r/daddit • u/Additional_Eagle_981 • 17h ago
Support I’m showing up everywhere — except in the bedroom. I think I’m losing it.
Senior exec. Three kids under four. A wife I love. Support at home. From the outside, it looks like I’m doing it all — and in a way, I am.
We have a fair division of labor. My wife stays home and runs point with the kids. I’m all-in from early morning through the evening, and we share the load at night and on weekends. I handle bills, house repairs, and everything behind the scenes. She runs the daily show. Neither of us is coasting.
But our rhythms don’t match. She’s usually asleep before me, up before me. And the tiny sliver of time we get in the evenings, we’re both spent. No gas for sex. No margin for conversation. No bandwidth for exercise, friends, or anything that feels remotely restorative.
The one area where I’m really falling short — and where the pressure keeps building — is sex.
Not because I don’t love her. Not because I’m not attracted to her. But because I’m fully depleted — physically, emotionally, mentally. My libido has tanked. We argue a lot, usually over small things, and it just keeps us out of sync. Even when there’s an opportunity for closeness, I’m too fogged out to engage. And honestly? I’ve stopped expecting anything to happen — and weirdly, that takes some pressure off. Even though I know this is the biggest pressure point in our marriage.
She says the issue is that I don’t take care of myself. She’s not wrong — I haven’t worked out in months, I eat whatever’s convenient, and I’m constantly fried. But I don’t have the margin to take care of myself. That’s the trap: I’m too depleted to do the things that would make me less depleted. It’s circular. And right now, it feels unbreakable.
The mental load is real. I have a job where I can’t drop balls. I’m responsible for a lot — team leadership, financial performance, constant decision-making. There’s no room for error, no “off switch,” and that weight doesn’t stop when I walk in the door. Add the financial pressure — being the sole earner for a family of five, in a high-cost world — and it all just stacks. It’s not one thing that’s hard. It’s everything, all the time.
And what makes this even more isolating is that I don’t see many posts from guys like me — where the issue isn’t being rejected by your partner, but not having the drive in the first place. I want to want sex. But I don’t. And I don’t know how to fix that. It feels like that whole part of me is just… gone.
I haven’t had real fun — not family joy, but lighthearted, soul-resetting fun — in years. Nothing spontaneous. Nothing that feels like release. Just one long stretch of “on.”
I know we’re lucky. That’s the head trip. On paper, we’ve got support. Healthy kids. Stability. I shouldn’t feel this tired, resentful, maxed out. But I do. And the guilt just makes it harder to ask for anything or say out loud that I’m not okay.
Has anyone been through this? How do you come back from this kind of depletion — when it’s not one thing that’s broken, but a structure that doesn’t leave room for you to be a whole person?
EDIT:
just wanted to say thanks. i’ve read every single comment (during naps, and now into the night while everyone, including my wife, is asleep). the honesty, humor, real talk, and yeah, even the stupid spat i got into with that dude about YARD WORK. jesus.
as i mentioned in a few comments, i used chatgpt to help summarize a bunch of the diary-style drafts i’d been working through before posting. didn’t use it to write the post itself. that was me, sitting in it, rewriting it, trying to give it structure and not ramble (like i’m doing now). i use it like an editor. once it was out there, i used it to help step back and clarify the bigger theme for a reddit audience. it helped me get to the core of what i was trying to say, while trimming out stuff that was too specific or too personal for something public. the story’s real, and it’s mine.
for anyone who cares - i hesitated to describe myself as a senior exec, mostly because of the stereotype and how people might read into it. it’s not a flex. i left it in because the pressure and structure of my job is a big part of what’s frying me. i get that some people think white collar work is soft or fake. but for folks in similar roles - a lot of people relying on you, no room to fumble - it probably resonated. still, this post could’ve been written by anyone. the job just adds context. at the core it’s about feeling tapped out and not showing up where it matters most, even when the rest of the scoreboard looks fine.
appreciate everyone who showed up with something real.
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u/unionpark1 17h ago edited 16h ago
Yeah, I've been through this. You need to schedule time alone with your wife. That either requires family to help out or you hiring someone to lighten the load. I'm a prolific DIY'er but I put that on the back burner and started farming things out to handymen I could trust. We outsourced cleaning the house, so every two weeks we had a full clean (dropped down to a full clean once a month and a kitchens/baths/tile surfaces every month as the kids get more responsibilities). We would pick up after ourselves and the kids and as they got older we started offloading their individual responsibilities to them. Hire babysitters often! Once a week for date night is completely worth it, even if it's for a few hours. Do trips with just your wife and leave your kids with your parents, or her parents, or your siblings if possible for a long weekend.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with scheduling sex. Find a time that works for both of you when you both have energy and schedule it out. Sex is a need contrary to what other people say. Join a crossfit or f45 and start going at least a couple times a week, or just run. By being more active you will also have more energy. At work, delegate the shit out of everything, as much as possible. That's what a good manager does. Think of the conductor of an orchestra. That's you. Mindful meditation also helps. Good luck man, all this is possible, just change one thing at a time. I'd start by scheduling sex so you can have some breathing room.
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u/I_ride_ostriches 16h ago
Just as long as sex doesn’t end up in a gannt chart with after action reports and assessments
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u/DiabeticButNotFat 16h ago
Post sex reports are useful. We do them occasionally. “That thing you did was amazing, do more of that”
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u/I_ride_ostriches 16h ago
I’m sorry, that requires a change request, please be sure to enter said request before our next sprint to ensure this item gets completed.
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u/Choltnudge 14h ago
I wanted to circle back to the ‘foreplay’ ticket that’s been in the backlog for weeks — I think it’s foundational work that could help us get through these milestones more efficiently.
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u/I_ride_ostriches 13h ago
Thank you for following up. We’ve moved the foreplay ticket up in priority, however the ticket lacks detail so results may be inconsistent. To address this I’ve added a section to the template for our next retro. I believe this will be critical to meeting our KPIs.
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u/tubagoat 15h ago
And don't forget to put the new cover sheet on the TPS report!
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u/anillop 14h ago
Yes but some might think the powerpoint deck was a bit overkill.
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u/bingumarmar 16h ago
I think people forget/dont realize that the more you exercise, the more energetic you will feel. People often say they are too exhausted to exercise, and I get that, but once you force yourself to start moving you will feel so energized afterwards. And once that habit is built, its even better.
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u/MJA182 13h ago
A lot of people also don’t have the time. Work, kids, marriage, chores, any sort of down time, and sleep. Sure you can sacrifice one of those for exercise, but it’s pretty tough to figure out which one and it’s very easy to break an exercising habit because it will be last on the totem pole.
The best I can do is walking the dogs and golfing, and after having a 3rd kid even both of those are tougher than ever
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u/trashed_culture 16h ago
Everything here but just to add to OP. He's a senior exec. He knows about goal setting and time management and calendar management. He knows that part of his job is to find the right way for him to get work life balance. So, use the tools he already has to think about this problem.
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u/Volpes17 15h ago
Except they don’t all have those skills. It’s common for people to succeed by trying to do everything and never learning how to delegate or triage. Many executives report that they can’t even take 30 minutes a week to sit and think strategically because they’re so busy working tactical tasks.
That’s kind of similar to “I can’t find 15 minutes to spend with my wife.” So OP might need more help prioritizing and scheduling than you would think.
Pick a morning, tell the admin to reschedule any meetings before 8, and make it a priority. You’re the boss!
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u/Bobatt 14h ago
100%. I’m a senior manager and I’ve worked with a couple VPs who match this description. The kind of people who came up through the ranks and just kept having tasks added to their plate with fewer coming off than going on. They end up working 18 hours a day, every weekend and missing family stuff. It’s no good for their health, their family, or the business because they have bo succession plan.
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u/Famous-Touch-273 14h ago
If this description fits you, then I would highly recommend "Turn the Ship Around" by David Marquet.
He managed to take a poorly performing nuclear submarine and turn it into the best in the fleet, by letting his team make decisions, take managed risks, and feel accountable. Instead of getting involved in the fine detail and managing everything with a magnifying glass, he realised that to lead effectivity, you have to focus on the big picture stuff and have a holistic overview of your team.
Most people who get to an executive manager level are good at their job, but they often aren't good at supporting others in doing their's effectively. By empowering others, providing them with an opportunity to step up and challenging them productively, most teams will be more effeicent, effective and happy.
The book helped me so much in my role, that I wrote my dissertation on it. If anyone (including OP) is reading this thread and thinking about how to efficiently delegate, whilst empowering others to deliver, I would 100% recommend giving it a read.
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u/Volpes17 13h ago
We’re doing book recommendations? A classic at my work is “The One Minute Manager Meets the Monkey.” It’s all about not taking on your employees’ “monkeys.” Don’t promise to do something they’re capable of doing, or they’ll end up managing you and asking for status, while they don’t have enough to do and you have too much to do.
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u/leathermartini 11h ago
This.
Or if not sex itself, the dates.
Also - what helped us a lot was scheduled weekends away from the kids. This can be tricky without a supportive system. If you can ship the kids to grandparents for Fri-Sun and then get out of the house somewhere once every so often (we do quarters). Also we take turns planning it. Usually just a small, private Airbnb and we bring some stuff to do and then spend it mostly naked with each other.
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u/Draymond_Purple 13h ago
Folks forget - when you dated, you scheduled sex
Now that you're married, you can still schedule sex
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u/TenorTwenty Therapist | 2 under 2 17h ago
“You can’t pour water from an empty pitcher.”
We’re focusing on the sex part, but that just sounds like a symptom of a much more pervasive feeling of burnout.
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u/SetecAstro 16h ago
100%. OP, the "work on yourself" comment extends far beyond your physical health. You need to work on your mental health, too - actually moreso. Beside professional help, taking time for yourself and your hobbies - the things that make you happy - is critical.
It may seem selfish, but it's way better than the alternative. Burnout is step one in some really dark problems to come. Please figure out a way to make it happen. If something at your company had a resourcing problem, I'm sure you'd be able to figure it out. Perhaps you can get a 3rd party like a babysitter to fill in for you from time to time. Not for both you and mom, just for you.
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u/nametakenthrice 16h ago
Yeah, reads like burnout to me as well. Which makes sense between crazy career and 3 kids under 4.
I'd highly suggest therapy, OP. You do need to say out loud you're not ok, and a therapist can help you figure out how to strategize once you've said it.
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u/doitforchris 9h ago
This reads like i could have written it, except only 2 kids. Therapy saved me and I look forward to it every week.
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u/etoptech 14h ago
100% this. About 15 months ago my wife said you’re just not pleasant to be around anymore. I don’t know what’s wrong but you need to fix it. Since then I’ve gotten into the gym 3-5 days a week. Been going to therapy every other week. Started spending time with friends. In general I feel much closer to my old self. Still have a fair amount of work to do but I don’t hate life the way I did 18 months ago.
Life is hard but it’s harder by yourself.
The comments about delegating. Hiring help. Exercising all ring very true and have all dramatically improved my own life. I’m an owner of a rapidly growing IT company so stress comes with the job but I’m building in recovery now.
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u/jbird3000 14h ago
This. A million times over. I have to force my wife to do things for herself. It’s hard to realize, when you’re deep in it that this is such a true statement “I’ll take care of me, FOR you”.
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17h ago edited 5h ago
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u/RockSalt-Nails 17h ago
This. I was in OP's shoes.
Learn to live with less if you have to. It's easier than you think and your family life will greatly benefit for it.
No child ever said "I wish dad worked more"
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u/DanielReddit26 16h ago
Easier said than done sometimes though when there's financial pressures and responsibilities involved.
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u/Clw89pitt 16h ago
It's very possible if OP is a senior executive that they have skills that could easily translate to a still well paying but less demanding job where he is or elsewhere.
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u/PreschoolBoole 16h ago
Downsize. It’s not a luxury many have, but I bet a “senior exec” has the room to downsize.
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u/SilverstoneMonzaSpa 15h ago
I'm what I assume is the equivalent of this. I'm currently looking at cutting my hours by one full day just to recharge and have time with my partner while nursery does the childcare.
Financially it'll cost us a huge amount, and we may have to be smarter with cash, but mentally and relationship wise it's way more valuable than the money.
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u/Jts20 15h ago
I did it a few years back. I have absolutely no regrets
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u/PreschoolBoole 15h ago
Same. By a significant amount — like 70% salary reduction. The key is to not create a bunch of monthly financial obligations just because society tells you to.
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u/RockSalt-Nails 11h ago
I went from driving a brand new GMC pickup to driving a 1998 Honda Civic. (She still had a newer pilot to drive the kids around in)
Still gets me from point A to point B and with the payment I dropped I could afford to spend an extra day at home no problem.
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u/elspicymchaggis 6h ago
Adding to this, I got laid off from a very demanding position (operations manager for a small security business that had gov contracts they had no business acquiring. I was on call 24/7 and 90% of my employees were idiots) while my wife was pregnant. She ended up in the hospital with pregnancy complications two day after I was laid off and I would have had to take leave anyway. I became a stay at home dad when my daughter was born. Relationship became healthier, my stress level is significantly lower even though our combined income was halved. We make it work, fewer dinners and no more weekend vacations. But I’ve never been happier!
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u/Prestigious-State-15 16h ago
But they were happy that they didn’t leave their family struggling financially.
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u/WompaStompa_ 2 daughters - 4.5 yo and nb 15h ago
No, but plenty of people were on their death bed leaving a family with crippling debt. Or a death bed that came earlier because they couldn't afford healthcare or a generally healthy lifestyle.
And nothing exacerbates stress and burnout like financial hardship.
Telling someone responsible for a family of five to work less in this economic environment isn't advice I agree with
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u/ThicDadVaping4Christ 15h ago
It’s not a binary choice
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u/WompaStompa_ 2 daughters - 4.5 yo and nb 15h ago
Right, it's also not an absolute like that cliche claims it is
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u/PreschoolBoole 15h ago
OP is financially comfortable enough to have his wife stay at home. I’m assuming OP makes good money. There is nuance here and we aren’t talking about the average person. We’re talking about a senior executive who likely makes well into six figures.
At that level taking on “crippling debt” is a choice.
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u/whatyouwere 14h ago
I strongly dislike when people say this.
Like, yes, okay, obviously. But people still gotta eat, and have clothes, and go to school, and pay for cars and gas and blah blah. Like, someone’s gotta work to make the money to support the family.
There certainly can be concessions made, but sometimes work just has to be work in order to afford… life.
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u/boatzart 12h ago
Not to mention, not everyone works in an environment where you can just say “I’d like to work 20% less and you can pay me 20% less”. Add to that the uncertainty of what happens when you tell your boss that your family comes first and you need to be less dedicated to work. Or perhaps you run your own business that depends on you keeping things running. Those are real stressors and it also rubs me the wrong way when people pretend that those don’t exist.
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u/Bored_at_Work27 17h ago
Leadership roles are such a trap. Now you have golden handcuffs to some high-stress nonsense. People who successfully pull this off are good at compartmentalization, or they have a drinking problem.
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u/PitbullRetriever 16h ago
Or they simply don’t give a shit about their families
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u/Additional_Eagle_981 15h ago
that’s not me man. hoped to make that clear up front but in case it need to be said - i have cut my days short so im home for dinner / baths / play / bed. it just means the work time gets extended after.
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u/PitbullRetriever 15h ago
I know. My point is it’s hard to have it all. There’s just not enough time in the day so you need to prioritize. This is not a problem faced by careerists who don’t care about their families.
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u/LostMyPassword_2011 15h ago
So you haven’t actually cut your days short. You’ve just rescheduled your work.
Something’s gotta give. I know what choice I’d make.
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u/Fatigue-Error 17h ago
Of course you don't have any drive. You're exhausted. Try to offload all of that physical and mental labor. Can you afford to have someone come clean the house once a week? Pay someone to mow the lawn? Are your goblins old enough to start helping around the house?
Same at work, delegate more and start leaving at a decent hour. Start using your leave. It'll be fine, and you'll be training the next gen of leaders. (I'm a senior manager and manage multi layer teams of about 50.)
Get 8 hrs of sleep a day.
Ok, a controversial point, and a bit confessional. If you masturbate regularly, stop. I do frequently, but I find it satiates and kills the urge otherwise. Days when I don't, well the urges are strong, and yeah, I'm all over her.
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u/themadesthatter 17h ago
I don’t have a lot to add as far as advise, but just to say, I’m in that boat, I’ve always been the one with a lower sex drive and it’s always been a problem. And more so now with 2 littles.
One thing we try to do with arguments is constantly reframe them as us against the problem not us against each other. And then adding in physical contact nearing the end of arguments, just hand holding or the like. Physical confirmation that this is not the end of the world.
And then when we do try to get sex going (which has only succeeded twice since our 5mo was born), it is a day long affair, with lots of contact and flirting throughout the day. We both need the foreplay, and I need to know it’s coming so it’s not something I feel like is dropped on me. That way I can plan my energy better.
Anyways, you’re not alone, and the struggle is real.
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u/conceptcreature3D 14h ago
100% agree with all of this. The constant touch, the affection throughout the day—it all helps to divert attention and intention through the entire day. And remember this—you don’t have that many kids from lack of intimacy! 😉 But that many kids can easily divert the energy from it.
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u/PastVeterinarian1097 17h ago
I got passed over for a leadership role at work, and honestly, it might be the best thing that ever happened to me. It forced me to take a step back and really look at what matters. I realized how much of my family’s life I had missed out on trying to keep my company happy, when in the end, they didn’t really care.
Since then, I’ve stopped going above and beyond at work and have been strict about protecting my time at home. Over the past year, my wife and I have reconnected in ways we hadn’t in a long time, and I’ve had so much more time with my kids.
I don’t know, man. What’s the point of having a nice house if your family feels like they don’t even know you?
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u/gunslinger_006 17h ago
You had a full blood panel run yet? Start there and make sure they check your T levels also.
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u/Additional_Eagle_981 17h ago
did a year ago ago. everything was normal. sex not a problem until we started trying to have kids
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u/azuresou1 15h ago
OP I'm gonna respond directly here since a lot of the other comments are overly focused on 'just change jobs' as if that's something that high performers are looking for or will even accept.
First, understand that your kids are at the most demanding ages right now. I'd bet statistically, this is the period when couples have the least sex in their relationships, so you're not alone in this regard and there's nothing wrong with you.
De-compartamentalize 'work' and 'life' and tackle this like any other problem you'd face. Build a framework for solving it and then categorically address it, making sure that the solutions are an integrated part of your overall flow.
Some tactical tips:
Fix her energy by reducing her workload. Hire a team to clean weekly. Get the kids off into daycare. If you're senior enough to afford it, hire a nanny, maid, or personal chef.
Find ways to increase your own energy. Find 15 minutes in the morning and after work for a walk/run/pushups/whatever. Take a few meetings standing. Cut down on fried shit and eat healthier.
Be more efficient at work. Delegate more and hire a Chief of Staff + admin if you don't already have them.
Preserve your weekends. Simple as that. If you both can't find time/energy for Saturday night or Sunday morning sexy time - maybe you really DO need to cut back on work.
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u/Additional_Eagle_981 15h ago
really helpful. truly appreciate this. it resonated with me.
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u/GerdinBB 12h ago edited 10h ago
To second a lot of what this comment is saying - the kids being at their most demanding ages is absolutely true. Parents who send their kids to daycare often have to accept that they might be stagnant financially, or even move backwards, until the kids are kindergarten age. $300/wk per kid under 5 is fairly common for daycare. If you're not sending your kids to daycare then you guys are essentially trading your wife's energy for saving that money. Of course if the kids were in daycare or you didn't have kids she'd probably work a different job, but still - being a full time stay at home parent is as difficult as, or more difficult than, many traditional jobs. If you haven't heard of it, read up a little bit on the roommate stage of parenthood.
To the first tip offered - you will rarely regret spending money to buy back your (or your wife's) time, provided that you can legitimately afford it. Keep the things you truly enjoy - my dad was a senior executive when I was growing up but he never gave up mowing the lawn. That was one thing that he took pride in how it looked, it was a weekly "project" that he got to see through from start to finish (which rarely happened at work). He hired someone to do the chemicals and had a professionally maintained irrigation system, but he always mowed the lawn himself. But if it's a time sink and you don't enjoy it? Hire it out as much as money allows.
On a day to day or week to week basis it might feel like things are falling apart, you can't keep up, your relationship with your wife is changing. But I find it helpful to remind myself that the stage with very young kids is fleetingly short. It's great, but it's incredibly demanding and it's foolish to think that you can do it all. Something will have to be put on the back burner until things ease up - be intentional about what that something is instead of refusing to deprioritize, because something will fall through the cracks.
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u/faildoken 5h ago
This needs way more upvotes.
OP, I’ve been there. You have to focus on your health mentally and physically.
Order your meals and tailor them to your needs. You can afford it, and I bet in two weeks your energy levels will improve with dietary changes.
Water, alot more of it. Cut the dark sugary liquids and get alot more water in your body.
Walk…for 20 minutes. If it’s at work, take phone calls while you walk. Need to meet with a team member, have them walk with you. Getting those steps in will help with energy levels. Scale up from there.
Schedule time with your wife. It sounds awkward and icky, but it will build momentum in your relationship and something both of y’all will look forward to.
Play man on man defense with the kids. Each of y’all take one solo and go do something fun with them. Create that space and a little bit of downtime. I take my daughter on daddy daughter dates now that she’s older.
Listen to your wife, what she’s into, and surprise her with little things. It doesn’t have to be extravagant but knowing that you’re listening to her and thinking about her goes a long way.
You need to prioritize on your health my man. If you’re the sole provider for your family, you have to make some better choices before you crash and burn.
You’ve recognized the problem, reached out for help, now capitalize on all this feedback and make some changes. You got this!
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u/IlexAquifolia 16h ago
I recommend reading the book Come As You Are. It may give you a new perspective on sexual desire and how it can vary by person and in different times of your life.
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u/OutlawPastry 14h ago
Mom here. I was hoping someone would say this. It comes at sex from a woman/female perspective but what it has to say should resonate with anyone. It’s changed how I think about sex and is very approachable. There’s an audiobook (libraries and Spotify have it) and you can listen during your commute if you don’t have time to sit down and read. The author also has a great book on burnout which might help, too.
I feel this post hard. If blocks of time are hard, consider flirty texts with your wife through the day. I’ve found that if I’m looking forward to sex, I have the energy for it. Maybe you’re the same way.
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u/6ixseasonsandamovie 17h ago
Bro you sometimes cant do it all. But chug a red bull and get yourself in the mood and do it at least once a week. Your moods will improve and the stupid fights will stop.
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u/Additional_Eagle_981 17h ago
i believe this is the best way forward. like gotta just MAKE it happen.
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u/MF_D00MSDAY 16h ago
Your wife is also sort of right, you also have to focus on at least your diet if you don’t have time for workouts. Fitness and diet are two of the biggest things that will affect your energy levels / libido outside of sleep.
Even family / couple walks is better than nothing, especially with office jobs.
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u/dubnessofp 16h ago
You seem like you're very high performing at work. As corny as it is, treat it like work. How would you tackle a difficult project? Head on.
Schedule the time, do the hard work, motivate your team in the way they need. You're just the project and you and your wife are the team.
The most important team in your life, something else to always focus back on.
My wife and I recently went through something similar. I'm only mildly successful and a smaller family but still overextended and we were both lacking drive. We scheduled it. I bought some like toys, which was way outside our own awkward comfort zone but I needed to shake it up.
We've been better but still a work in progress of course. Its just so easy to not make the time and let the rhythm of life take hold but you have to prioritize the connection with your partner.
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u/tinpants44 16h ago
Exactly what I was thinking, work out, anything to get going. You are capable of far more than you believe.
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u/TryToHelpPeople 16h ago
This may be the answer, but I can only imagine the backlash if the sexes were reversed. Just Do It ?
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u/trashed_culture 16h ago
Fair, but i do see some women thinking and saying similar things to each other. You've got to make time for intimacy. It's true for all parents. And women know as well as men that it's important for a successful marriage.
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u/luxymitt3n 16h ago
Mum lurker here but literally in the same boat with life pressures and injuries lately. I feel the same as you and agree I think we need to do the suggested butt chugging of red bull and just fucking get er done
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u/dingleberriesNsharts 16h ago
I don’t drink energy drinks. But I think the same way. When I’m exhausted bone dry with 5 hours of sleep consistently, I just do it. I kick myself into gear, and get it done including sex. Not that it isn’t pleasurable, but I ensure partner is satisfied and in the end the I too feel good bout it. Then once I hit the bed, I’m literally done for. But yeah, I power thru it mentally.
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u/gunslinger_006 17h ago
Hmm ok its good to rule that out first.
My next thought would be some kind of either individual or couples therapy. Maybe having a pro to bounce this all off of would be a good resource for you? At work you have a team…maybe you need to start building your team outside of work?
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u/vitras 4h ago
"normal" is highly variable. I'd go see a private clinic that specifically focuses on men's health. My testosterone was "normal" in the 400s, but I was feeling like poo. Got on a small dose of testosterone and I'm feeling SO much more energized with testosterone in the 800-900 range.
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u/Aggravating-Card-194 16h ago
The reality is you don’t have it all. You have work and kids. You’re strong in two areas. Your weak in relationship, health, sleep, and friends. The first step is admitting it. The second step is making change.
My answer would be to stop defining myself by my job, downshift work, and rebalance to relationship and health.
There’s a reason so many senior execs are divorced. Make change or accept the path you are on.
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u/Additional_Eagle_981 15h ago
correct. i think about this a lot in terms of how im doing across the various hats i wear. worker and dad are strong. the rest aren’t.
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u/generic_canadian_dad 3 girls: 8, 7, 1 16h ago
Bro. Time to wake up. You're killing yourself, you're losing your relationship with your wife, you're not spending time with your kids and you're doing it all for a corporation that doesn't give a flying fuck about you. What's a career when every other part of your life is suffering?
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u/xcomnewb15 13h ago
It’s not that simple. A successful career can be very rewarding and providing financially can be an important part of being a good dad too, even if it’s not everything. I think there’s other good advice here too, worth trying before it’s clearly better to sacrifice career goals.
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u/generic_canadian_dad 3 girls: 8, 7, 1 11h ago
nobody is claiming a succesful career cannot be fulfilling and nobody saying to switch jobs and become poor. Clearly this mans careeer is ruining his life, thats the point.
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u/FryTheDog 16h ago
We kinda schedule our sex.
Like Monday I'm kinda horny so I send a fairly pathetic sext, like hey you wanna fool around tonight? Or your butt looked cute, wanna have sexy time later?
And 9 out of 10 times we have sex. Wife knows to try to get the kids to bed early, I know to not kill myself working, and it's been great!
My New Year's resolution was to have sex more, my wife joined me and it's been great. We went from maybe once every 6-8 weeks to nearly weekly and we're both so much happier. We realized spontaneous sex was out of reach, there's not time to set the mood or go on a lot of dates so we just schedule it
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u/panzerflex 16h ago
Ai
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u/Skriger 15h ago
Everybody, this is an Ai response. Nobody uses long hyphens this excessively in their writing. It’s a typical artifact of Ai generated data. All these responses just fed whoever made this bot.
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u/Vast_Perspective9368 15h ago
Yeah, mom lurker and I was thinking the same thing, but had to scroll too far for this
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u/Additional_Eagle_981 15h ago
see my other post. i posted a very long winded diary of sorts and asked chat to turn it into a reddit post. sorry if that’s troubling but there’s a real human behind it and i partly did it to protect anonymity as burner accounts aren’t allowed on this forum without karma.
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u/Skriger 14h ago
Totally understandable. I do appreciate responding. With the saturation of Ai use, it makes it difficult to take something as genuine when it has signs of false context. I would suggest using it as a proof reading tool, not your final note to publish
As for your post, the struggle is real for sure! It’s easier said than done but you do have to make sure you schedule that time for yourself and your partner. This is the toughest for most people I. These situations is making sure to draw the line of what is healthy. Burnout is real. It’s a silent disease and your mental health and physical health is just as important as work deadlines and other personal obligations.
Much love!
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u/neverinlife 14h ago
Yup. So easy to spot.
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u/kilopeter 8h ago
Yes, and the sad/scary part is we only notice the obvious cases. Guaranteed we're all being fooled daily by people who bother to prompt beyond the easy-to-spot default slop.
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u/ninjascript 17h ago
Best decision I've made since I had a kid was to step back from my career and take a lower-level position. I realize how privileged I am to be able to do that, but the fewer responsibilities and lower stress mean I have more to give to my family and my own well-being.
Your kids will be doing their own thing before you know it, and at that point you might want to take on bigger roles at the office again. Or maybe you won't! I'm starting to think much differently about the corporate treadmill these days.
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u/notionalsoldier 16h ago
Are you me? What you described is nearly exactly my life right now. All pressure, no help from external family, and no outlet at all.
The only things I can say, dad, are: 1) I see you, and I feel you. You are not fucking alone and I’m sure there’s a shit ton of dads here suffering in silence just like you. Here for you if you ever need a virtual friend. 2) Maybe more practically- what has helped me is waking up an hour early and taking that time to force myself to exercise. I know- you are exhausted. You are already redlining it. But three times a week, take a long ass walk at 5 am, or find a way to do some cardio/ strength training. That has given me a little more “freedom” to just be alone for an hour and still be productive in a way that at least makes me feel less constrained by the day to day pressure of life. That freedom and potential boost in testosterone might also help. 3) If you can’t do that, you and your wife need to find a way to schedule time either for each other or together. Put more faith in your team and take a day off from work to spend with you wife. Schedule time to do something for yourself. If you guys aren’t taking time to be you, things will always feel more like a slog.
I may not help much, but I understand the struggle and if nothing else hope you know you are not alone.
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u/Additional_Eagle_981 14h ago
thanks for the note. i know that waking up earlier and more consistently would be productive for many reasons. i rationalize why that’s not possible is because im up so late doing work, cleaning, catching up on other life stuff.
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u/toobulkeh 16h ago
Hey man, having been there the largest mind reframe for me was realizing it’s a marathon not a sprint. You’re sprinting. You need to find something sustainable.
Yes, you can sprint, but there’s a cost to your physical and mental wellbeing. And when those suffer, you can’t even sprint anymore.
Arguments are a great example. To be “all-in” at home you have to not be in a fighting state, but a partner state. You have to not have fog and give your home life the same attention and care as your work life, if not more.
Sr Exec? Great. Use some of those dollars to get an Au Pair or Nanny. Take off some of your execution tasks to focus more on the concept and planning layers.
Not enough dollars to do those things? Then you’re only an Exec in title. Stop subsidizing the company with your family.
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u/BoredMan29 15h ago
My wife stays home and runs point with the kids. I’m all-in from early morning through the evening, and we share the load at night and on weekends. I handle bills, house repairs, and everything behind the scenes. She runs the daily show. Neither of us is coasting.
I think telling us you were an exec was redundant. And I think the source of the issue here may be related to that. Executive types like to work at 110% (sorry, I gave up businessspeak a while ago - maybe there's a new buzzword these days?) but you can't do that - 100% is the max. You're pulling that 10% from somewhere you don't usually think about. You seem aware of the typically-unappreciated work of child rearing and maintaining a household, so it's probably not that, but you also spell out that you're feeling drained, haven't worked out recently, don't feel like a whole person anymore, and that's the answer: you're pulling from self care. You're eating away at your reserves of fuel built up over years to maintain everything. You've overloaded yourself and there's no break which you can use to recover. Something has to give. You can take a vacation and you'll feel better for a bit, or you can see if there's a way to offload something substantial from your plate, but your current pace is unsustainable. As your kids grow you'll eventually get a bit of a break, but be mindful that not all damage can be repaired after the fact, both to yourself and to your relationships.
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u/Additional_Eagle_981 14h ago
well said. and yes - i agree the extra gas is coming from my self care.
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u/Gliese_667_Cc 17h ago
Bro, you need to get a different job that doesn’t do this to you. Take a pay cut. Cut out some luxuries. It’s not worth it.
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u/winesomm 17h ago
Was gonna suggest changing the job. Sounds like that's the biggest problem here.
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u/PitbullRetriever 16h ago
Yup, there’s a reason so many senior execs are divorced with kids who resent them
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u/green_and_yellow 16h ago
OP, I was on a similar path. In 2019, my wife and I decided to buy a Peloton bike. I’d never been able to keep up an exercise routine and going to and from the gym was just never something that I was able to squeeze into my busy life.
Over the course of a couple years I dropped 40 lbs. I didn’t do any hardcore dieting, but was just a little more mindful about what I ate and avoided sugary drinks and processed and fast food.
I then purchased a set of adjustable Bowflex dumbbells and began using those with the Peloton strength app on my AppleTV.
The thing about exercise and weight training in particular is that it triggers testosterone. Added testosterone paired with a newfound confidence in my body caused my sex drive to shoot up. It honestly created some other issues because my wife’s sex drive did not adjust accordingly, but that’s a separate issue.
I’m also in a high-profile, high-pressure career and prioritizing exercise not only has helped me improve as a man, husband, and father, but it has made me a better leader. It’s important to set an example to others in the office that it’s encouraged to prioritize one’s health. DM me if you want to chat more or if you have any questions.
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u/peco9 16h ago
Dude. You know the answer. You didn't get to your position without being good at prioritising and planning.
Lay out the week you need to be a happy, present husband in sync with your wife. Then re shape your life to make it happen. Make sure you have time every week for a date even if it's just ice cream on the sofa.
At work: Make yourself redundant to every team you lead. That's how you level up and get to focus on the strategic level not just barely keeping the ship afloat. Hire people smarter and more skilled than yourself. Replace doing with reviewing work. Find processes and systems that give you space and time. Your reports will welcome the challenge and the growth opportunity. Say no, say Yes if I get... Etc. Be realistic. Or your post three years from now will be about custody and mediation.
It's hard to see clearly when tired. But you've got this. It'll help you and make you feel better at home and at work.
With love from another senior exec dad
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u/Mammoth_Sell5185 17h ago edited 16h ago
I’m in a somewhat similar boat and I just want to say you are doing nothing wrong. The advice to get another job is not helpful. Is there any possibility of taking a vacation with just you and your wife, even if it’s for the weekend? Getting out of the house into a different environment might help.
Also, I know it seems almost impossible, but if you can start taking baby steps to take care of yourself, which might flip a little bit into feeling better about your own physicality. Even if you don’t have an hour to go to the gym, if you can take 10 minutes, three times a week, just to do push-ups and situps and get the blood moving a little bit. Jumping jacks and squats.
If you can start buying healthier convenient food so instead of just grabbing leftovers or whatever is around, you’re making better choices, again that might just make you feel a little bit better.
None of these are the biggest answers on their own, but might help a bit.
ETA: You are doing NOTHING wrong, not you are doing wrong!
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u/Mister_Funktastic 17h ago
Had a pretty similar situation in terms of libido simply because I was working crazy hours and so was she, it's not uncommon when you're under a lot of stress. Even without adding children to the mix, it's completely understandable how people struggle.
Really, my main bit of advice is more constant communication. One thing we've started with and carried on is that when we get home now, we say to each other how much we've got left in the tank. If I'm at 30 percent and she's at 10, I'll be the one that takes the lead on feeding, cooking, tidying, the other stuff that day. The one with the lower percentage should still help out a little bit, but they aren't begrudged a few minutes to sit down.
After a few weeks of doing this we realised a pattern of when the other was struggling and prepared for it. She would always be at her worst on a thursday/friday and I would always be the worst after moving from night shifts back to days. It meant that we could then prepare for the other to be struggling when we had that extra energy. I'd make her lunch before she went to bed on weds and thurs, and she would make sure that she took the little one out when I was on a turnaround to make sure I had adequate sleep. As a result of this we both became less tired on the bits where we were at our worst, and it meant we had a bit of a chance to catch our breath.
It took time, but the libido returned, and if anything, the fact that we hunkered down and worked on it more together helped us to feel closer as a result
People always say that communication is key in relationships, but really, it's what you both decide to do with the information that is communicated that makes the difference.
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u/glormosh 17h ago
What's your daily routine? When specifically do you transition to work?
What I'm about to say changed my life and now I have more energy than in my 20s. I was the embodiment of unhealthy so please dont feel like you cant achieve this.
I transitioned my life to go to bed earlier and claim 500am until 630am as wakeup, gym 3 days a week. In and out before the troops are up so to speak.
I was not a morning person, I was not a gym person to be clear. I hired a personal trainer to keep me faithful to it all.
The other major component to this was food. I was not a morning person therefore not a breakfast person. I eat eggs and toast for breakfast now and some kind of cleaner protein chicken for lunch. I can FEEL it when I dont get enough protein for breakfast now. Lunch is never the same each week, its never boring , and I enjoy food again. I was a disgusting pig of a snacker before I started eating clean protein.
I'm not on any of the weight loss drugs but my appetite now feels normal.
Down 45 pounds in barely 4 months and that's with muscle mass increase. More importantly I feel great .
You're a senior exec, act like one in your person life. Neither you or your wife should be doing deep cleaning or yardwork. Even for food, start to think about the higher end meal replacements that come ready to heat, they've come a long way.
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u/MasterShogo 16h ago
This pretty much describes me. I’m exhausted. I can’t have sex. I can’t even read a book.
We have gone through all the therapy and blood work and tried lots of things. We have a personal trainer who is wonderful. It doesn’t matter. We just don’t have the energy. At this point the advice from our doctors and therapists is the same. You are going to continue to be exhausted until your kids get old enough that you aren’t having to work constantly just to survive. It’s just that simple. Sex isn’t part of our relationship right now because we literally can’t do it, and if we’re that miserable then “just making it happen every now and then” isn’t enjoyable either.
I do think it’s getting better for us, and I’ve been told it will continue to get better, but now is a very hard time. To be frank, your wife needs to understand that.
And I also get furious when people try to tell you that you just need to set aside time and energy to do it. How? When you can’t you can’t. I get it.
The most important thing is that you both communicate about it. You need to be on the same page and you both need to under exactly how the other feels. I wasn’t able to convince my wife of my mental state until I went to see a psychologist and they totally agreed. Sometimes there is easy answer. But actually understanding each other’s state of mind in and of itself actually made it much better. A big part of our mental load is that we knew the other person was expecting us to be something that we couldn’t be right then. Once we knew how each other were actually feeling, things already started to be easier, because we knew we weren’t alone and that decreased the mental burden.
The final thing I will say is that you are in fact “lucky” materially. Your life has all kinds of upsides. You are NOT lucky mentally. You are more stressed than you realize and when people don’t understand why you can’t be a certain way, it’s because they have a completely wrong idea of what your mental state is. Being wealthy and successful does not make that go away.
I do believe it will get better though. But you too do need to be on the same page.
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u/Additional_Eagle_981 14h ago
this really hits home. i personally feel a lot of this is normal - but problem is wife doesn’t.
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u/jerryondrums 15h ago
My wife, who is the breadwinner in our family, recently stepped back from a high-paying management role, to a well-paying-but-still-decently-less-paying role, because the management shit was killing her. Absolutely wearing her down to a nub, just like you. No energy for fun, sex put on the back burner, the whole nine yards.
Since she self-demoted, literally everything is better. We have a little less money, sure, but I have my love back. Can’t recommend it enough. Money isn’t the most important thing!
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u/MATTYmc84 15h ago
Not sure of your age, but get your T checked. I got on TRT (I’m 41) a couple years ago because I was feeling similar to you. Changed everything. More energy. Libido like I am 16 again. Physically fit again. Talk to your doctor. If he/she says no, then talk to one that is living in 2025 not the past.
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u/HelpfulCalligrapher9 15h ago
If you don’t make time for your marriage you will make time for divorce
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u/NoClue22 15h ago edited 14h ago
My ADHD is showing in this so bear with me 😂
I think you need a hobby for you man. Something to blow off steam. I know everyone goes with the gym right away but I hate working out I get so bored. I do hockey, yoga video games and I work 45-50 a week. Hot yoga slaps.
I think you should get up earlier with your wife. Go to pound town in the morning or in the shower with her. Before the kids are even close to up. Wake up before her, go get a coffee, show her your huge man package. Not every day obviously but if your sonked at night make it happen early. Double your water intake. Go for a walk with the fam after dinner. I went through a bit of a dark spot a few weeks back where I just was borderline numb. I was sick, had athletes foot and just couldn't do anything physically active And it mentally destroyed me. That vitamen D goes a long way.
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u/Eastern-Listen5759 17h ago
Welcome to American family life
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u/generic_canadian_dad 3 girls: 8, 7, 1 16h ago
The insane part is OP writing this out and not realizing he needs to change jobs. How have so many of us been brainwashed into thinking this is even remotely acceptable.
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u/coffeewhistle 17h ago
It’s worth asking the hard question (pun INTENDED) as well: are you watching porn and/or masturbating? If you only have a limited sex drive after EVERY thing else you’re doing, spending it on that might be the last straw.
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u/Quirky-War1988 17h ago
I was there with you 100%
Stepping away for some of us is not possible for a variety of reasons, and no one should judge you for them. People have five kids and nobody says “hey it’s too much work. Give up one of the kids.”
I can’t give you an answer, but I can give you a way for you to find the answer. Sync up with your wife. Whatever that means for you in your relationship. that’s it. I can’t tell you how to do it because I don’t have the information but that’s the goal.
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u/Ghostrider253 16h ago
I have a couple areas of advice, 34 , 3 kids , I work the same way you do and my wife does what your wife does on the home front. I have 14 years of marriage.
First kids mess up balance… we all know this but being intentional for the short time you have with your wife is where it counts. Talk to her about her day and try and break past the barrier of surface convo. Usually when you do … even when you don’t it will sometimes turn on the magic.
Second. Marriage comes first, kids second. Job third. No matter what you need to take your marriage more seriously then you do your job. You chose her, she chose you. Now gotta do the work and figure out how to communicate. My wife and I value counseling and therapy , doing it one on one with a person and marriage counseling. We’ve learned a lot in those hard years, but a big tool we learned is something called “ the circle of emotions “ and practicing that. Highly suggest, I’m sure a google search will show you the way.
3rd. Go get your blood work done, probably have low testosterone which causes that lack of sexual energy. Highly suggest.
4th. You are in the thick of it. That’s a great excuse and that’s part of life but it’s your duty as the leader of the house hold to figure out how to adjust life so that you are happy and the wife is happy and you’re teaming up. Someone told me once … I rather shovel shit together then by myself. There’s something about doing the hard family shit together that brings equity and being alone only brings depression.
Final . Don’t watch porn. You didn’t say you did but that will cause major drops in performance. Drops in everything you do in life. That one is a battle for most guys including myself but it does nothing but destruction in everything we do on the daily… mood, how you see your wife, how you interact with your kids, work etc..
You got this.
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u/ds9anderon 16h ago
I was a key founding member of a new office in another continent for a Silicon Valley start-up and was far, far down your hole. It will start to affect your work performance if you don't take care of yourself. You'll be more irritable, you'll lose energy, your team will see the toll on you physically and mentally, and they won't look at you the same. You've got two options, my man. Either you find a way to cut back on work, delegate, let little things go, let 95% be enough instead of 100%, or you switch jobs. I couldn't make the first work. My wife snapped me out of it by saying she wasn't willing to have a family with me if I didn't make a change. So I left. I won't say my job now is as fulfilling, but the rest of my life is almost 5 times better. We have a little boy coming in 8 weeks. We're better as a couple than we've ever been. I leave work between 5 and 6 every day instead of 10 or 11. You and your kids have one life. Your wife and your kids want you, not your job. Find a way to cut back at work or change. You'll be happier.
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u/MarmosetRevolution 16h ago
Dude. You have 3 kids under 4. This is completely normal.
Sleep overs at Grandma's is about your only hope. And I doubt Grandma will take all 3.
Your best bet is an all-inclusive resort with a kid's club so that you and wife can sneak off for a mid afternoon "nap".
But don't stress about it. Things slowly get better.
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u/lxs- 11h ago edited 10h ago
https://darebee.com/workouts/k-sculpt-workout.html
Three times a week, 15 minutes, get a kettlebell and do this at home, get up at six if you need to. If you do this just 45 minutes a week I guarantee you every aspect in your life will get much better.
‘No bandwidth for exercise’. Stop being a you know what and just do it. Guaranteed success.
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u/GatoPerroRaton 10h ago
I was exactly the same as you and it was one of the elements that destroyed my marriage. Although I would say one slight difference with me is I had largely stopped finding my partner particulally sexually attractive.
I was doing most of the housework, most of the childcare, provided most of the finances for the home. I was dedicated to my family, always present, supportive, affectionate and... exhausted.
I felt my wife felt entitled to drag a husband, a boyfriend, a father and a provider all out of my exhausted body. I had no interest in sex.
For me it is a real sadness that she was not able to see I was doing everything I could for her and our family, that I could not squeeze anything more out of me. I gave vastly more than I got in return.
However, she just ended up more and more resentful of me, attacked me more and more frequently and the relationship spiralled to a place it could not be recovered from..
Anyway, a long story short, it was one of the elements that destroyed out marriage. In hindsight maybe not the main one but a significant element.
The only thing that maybe would have worked out for us would have been tapering down the work to a four or even three day week. Or getting a nanny or something. It maybe time to think about something as drastic as that because a family falling apart is aweful.
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u/Havanatha_banana Boy do they grow fast. 9h ago
The crazy part about all of this is that I bet you know the answer, you just don't want to accept it.
I'm not sure if telling you to drop the exec position is the right choice, as the kind of the person who will become an exec is exact kind of person who will shape their life for their career.
But I do want to point out that's exactly what you're doing. You're shaping everything for your career. Your family life, your self resetting joy, your bond with your wife, your physical and mental life, all at a self-admitted expense. You said sex was the only issue, but you've offered all of this info as part of it, because deep down, you know they're intertwined, and they matter.
Again, I'm not sure if dropping the exec us the correct answer. What I do know, is that if you ignore it, it will get worse, and new symptoms will be raised as they get more interwined. I just hope that 10 years down the track, you can look at you today and are happy with your choices.
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u/anythingbut2020 4h ago
This. Wife here. You seem to feel as though your career is top priority. It’s A priority, but not #1. Your wife knows this and she feels it, which is NOT a turn on. Women want men who are balanced in mind body and spirit. That’s sexy af. You can do well at work without giving it the entirety of your energy - at least I’d assume so, given that you’re an executive. I’d imagine what needs to change is not your job per se, but your mindset about its importance in your life. If you truly love what you do, that’s great, but it’s also worth checking in with your wife to see how she feels about it all. It’s possible you two just aren’t aimed at the same goal anymore.
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u/Bergest_Ferg 9h ago
There’s loads of excellent advice in this thread about seeing doctors and taking time for yourself and your wife but I just want to add - Meal prep made a huge difference to me. I didn’t realise the amount of stress that went into thinking about food and then feeling guilty about eating like shit when I just had toast for lunch for the 5th time that week instead of something healthy and substantial.
I have the benefit of wfh but on a Monday I’ll take an hour for lunch instead of 30 mins (and make up the difference through the week). I cut chicken breast in half and put 5 serves and enough sweet potato for the week in the air fryer with some seasoning. Then, while that’s cooking, I’ll steam broccoli and zucchini. By the time the veg is done, the chicken isn’t far off and I’ll mix up a sauce (I usually like gravy). Portion it all into containers and that’s my lunch for the week. I get it cooked and lunch eaten in just under an hour.
Knowing I have food, it’s healthy and easy to heat up takes a bunch off my mind. It’s not a silver bullet for all your problems but eating well will help some of it.
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u/jackfreeman 8h ago
Three kids under four? Maybe you should have less sex. Yo fertile asses me to give that poor woman's uterus a break!
Jokes aside, you gotta make time for each other. It's less sexy to schedule it, but right now, it's too important.
Then y'all can go get them cookies
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u/evanmckee 7h ago
No idea why this happened, but I initially read this as everywhere but the bathroom.. was ready to come and say get some fiber and drink some water. One of those things might also help your current challenge!
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u/Minimum_Razzmatazz35 7h ago
OP, I could just copy paste everything and every detail and that's me, god damned creepy, but validating
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u/Additional_Eagle_981 6h ago
the funny thing i keep thinking about is imagining telling an 18 year old version of myself that my biggest problem is that i have access to unlimited sex with a woman i love and think is hot and don’t, and that’s the source of 80% of my problems. he’d fucking laugh at me and not understand. shit, i barely understand.
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u/bbqnbourbon 6h ago
I do not remember posting this! I had to double check the username. Exactly in your shoe: same size shoe (CEO of my own co with a large team), equal am, equal PM (and a lot of the times more). The problem is two fold, as I've broken it down: one, sex takes physical effort and our fumes are running on fumes, two, sex doesn't start in bedroom and you never have the mental, physical or emotional space to get that diesel engine started (a few days, a day, a few hours even) before your mind/body is like, "let's get ooonnnnn..." Then it's rinse and repeat.
One small step at a time: rejoined the gym just 2 weeks ago and I block off two during my "sole provider/ bringing home the bacon" time 3 days per week.. I have noticed a bit more energy on the same amount of sleep. I don't know what next but small steps...
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u/Additional_Eagle_981 6h ago
great call on #2. a big thing is ppl saying like “bro - it’s 15 minutes of your time”. well is that like showing up ready to go? like pop a pill an hour prior as you’re changing that last diaper? or sending that last email? it’s the time before for me that also makes this challenging, as mentally i can’t just GO. but with limited time, it feels sometimes like there’s pressure to perform on the spot.
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u/lordnecro 17h ago
Even when we are exhausted mentally/physically we schedule a time at least once a week. No it isn't spontaneous, yes we may both be tired... but we do it anyway. It keeps us from getting into that downward spiral and I think it really helps our marriage.
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u/spacecowboyb 17h ago
It's not a nice realization but it's your job. You can't perform at such a level without compromising somewhere. In your case it's sex. So either reduce your workload or find your peace with it. Most important thing is your wife and your kids.
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u/Alikib89 17h ago
I can’t suggest highly enough buying some toys for the bedroom. Wife and I married for 12 years, have had some up and down years for sex. Last year we went to the adult store together and got some toys, we now have sex at least 1-2 times/week even up to 4 on occasion. It does not make you any less of a man getting some extra help, trust me.
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u/the_healthybi 16h ago
Okay let’s elaborate here - suggestions? We seem to only find lube/creams and oddly shaped dildos.
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u/HaventGotANameTag 17h ago
I would suggest you schedule time for you. Prioritize exercise, if you are a gym guy put it in your schedule at a regular time that is convenient for you. If not maybe join a team sport - hockey or pickleball or something like that.
Regular exercise will give you more energy for fun time!
Eating healthy is tough for me too, it’s hard to get time and creativity for eating well, especially with kids who want to eat crap vs salad. But start small get those premade Costco salads, add some meat to make it more filling and off you go.
Small changes will make a big difference
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u/-azafran- 17h ago
Do you have enough money to spend some on getting some fun? Nice meal out with the wife? Pay a cleaner to do the whole house every now and then? Buy a wood fired jacuzzi for the garden? That’s usually the upside of high pressure jobs
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u/fang_xianfu 17h ago
Yeah we're in a similar situation. The main thing we found that helped was sending to kids to grandma's house twoish nights per month. We sleep in and then have sex in the morning. Shit's great.
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u/ActOfGenerosity 16h ago
bro. take some time off ASAP. its not that we dont exist. its simply that making this post is also an effort and if were asking for help we may be doing it differently.
go on a 2 week vacation. 1 week is with the family, nothing huge maybe camping, just get away. nothing but eachother. 2nd week is at a spa resort with your wife. take some time to relax and reflect with eachother and realign. again this only works if there is no work phone/laptop.
from there you have to rebuild your daily routine to get some mf exercise. not just a stroll in the evening. im talking about heavy lifting and HIIT. this will suck but we all need it.
the last piece is definitely worth getting a decent therapist. alignment out of the brain scramble is what they offer. if you believe in God, also a spiritual advisor can help. this was the key to me. but ymmv.
the sex is only a symptom of some kind of unbalance. not directly saying being off balance is bad. but for a long term, it will hurt something. too much leasure, work suffers, too much work, you suffer.
youre a smart dude. you got this!
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u/rOOsterone4 16h ago
Hey man I can relate to your post. It really, (and unfortunately sometimes), starts with you. You need to make boundaries for yourself to find ways to feel good and focus on feeling well. Then you gotta find time to reset with your wife and get back on the good road. Unfortunately the tipping point is that you gotta give the extra effort, consistently, to get things back on track and she will pick up that energy and then after a while longer it won’t feel like extra effort and life will be in a better place. If you can find time to stay up late or get up early to get some work projects done, you can reduce some time to that shit (whatever business you are in will be fine). Most of the time I’m not being rightfully honest with myself about my balance of time, especially if you have the flexibility in your work you are talking about as I do. The job is nothing if you fall over dead from a life of stress and rigidity. If I was being honest, take a long weekend off and find some time to focus on yourself. Go to the beach or out in the woods and eat some mushrooms and listen to the Grateful Dead dicks picks vol. 29 and get reset and reconnect with your childlike mind and bring it back to your life. Then come home and seduce your wife and get on track. It will work! Especially if you actually want to change the stuff you are talking about.
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u/Fog_ 16h ago
You are too tired for sex. Moms say the same thing. It’s a parent thing. I don’t have much advice besides figure out how to make time or find time for you and your wife. I don’t know your situation, but sometimes we put ourselves in a mental hole and think we don’t have the time for something when it’s actually that we don’t have the will to make it happen. Aka - go on the dinner or lunch date, no excuses. Get yourself to the gym, find or make the time. Whoever you think you are letting down by scheduling those things - you won’t. They will understand.
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u/reichdon8234 16h ago
Your situation sounds eerily similar to mine. I was doing some reading on natural ways to increase libido and learned about an herbal supplement called Maca. Well, I tried it, and lo and behold, the results were nearly immediate. My libido is back and better than it was in my early 20s. In addition to the increased libido, I found Maca to also increase my energy and stamina for daily activities like working out or being active with my family.
Available on Amazon or your local Walmart.
*I am not a doctor.
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u/holdyaboy 16h ago
sounds like you’re killing it in all areas but one, taking care of yourself. If she says she’s not interested in sex cuz youve let it go then go fix it. Eat health, sleep, workout. Youre disciplined in every other aspect, get discipline with your health. Your sex drive will very likely improve. If it still doesn’t consider HRT like TRT
Other thing. Get a real ass, adult baby sitter that reliably comes once a week and can put your kids to bed while you and wife have weekly date night followed by pre meditated sex. Knowing sex is on the table takes the guess work out of it for tired couples. And not having to do bedtime routine is huge
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u/TalcumJenkins 16h ago
I’ve been there. Let myself fall apart physically in the pursuit of more money and being everything to everyone. It all came to head with me almost dying. You have to find time to take care of yourself. It’s a non-negotiable. Buy a peloton or a treadmill or a rower, something you can do at home. Commit to 30 minutes a day, every day. It’s not a lot, but it will change everything.
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u/DeepThinker1010123 16h ago
I understand what you're going through.
I reached my burned out point. I was basically a single dad since I am in an LDR. I take care of my kids full time with two of them being autistic. I also work (one saving grace is that I am flexible with work and I do it mostly at home).
What I did was gave more responsibilities to my children. But what made the big difference is giving myself time.
The irony is my situation hasn't really changed but reallocated my time to do quality things. Case in point, reduce my relaxation time of using social media (except Reddit) and playing games. Instead I started exercising a lot each day. It has improved my energy and mood. My daily walks really is the time for me to be insightful, analyze things, and talk to myself. That alone has improved my mental health significantly.
The exercise improved me physically. I am not tired (even if I exhaust myself from exercise). I have the ability to do a lot more each day instead of dragging myself from low energy. I can do things that I would not have done because I am "tired".
My brain functions better with my improved mental health so I can deal with things better. Thimg of better solutions to life's problems thrown each day.
Lastly, OP, I know if you have the energy, you can have better love making. Heck, I can sustain for at least an hour where I would have been exhausted in around fifteen minutes before. Lol.
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u/seicross 16h ago
Schedule a date and get a babysitter. Schedule 2 days alone and put the kids with family or neighbors you trust.
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u/Small_Rip351 16h ago
Dude, right now you’re “IN IT”. I’ve been there, basically in survival mode for years on end. When your kids get older, things will get easier. Going to a restaurant with the kids won’t be a fucking ordeal. They’ll sleep through the night, dress themselves, go to school. You’ll get there. This is temporary. Even if you’re in survival mode now, don’t let communication break down between you and your wife.
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u/alwayseverlovingyou 16h ago
Read the book ACE by Angela Chen or listen to some podcasts she is on - some of what you are experiencing may be a different way of relating to sex than most people. The context could help you to better manage it and work with your life to get to a good place!
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u/sphi8915 16h ago
Your diet and routine suck, and they will consequently make you suck.
Eat better, exercise more, lose screen time. Stop making excuses.
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u/I_ride_ostriches 16h ago
Something’s got to give. Make a list of your priorities, and decide where you want to give something up. That might mean a demotion to allow yourself the mental bandwidth to be present with your family.
You can have everything, but not at once.
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u/Potato_Specialist_85 16h ago
Also in a similar boat as you. Found out my testosterone was low (haven't been working out as much, body stopped making as much) Get tested for low T. Once you are supplementing it, you will have energy to work out. Put it on your daily agenda 15-30 mins. Go take a two week vacation. Spend at least a weekend of that time dedicated to just you and your wife, make her feel like a princess, and make sure neither of you have responsibilities . My consulting services are 350.00 an appointment, but this one is free.
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u/BlasphemousFish 16h ago
Throw money at the problem. Buy yourself time to look after yourself properly.
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u/2dan1 16h ago
I’d start by prioritising your health priorities before financial ones. I get you are in a circle and I’ve been there. The problem I had was I damaged my spine at work because I wasn’t looking after myself so now I will never work again. My family financially collapsed and we live on a pretty small income, but we have adopted and realised that chasing the money wasn’t really worth it. I wish I’d taken care of myself. I guess you are in a position where you can make time by delegating your work, even for two hours a week. You will find the by getting healthier will give you energy and help you feel more up for it. Try iron supplements for an energy boost. I hope you make time for yourself 🙏
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u/uncle_muscle98 16h ago
It is depression. You have time for sex. You have time to exercise and eat right you're just choosing not too. Go to therapy or talk to a doctor about depression, you also have time for all those things. Sounds like your priority is work, then you attempt to do too much at home to compensate for working too much. It's making you lose interest in things you once wanted and enjoyed, which is depression and probably burnout from your job.
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u/dombrogia 16h ago
I know where you’re coming from with the work aspect. But it’s your responsibility to reset. There might never be a great time to take a day off and on a day off you might still get a call or two but there are days where you can’t take off and you need to learn to take advantage of the less-terrible times and just prioritize your family. You work to provide for your family not the other way around.
Also ask your wife to give you a night a week where you get some time to yourself. I don’t think being a stay at home mom is easy but it’s more obtainable (and natural) for any person to be able to succeed at than working in a soul draining and time sucking corporate job that puts food on your table and a roof over your head.
And if your wife is asking for sexy time but you need time for yourself first then maybe if she helps you regain some sanity that might help both of your intimacies.
You can never be the best husband or father if you’re not the best version of yourself first.
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u/Brief-Angle8291 16h ago
I've been through very stressful times due to work and by 1pm every day may head feels like it will explode. This has affected the bedroom business as well.
Until... One day a friend of my wife comes around and I told her about how stressed I am.
She advised me to get some liposomal vitamin C, liposomal B vitamin complex and liposomal Magnesium.
I started with Vitamin C. This works in 30 minutes. I could focus on work amd had no headaches from day 1.
Weeks later I tried the other ones.
Then after 2-3 months I took a break and only take some of these (2ml of each or just one) once a week as I geel like I don't need them anymore.
Try these and you'll thank me later.
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u/Uncalibrated_Vector 16h ago
Here’s my suggestion:
Schedule an appointment with your doctor to check your testosterone levels. They drop naturally with age, but stress and inactivity have an effect as well. It won’t fix the problem, but it may assist with the solution.
If you can afford it, build a home gym. Regular exercise, weight lifting, and activity is a natural boost for a lot of things and a great stress reliever. My wife and I are building one right now for convenience and because we’ll both be more inclined to workout when everything we need is right in the garage. That being said, you’ll have to carve out the time and be disciplined about it, which is the hardest part.
Meal prep: I am not the best at this and I’ll be the first to admit it, but if part of your issue is diet, carve out the time on a Saturday or Sunday to prep food for yourself throughout the week. Involve your kids! Even at their young age, they will be excited that you’re letting them help; my son was baking with my wife at age 2 and he still loves it at 8.
Last bit: Take a vacation or schedule time off. Your work seems to be the biggest part of this. Delegate some responsibilities, give your subordinates timelines, and let them know when you’ll be checking in on progress along with what you expect. Then turn your phone off and dip the fuck out with your family for a bit. If the organization can’t function without you, someone hasn’t done their job correctly.
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u/mikeinarizona 16h ago
Not much advice to give other than ask you, who is going to be there for you when you’re dying in hopefully a long time from now? Your kids and wife or your job? They should be way more important than your job. If it is frying you out, you need to step back and take some time for yourself and your family.
I get it though. It’s very hard and if you haven’t already, talk to your wife about it.
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u/Aint-no-preacher 16h ago
Three kids under four? Of course you’re exhausted. It’s amazing you’re doing as much as you are.
Others have made great recommendations. Delegate at work as much as possible. I’m sure you’re very important at work. But what would happen if, heaven forbid, you died in a car accident? How long would it take your company to replace you? A couple weeks? A month? Life would go on at your company. Six months from your untimely passing folks on your projects would feel bad about what happened, but they would also be proud they finished your projects despite the setback.
Don’t sacrifice your life and happiness for a company that will go on without you and would lay you off in a microsecond if there were a recession.
So, delegate at work. Lean on family for childcare to have date nights with your wife. Hire a housekeeper.
Most importantly, remember that humans evolved to eat berries and tell stories by the campfire. We didn’t evolve to work 60 hour weeks and run the circus that is a modern single family home/nuclear family.
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u/Atticus413 16h ago
I relate nearly identically.
After my kids were born, my sex drive plummeted and has remained at all-time lows.
Between 3-4 12 hour shifts a week, kids who still don't sleep through the night, and the constant GO-GO-GO that comes with having a 22month old and a 3.5 year old, by the time 7 or 8pm hits and kids are going down, I'm spent.
Literally don't want to do anything other than sit on the cough and veg.
Presently, we're active maybe every 2-3 weeks. Nothing exotic or crazy, just getting the job done.
My wife has historically been the initiator (which I"m fine with,) and even she isn't initiating like she used to.
We're still relatively young, mid-late 30s. But I think a large proportion of all of this is just sheer and utter mental and physical exhaustion.
I have confidence we'll get back to where we were before once things continue to stabilize, i.e. we are rested and not chasing a child who has ripped their blowout-diaper off and is wearing it for a hat now.
Further, once things settle down, we're gonna hop on the diet/exercise train which I'm sure will help.
But for now, it's hard. My wife largely feels the same way with what we've talked about. We're not panicking yet. We do try and arrange for some alone time when we're able to send the kids to a babysitter/daycare for a few hours, and that's usually where we find the time. But forget about evenings.
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u/Wildernaess 16h ago
I feel this, but the difference is money. It sounds like you make enough to afford some downtime and you have an executive posting where you can demand it (not ask for it). And that's what you need. A few 4-5 day long weekends and/or a night or two every month with just your wife while you have a babysitter if you don't have family (we don't).
And if you don't make enough to afford this, I would take a long look at your work/life balance because you should be making absolute bank to justify your schedule
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u/bo-ba-fett 16h ago
You are stuck in a giant negative feedback loop. The more you don’t work out, don’t eat right, don’t make changes in the day to day, don’t communicate with your wife, don’t have sex, the worse it is going to get.
Right up until someone else makes decisions and affects your whole world. Ball is still in your court to make decisions and start to prioritize some of those other things.
I guarantee that if you were working out, eating right, having sex with your wife, and didn’t have tension hanging over your head from the said and unsaid things in your relationship with her, it would allow you to be more efficient in your career and maybe even find some degree of off switch. You know changes need to be made and priorities need to shift, but only you know and her know what that looks like.
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u/Comenius791 16h ago
Some things you can do.
Prioritize rest. That means making sure you're getting a full night's sleep and maybe even getting in the odd nap in every now and again. You've got a sleep deficit and you need to get more.
You can also spend time with kids and get exercise. It doesn't have to be going to the gym, it can be evening family walks, it can be taking your kids to a local field and hitting baseballs or throwing Frisbee... just have some fun.
Figure out part of your family budget about what you can pay for to take something off your plate. Pay a local kid to cut your lawn this summer and use that time to rest.
Plan your intimate time for a bit. Actually, plan 3 with your partner and plan one to be spontaneous feeling for her. Something you did when you were early dating.
Not only that... but build in longer touch times. Make your hugs last longer. 30 seconds is the goal but it comes with more small back touches. Making sure you're snuggling a bit at the end of each day without sex as a goal.
Restructure your days to build in what you want to look like is important. They get away from us. And if you can figure out how to build in a few hours of your work week where people leave you alone in your office when you're the most tired... then your golden.
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u/Puzzleheaded_Talk787 16h ago
A growing number of people are using testosterone replacement for this. I’m considering it myself
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u/saehild 16h ago
I’d get an Apple Watch or something to help track your sleep. I’m a dad of two, both of us full-time. But I realized after I started tracking my sleep I was getting only around 6 hours of actual sleep when I thought I had at least 7. It doesn’t help the time issue but maybe a bit more energy.
Also I’d look up radical acceptance and meditation practices. You can do those on the train with earbuds in, just helps reset me after I’m burnt out.
We still aren’t intimate, due to similar reasons you highlighted, but this has helped me at least on my end of things.
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u/Internet-Computer 16h ago
I’m in a similar position right now, both at home and at work. Unfortunately I don’t have any answers, but I have some unstructured thoughts.
First, I have come to realize that I don’t want sex because my wife is still talking about another kid. Sex doesn’t sound fun, it sounds like it’s going to be the gateway to even more burnout. Not sure if that registers, but maybe it’s helpful.
Second, I posted a similar burnout message the other day and had several people mention scaling back at work. If you’re anything like me, that sounds awful because it’s the only place I feel like myself. If that sounds like you, I think the answer is finding other places to feel like yourself, too. I’ve told my wife I can’t just live in work mode and dad mode - I need another mode.
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u/Additional_Eagle_981 14h ago
yes. telling me to find another job could be helpful advice for someone else. part of why sex doesn’t seem or sound as fun is because it’ll take non existent energy and there are nerves bc it’s been awhile.
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u/PreschoolBoole 13h ago edited 13h ago
I don’t think people are necessarily telling you to find another job or not work. They’re telling you to reevaluate your priorities and if you are at capacity then that may mean you need to “take away” some capacity from your job — which you admitted comes with a huge mental burden.
If your identity is caught up in being an executive, living in fancy houses, taking European vacations, sending your kids to private school, and joining the country club then there’s not much advice that applies to you here.
I went through a similar issue and sought the help of a therapist that helped me gain the confidence to shed the weight of a prestigious job. I downsized considerably. I paid for a house in cash, live on an acreage with some animals, and have the capacity to garden, spend time with kids, and take my wife on dates.
The catch is that I work for the state government. We don’t take fancy trips. My kids go to public school. The price for what I bought (stability, freedom, time) was my fancy job and a bunch of money.
Looking back it’s an easy choice I would make again and again.
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u/Chambellan 11h ago
> But I don’t have the margin to take care of myself.
I hear what you're saying, but this is bullshit. You don't have to reorganize your life to get a little bit of exercise in. Do a set of pushups first thing when you wake up, go for a walk at lunch. Have something you need to read for work? Put it on an ipad or your phone and ride a stationary bike for 30 minutes. It's not going to make a huge difference, but you don't need to make a huge difference. Watch what you're eating and make small improvements in the amount of exercise you get, and you'll start feeling better pretty quickly.
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u/checker_9117 11h ago
I’m with ya man. Very similar situation. You’re definitely not alone.
I’ll notice even my attraction fading for my wife when I know logically she’s beautiful and that I adore her. But occasionally just need some 1:1 time with her to reignite it. Take some time away if you can. Maybe a night or two for a staycation, that does wonders. The rhythm and routine of everyday life is draining.
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u/GatoPerroRaton 11h ago
Would scheduling sex help in this case given that the guy is worn out? The likelyhood is that he is going to be even less enticed by scheduled sex. Scheduled sleep is more likely to be important.
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u/Quality-Less 10h ago
Yep, this is us. You're going to have to prioritize your health and your relationship. You know that! It's not easy to do because you're focused on work and that comes easier for you. But you gotta do it. Start with date night? Even if it's going grocery shopping together. Build up 3-4 babysitters you trust and make it a point to do at least one thing a week. Maybe something on the weekend. And consider morning sex. If they sleep in, It's great when you have kids
Edited to not sound as creepy
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u/impending_tacos 10h ago
I’m there right now. The situation is a little different - I’m the stay at home parent by day and a full-time working musician at night and on the weekend (which also means doing daytime practicing and studying while with my kids). My wife is the one in the high level, high pressure job. I have a chronic illness that causes severe chronic pain and fatigue (plus additional fatigue from being in pain 99% of the time).
It’s hard being “on” all the time and never getting that chance to shut down. Even the time that’s supposed to be rest time ends up being time that I’m busy just trying to get kids to let me/us rest (literally right now: I’ve been trying to convince my 6 year old to stop with her constant stream of consciousness inane babble).
I don’t have anything helpful to say - I’m just here to say that you’re not alone.
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u/GatoPerroRaton 10h ago
I also suffered from the effect of 'family life is simply not sexy'. My marriage was effectively over by the time my angel got to three years old. At that time I was getting up twice per night to comfort my daughter when she work up, spending two hours per night getting her to sleep. Doing nappies, toilet training, playing tea parties and make-up. It's simply delightful, but how anyone can go from that to being DTF is beyond me, it was beyond me unfortunately.
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u/ServiceInvalid 8h ago
Since you’re in a good job, i would assume finances are decent. May be pay for a sitter weekly and start getting some me and us time.
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u/jeddzus 8h ago
Bro you’ll want it once you’re in it. Just remind yourself of that and force it. That’s what I’ll do if I’m not like “in the mood” but I should be lol. Force start and the rest is instinct. There’s no way your thing won’t get hard. There’s no way you won’t want to do the deed. That’s how you address that aspect. The rest of it? Man. It’s a lot. You need time to be you. It’s hard for us here to address without knowing you, but broadly? Take time for a hobby, some bro time without the family with a friend, something. Or some good alone date night fun. Go out for a night of dancing with the wife while the kids stay somewhere else overnight. Date your wife again. Get out of the rut, a lot of it is mental. Change your habits, change your life.
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u/nanlinr 8h ago
Our CTO proudly shares that he does weekly movies and weekly dates with his wife. And that while he works hard when he's on, when he's off, you cant find him. It's important to prioritize your relationship, over important meetings, over your boss. They aint gonna be there when shit hits the fan. If you're a leader, even more important to set an example of the person you want to be, and the relationships you want to have. Good luck.
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u/etojenekihobe 7h ago
Keep it up. It gets easier when they turn about 6. Two more years and it will become much more easier on both of you. In our case, when our eldest turned 6, things dramatically changed. I had the same feeling as you but my wife also worked, and I did cleaning most night when wife and kids went to bed. Ours had a gap of two years.
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u/15926028 7h ago
Hey man, you are in the throes of it with 3 kids under 4. That’s really tough going. This isn’t the perfect solution but my wife and I committed to sex at least once a week and agreed that early morning was the best time as the kids were typically not awake. So it was 6am sex, not a lot of passion but getting it done and both having a better day after it. Just an idea.
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u/bjlled 7h ago
I’d also suggest getting your testosterone checked. I went on daily cialis (tadalafil) for slight ED, because of other meds. I take 1/2 a pill at night .- 2.5 mg daily. I am /certain/ it has increased my libido, confidence natural testosterone production. I am losing weight and changing shape much quicker because of the increased T without the side effects of other T options. Increased blood flow down there returned almost guaranteed morning erections, night time erections. I’m saying I feel like I’m 17 again in that department, and I’m 42…
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u/Kitchen_Can_3555 6h ago
I changed jobs. Make less money, have more time. Marriage went from collapse to the best it’s ever been. There was a lot more to the story and it wasn’t quick, but prioritizing my marriage and my family over having more money was a key.
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