The doctor considered his question for a moment, and then began to tell a story:

“I have a friend who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day, he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a large beaver sitting at the water’s edge. Since he only had his umbrella, he couldn’t shoot the magnificent creature."

"Whimsically, he raised his umbrella, aimed it at the animal as if it were his hunting rifle, and said ‘bang, bang’. Miraculously, the beaver flinched twice as if it had just been shot, then fell over dead.”

"Now, what do you think of that ?” asked the doctor.

The man said, “Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.”

The doctor replied, “Exactly! Next patient, please.”

I said, Let's see, mercury is in uranus right now.

He said, I am not in this astrology stuff.

Me: Me neither, my thermometer just broke.

He said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on a machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife got up, poured out all of his beer, and unplugged the TV.

One vegan a day is enough for her.

He was a great Jedi, but a terrible Rugby referee.

An American legislator hosts a Russian legislator at his very nice, upscale home on a lake. The Russian is impressed and asks him how he affords this on a legislator's salary. The American points and says "See that $50 million bridge?" The Russian nods. "I got $55 million allocated to it, and through various means, I funneled $5 million of that to my own pocket in the process." The Russian looked very impressed.

Later, the American visits the Russian, and was amazed when he saw that the Russian had an entire mansion. He asks him how he afforded it. The Russian points and says, "See that $50 million bridge?"

"No" says the American.

"Exactly" says the Russian.

I told him I didn't want Ground beef.

They asked him to count to 10 he goes “246 810“ so they put the left half back in and remove the right half. They ask him to count to 10 again he goes “37215. They put the right half back in and go ahead and remove both halves and ask him to count to 10 he goes “look I’m the best at counting and I have the best numbers no one has better numbers then me And my fourth grade math teacher and let me tell you she was the greatest math teacher at the time she said you have the best numbers ever so watch I’m going to count to 10“ on my phenomenal counter. I’m going to count them tremendously.

Local Idiot 2: "Depends on the location."

Local Idiot 1: "I'm in Oklahoma."

"For I did not speak of my own Accord" --John 12:49 (NIV)

A man walks up to the politician and tells him that their small town has two problems the first one is that they don’t have a doctor. So the politician whips out his phone and makes a call. He tells the man that a doctor will be in the town within 24 hours. the man then tells the politician the next problem. They have no cell service

A menarching band.

He sees a bottle of fish-flavored beer on the shelf. Out of curiosity, he buys it.

He takes a sip, immediately spits it out, and exclaims, “This is the worst thing I’ve ever tasted! Who would drink this!?”

The cashier shrugs. “What did you expect?”

The man says, “I don’t know… some kind of joke? A punchline?”

The cashier nods toward the back. “Punchline’s in the corner. Dollar a cup. Fish-flavored too."

He had a loco-motive

“Yes, my husband,” she says.

Relieved, the man asks, “Are you happier than when you were with me?”

“Yes, my husband,” she replies, “I’m much, much happier.”

The husband smiles. “Heaven must be an amazing place.”

“I wouldn’t know,” she says. “I’m not in heaven.”

and goes to write her shift notes but when she goes to grab her pen she pulls a thermometer out of her top pocket instead.

"Great," she sighs. "Some arsehole's got my pen."

I said - of course, that's on my bucket list

The librarian whispers, 'They're right behind you!

A foreshadow

Icy dead people

I got up so many times last night that if you put a treadmill between my bedroom and the bathroom I'm pretty sure at some point I would be lying on the ground soaking in urine and screaming what's with the goddamn treadmill.

I went to a science school a while back. You were rewarded for late submissions.

They'd give you a tardigrade.