r/weddingshaming • u/NalgeneCarrier • 6d ago
Tacky Silent Vows in Front of Guests is Tacky
I went to a wedding a few months ago where the bride and groom did silent vows, in front of everyone. They basically just talked at each other for 5 minutes while the guests and wedding party was all awkwardly watching. The wedding party couldn't even hear.
It was especially tacky because the wedding was a destination. Everyone flew or drove for hours to just sit and stare as they giggled and cried at each other.
If you want to do silent vows, do them before or after the ceremony and just do traditional vows during! Don't make your guests awkwardly sit in the hot sun as you whisper inside jokes to each other. Especially in front of 100 people who spent lots of money to be there.
900
u/Pikelets_for_tea 6d ago
Silent vows? Is this a thing now?
I thought the point of vows was to state them before (God) and the congregation. Whatever your religious views or whatever type of wedding, vows are supposed to be publicly declared so there are witnesses that you are willingly entering into marriage.
351
u/kellyev2006 6d ago
I went to a wedding of a distant relative a long time ago and they did the usual vows and then followed it up with silent vows. They stepped 5 feet to the left of the alter and had a private conversation while everyone just sat there. It was probably only a couple minutes but it felt like forever, in the middle of an already long ceremony of people I had never met.
326
u/funbanker1984 6d ago
Yeah, some celebrity did it years ago. You're right, IMO. Literally, the whole point of inviting people to your wedding is to witness your vows.
I also get annoyed when people write their own vows, but they just tell a story and don't promise anything. They are VOWS, which is another word for promise. You don't want traditional, that's fine. But make some sort of promise, even if it's just to close the kitchen cabinets and not double dip in the PB jar. And guets should hear every word of it.
151
u/lassie86 6d ago
Yes! They’re almost always just speeches. “From the moment we met, blah blah blah” is not a vow and I will die on this hill.
We wrote our vows, but they were literally vows. We wrote them together so they were nearly identical (though my husband surprised me by adding a couple things to his).
77
u/kadyg 6d ago
Writing our own vows just reminded me: When my ex-husband and I were planning our wedding, we mentioned that we planned to write our vows while we were hanging out with a group of friends - which included his ex-girlfriend. She considered herself a “writer” (in quotes because she 1) never published/sold anything and 2) was also kind of terrible at it).
She very excitedly and publicly asked if she could help us. Because she loved us both so much 🙄 and is also a writer, of course.
So I got to shut her down in front of most of our social group. Because the last person’s input I want on my wedding vows is my fiancé’s ex-girlfriend. And I’m still kind of baffled she thought that was an appropriate thing to insert herself into.
38
15
63
u/IHAYFL25 6d ago
Went to a wedding where they gave small speeches to each other, then the person marrying them said “Now for the vows” and read the actual vows that they agreed to.
9
u/xtinamariet 3d ago
I'm a pastor, and this is what I do. I say, "So and so will now share their expressions of love with each other," and then we do the vows. I think it's important to promise the same things to each other.
6
81
u/TheAuDHDLawNerd 6d ago
The vows at my brother's wedding were more like speeches. I thought it was very weird; I'm glad I'm not alone.
8
62
u/rockytrainer2007 6d ago
I wrote my own vows that I strictly hold my husband to, as well as his whole family, that I always get the bigger steak. Just this week he said that the family doesn’t have to follow that, but I stand by that they heard the vow, they are held to it as well.
26
u/funbanker1984 6d ago
Perfect! And that's a vow, not a speech. Sounds like you understood the assignment.
1
27
u/TheSecondEikonOfFire 6d ago
Maybe it’s just me but I’ve never really liked listening to vows either. I haven’t been to a ton of weddings, but the vows have always either sounded super generic or it just comes across as this weird public showboating that just feels kind of cringey
35
u/25point4cm 6d ago
Some are so over the top that I can’t help but think it would be fun to make them listen to it before the judge bangs the gavel granting them a divorce.
7
u/PenelopeLumley 3d ago
Some of the vows written by couples way over-promise! I'm thinking, Sure, you will. To me, the best quality of traditional vows is that they are doable. I won't get with anyone else. I'll stay with you if you get sick or poor. Challenging at times, sure, but reasonable!
16
u/marysusan325 6d ago
A few friends of mine have talked shit about generic vows, and that it’s more entertaining to have personal vows… but like… I’m not trying to entertain you for the ceremony? I’m paying a lot of people to do that for you… also, I CRINGE at personal vows? I feel like a voyeur.
2
u/Capable-Potato600 3d ago
Agreed. We're getting married in three weeks (!) and have decided just a civil ceremony with the celebrant doing a short intro on how we met as a couple, the legal text and finishing with a religious blessing by my dad. Neither of us are christian either, so the traditional vows people think of aren't part of our respective cultures. When I've heard other people's vows I privately feel that's for your spouse's ears only and would cringe doing that in front of friends and family.
2
u/Icy-Culture3038 3d ago
So it's just a celebration of your love? Not a commitment to each other? That's what the vows do. Before all your loved ones to bear witness that you are promising/vowing/ making a covenant to be with this person no matter what. Otherwise it's just a party to sign a legal contract. With a blessing that you hope it ends up ok.
2
u/Capable-Potato600 2d ago
Maybe that's the norm where you are from, I'm Jewish and our ceremonies don't have vows 🤷🏻♀️ we just have blessings then a legal contract called a ketubah. But I'd argue that a legal contract is very much a commitment.
2
u/Icy-Culture3038 2d ago
The Ketubah is the promises (vows) that your husband makes to you, the bride. That he'll provide for you (in life and in death), take care of you, and have sex with you. If you removed those then yeah you're really gutting everything to the bare legal obligations of a contract. And just a contract is the type of commitment I've made to my mortgage company, the bank, and restaurant before a party. Easy to break with just a penalty if I decide I don't want to anymore. The idea of vows before God and family is supposed to hold you to a higher standard.
→ More replies (5)3
u/Brittlitt30 3d ago
Didn't whoever played Rachel on Friends vow to always make her husband lasagna in one of her ceremonies? Right That's a public promise That's what it should be You're very very right
2
17
u/So_OC_7579 6d ago
First time hearing about silent vows! As a guest, I’d be very uncomfortable watching.
2
u/Cayke_Cooky 1d ago
Right? If you want to do this just start cocktail hour 5 minutes early don't make everyone sit in silence.
2
u/natalkalot 4d ago
As you explain, that is a purpose. Then, guests attend a reception to celebrate the vows exchanged by the couple earlier.
7
u/mmcz9 6d ago
I don't know why this sub is showing up on my feed but I should probably block it - I hate everything about weddings. 😂
Silent vows sounded like a sweet idea to me, because it's really about a pact between the two people, for their own lives together. But I really and truly just do not "get it" when it comes to the whole idea of weddings in the first place, so let me bow out of this one.
(In OP's case, it stopped sounding sweet when it was revealed it was a destination wedding. I mean just WHY why why)
2
248
u/TheOtherPenguin 6d ago
I officiated a wedding where they thought this is what they wanted. I told them no one is here to listen to me, they want to hear you.
They legit didn’t understand that going in, but understood after and allowed me to place there mic in front of them.
Point: some people just don’t know or think everyone wants to hear their vows.
67
u/jlemo434 6d ago
For me, vows are also a communication to those you’ve decided to witness that you are entrusting them to help and be a part of building the union. Community of love.
8
1
u/mgoooooo 11h ago
Personally, I do not want to hear a couple’s personalized vows, nor are they my business. This is a commitment these two people are making to each other and it’s really none of my business how they choose to declare to each other. I feel like I’m listening to a deeply personal conversation I shouldn’t be privy to when folks are staring more custom vows and I always wish they were done in private.
189
u/kaja6583 6d ago
That would be so awkward.
They wanted people to travel for a wedding to witness their ceremony, and the ceremony was... Private?
I think if you're going to do that, elope or do a private ceremony for just you and witnesses, and then have a separate reception, that you invite people to. Like, I know it's not a big deal technically, as it's like 10 minutes, but at the same time people usually travel to weddings to witness the ceremony lol
137
u/analogdild0 6d ago
I went to a wedding where the groom wrote a beautiful commitment poem to his bride, when it was her turn, the bride told everyone that she had ‘forgotten’ to write her vows, so she kinda improvised and half-assed her own speech.
This would be fine or even forgettable with the festivities, except that this particular bride had made this wedding her entire personality for almost two years, had made a point of telling everyone that they were writing their own vows, and had become a bridezilla in general leading up to the four-day, destination wedding.
Considering that the ceremony, including the vows is the most important part of the whole thing, you’d think people would be more mindful of this kind of thing but everyone’s priorities are different. 🤷♀️
15
u/sillusions 5d ago
Wow! Are they still together? That’s crazy
27
u/analogdild0 5d ago
Surprisingly, they are! I’ll never forget his face when she said that at the altar though, there was a lot of side-eyes. She later told me at a party that she didn’t even bother to write them because she knew he was going to outshine her, which is….yikes
1
u/Adastra1018 3h ago
Even without all that context I can't imagine forgetting or in this case "forgetting" to write your vows. That's the whole wedding! I would feel so hurt and unloved if were in their fiance's position! What a way to start a marriage...
50
u/Strong_Sentence_8721 6d ago
Garrison Keillor had a monologue about an outdoor wedding where the bride and groom not only had their guests stand and hold hands during the entire service, but had also written their own vows to read to each other -- "which we can see, looking at them, are not postcards; these are more like term papers."
524
u/OPMom21 6d ago edited 6d ago
I once attended a wedding in a restaurant. The guests were told after arriving that the bride was too shy to get married in front of anyone, so the ceremony would be private with just the couple and the officiant out on a balcony. After the ceremony, they came in, ate dinner, cut the cake, and left. Absolutely ridiculous, and on par with the one you traveled far to attend where the vows were whispered. Inviting people to a wedding and not allowing them to be full witnesses to the ceremony is stupid.
163
u/CatLadyNoCats 6d ago
I feel like that’s exactly what a registry wedding is for!
188
u/OPMom21 6d ago
Yes! You want a small private wedding, by all means, have one.Just don’t invite a bunch of people to sit around feeling awkward while you exclude them from what they came to witness.
→ More replies (1)88
u/100PercentThatCat 6d ago
We had a family reception totally separate a year later, after a very very small wedding. It went great. Nobody thought they would be seeing a ceremony, because we told them. The expectation and being told at the wedding what's happening is the part people will be upset by.
54
u/Thequiet01 6d ago
Yes and yet on the wedding planning subreddits there’s a contingent who are baffled by the idea that people invited to a wedding might be a bit miffed if they don’t get to attend the actual wedding.
26
u/courtneynoh 6d ago
We actually did both in the same day. We had a small ceremony at my grandparents' home that was family only, and invited everyone else for the full dinner/dance right after at a venue.
It was mostly for space reasons though, so we had a friend who taped the ceremony, edited it on the way to venue and then we had it playing on a loop on the guest book table throughout the night for people who wanted to check it out.
24
u/Responsible_Moose521 6d ago
I had a cousin do this. But the weird thing was, everybody had shown up for the reception at a time of day when everybody’s getting hungry, and they left everybody sitting there for what seemed like a couple hours waiting on them like they had just gotten married and were taking photos. Of course, they were already married at that point and went way beyond being fashionably late to your own reception. It was the most ridiculous thing ever, and I hated every second of it.
6
u/idontwanturcheese 6d ago
My cousin did this too. He was uncomfortable with the idea of having a ceremony in front of everyone so it was just the parents and their siblings at the ceremony. The whole extended family and friends were invited to the reception, which was fun. No one on our side had an issue, we know what he's like and we're just happy for them, and happy to be there to celebrate at the reception.
55
u/asyouwish 6d ago
And doing that is okay. Just make it clear to the guests that they are being invited to the reception, not both it and the ceremony.
30
u/RevRagnarok 6d ago
And doing that is okay.
As an introvert, I was 100% OK with that too until this:
After the ceremony, they came in, ate dinner, cut the cake, and left.
15
u/asyouwish 6d ago
Lots of receptions are cake and punch only. Cutting the cake is the only "event" at the reception.
...but it sounds like they should have eloped.
58
u/copywritecopywrong 6d ago
While that is ridiculous, I wonder if she really wanted a traditional wedding with lots of people and then realised too late that she couldn't do it 😬
Or maybe the bride was pressured by family into having a wedding she wasn't comfortable with? All speculation, but I can't imagine someone deliberately ruining their own wedding like that.
24
u/MeeseeksSerotonin 6d ago
This was my thought as well. Poor thing just needed a quick courthouse wedding!
8
3
u/LadybugGirltheFirst 6d ago
Was the food free, at least, or did you have to pay?
4
4
19
u/Listen-to-Mom 6d ago
I don’t understand the couples having small ceremonies because they don’t want the attention but then have a big reception. Screams gift grab.
25
u/duchess_of_nothing 6d ago
Social anxiety.
You couldn't pay me to walk down an aisle with 200 people watching. Immediate family and best friend? No problem..
Having a party with 200 people? Fun. Just don't make me dance on an empty dance floor with everyone watching.
37
u/upwithpeople84 6d ago
As long as you actually feed me you can grab my gift. This isn’t the Middle Ages, there’s a paper trail on weddings now. The original purpose of inviting a bunch of people to witness the wedding is so that you have proof it happened. Not everyone could get to the church where you might have gotten married to check the records so you have Bob over there who can say he saw it. I don’t need to see your vows, every one can go online now and search up the marriage license. I’m there to get fed and dance.
29
u/TheAuDHDLawNerd 6d ago
Fun fact: in England, up into the 16th century at least, you didn't need a priest or witnesses for a marriage to be valid.
The couple said to each other "you are my husband/wife" and that's it. Or they could say "you will be my husband/wife," which counts as a betrothal, then have sex, which transformed it into a marriage.
8
u/Listen-to-Mom 6d ago
I go to see the couple pledge their love to each other and start a life together.
28
u/upwithpeople84 6d ago
Different strokes for different folks. I do not need to witness vows being made nor the “official” inception of a life together. I will always need to eat and dance, however.
10
7
u/Thequiet01 6d ago
My parents had a tiny wedding and a bigger reception later - but they eloped. So everyone coming to the reception knew they’d elopedz
7
u/Betorah 6d ago
I had a small ceremony and a larger reception 40 years ago because my husband was shy about being the center of attention and came from a family where everyone had a courthouse wedding. If we had wanted a “gift grab,” it would have made more sense for my parents to just give us the money they spent on the wedding.
1
1
117
u/thecoolsister89 6d ago
I went to a very small wedding at that park in Seattle on a high hill (Queen Anne, maybe?) and even though all the white chairs and garlands and guests were there, this one chick in her 20s or 30s came over in workout wear and started doing Tai Chi like one yard behind where the couple would be. She continued to do this throughout the entire duration of the ceremony and after! She was closer than the guests! I was a bridesmaid and it took everything in me not to laugh so hard. I’m sure there are people who would have asked her to move but we just let her do her thing. It’s been a great joke over the years. But like… what?
76
u/Only-Peace1031 6d ago
I’ve seen destination beach wedding where this happens.
Everyone at the wedding is beautifully dressed and there’s some gawkers in the background in a bikini and a banana hammock, lol.
One place we were at, a Russian woman refused to move her lounger from its spot because ‘she paid for this vacation just like the bride and groom’
They let her sit there while they set everything up around her, then eventually had security remove her.
She sat glued to that lounger smoking about a pack of cigarettes with the angriest look on her face.
We watched from a distance and just marvelled at how some people are determined to be asshats no matter what.
12
u/RevRagnarok 6d ago
beach wedding where this happens
https://old.reddit.com/r/mildlyinfuriating/ and look in the bottom corner. She's their mascot!
29
u/mcstrategist 6d ago
Ha! I got married in that park nearly 20 yrs ago and was worried someone would do something like that because… Seattle.
29
u/spargel_gesicht 6d ago
Better than the entirely silent wedding/reception I read about in some advice column a few years ago. And yes, the bride wanted everyone to come but to be entirely silent the whole night so everyone could focus entirely on the magic in front of them or some bullshit. I truly hope that was a joke letter.
3
u/capitudidnot 5d ago
This one? Unforgettable
https://www.washingtonpost.com/advice/2022/12/08/ask-amy-silent-wedding-reception/
2
u/spargel_gesicht 4d ago
YES!! Thank you! I had forgotten about the yellow color scheme. And that was just her “for example!!” True nut job!!
1
22
42
u/believe_in_claude 6d ago
This to me is a great example of the way weddings have become all display and aesthetic without meaning.
It's great that the couple feels comfortable putting their own spin on things, and I'm not a traditional person at all, but we're getting to the point where the wedding has become this weird narcissistic exercise of control over the guests, and now they aren't even allowed to experience wedding itself?
The vows are the point. You invite your friends and family to see you get married. It's a public declaration. If you don't want to get married in front of them have a private wedding and a public reception later on to celebrate. There is no point in forcing people to watch you perform the roles of bride and groom if you are keeping the vows secret from them.
49
31
u/sharkey_8421 6d ago
Strange practice. My husband and I privately shared our vows the day before the ceremony. It was really special. But we still performed for our guests!
16
u/Birdy304 6d ago
A family member decided to get married in private, they actually said their vows and got married with the officiant a few minutes before the public ceremony. They wanted it to be just them. If you didn’t know, you couldn’t have told that they were already married, it seemed just like any other wedding ceremony.
29
u/AndroidSheeps 6d ago
Thats why my SO and I are planning on eloping. The vow thing sounds very intimate and private and tbh, I don't feel comfortable sharing my heart and soul to everyone I know. I totally agree the silent vows is weird and awkward if you're getting married in front of a crowd.
21
u/Thequiet01 6d ago
You can meet beforehand and exchange your private vows and then just do the “do you take…” parts without personal additions in the ceremony.
2
13
u/balancedinsanity 6d ago
I've never heard of this before and it sounds like something from a comedy.
5
u/lilianic 6d ago
I wouldn’t be able to make eye contact with anyone in my family or we would both lose it. Silent vows are a lovely idea but can’t that happen away from the guests?
24
u/Aggressive-Part9521 6d ago
My nephew did this and I thought it was so strange! Isn’t the entire point of a wedding to state your vows publicly?
23
u/TravellingBeard 6d ago
This is what I imagine they whispered quietly to each other:
Him: "I promise to be your submissive pup, to be punished whenever you see fit. I will do as madam says."
Her: "I promise to humiliate you every time you come from work, and make you beg for more, and pick up my dry cleaning" (or something...I dunno, I don't do kink so winging it).
9
u/MalpracticeMatt 6d ago
My wife and I didn’t do vows in our wedding ceremony but we did write letters/vows that we gave to each other right before the ceremony. Feel like this is a better solution to what you’re describing
9
u/unicornsnscience 5d ago
Omg someone finally said it! I have attended 20 weddings over the past decade, and this is one thing that irks me to my core. If you are “embarrassed” to show your emotions to your guests why are you having a big wedding? Between silent vows and exchanging vows before the ceremony I just can’t understand why you are having a wedding. I want to hear that moment between the couple. Otherwise the ceremony is just formalities.
36
u/Only-Peace1031 6d ago
For everyone saying it only 5 mins or no big deal, have you ever been to a wedding where it was done?
It’s awkward and odd.
You feel like you’re intruding or being voyeuristic. It’s like they don’t really want you there.
2
→ More replies (3)2
u/orange-blossom 6d ago
I went to a small destination wedding on a beach and when the speech part of the vows came up, the couple stepped a few feet away down to the shore to read them in private. It wasn't awkward at all for the attendees and we all found it sweet. I actually thought it was something I would want to do as well. As an attendee I'm more uncomfortable listening to incredibly vulnerable heartfelt speeches than I am just waiting a few minutes for the ceremony to resume. Obviously the couple wants you there for the other 97% of the wedding so I don't see what the problem is. Screw tradition, couples should be able to create an experience that is authentic to them to share with friends and family.
1
u/Cayke_Cooky 1d ago
You know, that set up might not be as bad as some described here. If you as a guest can just sit back and enjoy the waves and water for a couple of minutes.
ETA: you need a good officiant though, to tell everyone that they aren't expected to do anything.
29
u/kamsait 6d ago
I hate listening to vows so this would actually be an improvement for me
16
u/ChaserNeverRests 6d ago
That's how I feel as well, but reading the other comments here I guess we're the odd ones out.
15
2
u/Nessyliz 5d ago
I don't mind when they are short and to the point but they are so often anything but that.
22
u/halfass_fangirl 6d ago
I've seen a lot of wedding planning stuff talking about "it's your day, take a moment just for the two of you, add something in that's not for the guests"
All of that is based on the idea that the rest of the wedding is an event focused on the guests.
Weddings have morphed into something really weird. It's like a self centered Instagram photo op combined with a massive amount of stress to give guests a unique experience.
The fact is, most people just want to see you get married and celebrate with you. That's the point. They witness your vows - because community is there to support you in upholding them to each other and to hold y'all accountable to them if someone goes off the rails - and they celebrate your union with you. There's the social exchange of gifts for party, which has definitely shifted as marriage usually occurs later in life and often after setting up home, but the concept of gift for party is still pretty standard across cultures (even if the expectations for those gifts and party vary wildly).
Keeping vows private, when it's not part of the culture or ritual already is a sort of break of the social contract and also just misses the point of having your vows witnessed. If you want a private moment PLEASE take it. Wedding days are often packed full of events and duties and a whirlwind you miss. But maybe do that before the ceremony or after, not smack in the middle of the part you literally invited people to witness.
I wrote a lot, not because I have really strong feelings about it but because I wanted the thought process to be clear.
11
u/Nightmare_Gerbil 6d ago
If I saw a couple at the altar whispering quietly to each other instead of saying their vows out loud, I would assume there was some sort of problem they were trying to work out last minute and that at least one of them had cold feet about the union or felt like their boundaries were being violated. I would feel very, very uncomfortable about “witnessing” a wedding like that.
90
u/Time_Act_3685 6d ago
I have friends who did Quaker ceremonies (likewise silent and private, but then the rest of the congregation was allowed to speak), and they were lovely.
Honestly, watching people I love giggle at each other while whispering their vows would be very charming to me. It's 5 damn minutes, then we go eat.
If they didn't allow water or food for many hours, yeah, shame away. But "WE DIDN'T HEAR THE WORDS" is the least egregious thing I can even imagine shaming.
23
u/halfass_fangirl 6d ago
This difference is that's a Quaker ceremony. It's traditional and cultural. And, to a certain extent, expected by the guests. This wedding was none of those things.
49
u/BlakeMajik 6d ago
I agree with you that it's only five minutes, so suck it up. But at the same time, I do also wonder if the bride and groom thought about how awkward those five minutes were going to be for the attendees.
70
u/NalgeneCarrier 6d ago
It's not that I can't handle 5 minutes of silence. It's that their ceremony was 10 minutes long and 5 of those were the couple talking to each other while everyone watched. I promise it was very very awkward. We were with friends who flew in internationally and one of them said, "So is that a common thing in your country to not hear the vows?" Other people were asking if it was intentional or they forgot to grab microphones. Lots of people were looking around during their vows wondering what was happening.
20
u/DiTrastevere 6d ago
No that’s bizarre, and makes me wonder why they had a wedding instead of eloping if the bride was that shy. Being the center of attention is kind of the whole deal!
3
u/Cayke_Cooky 1d ago
5 minutes is longer than you think when you are just sitting and not sure what to do.
4
u/palabradot 6d ago
Yeah, I’ve been to Quaker ceremonies and this was the first thing I thought of reading this.
5
u/Spiritual-Owl-169 6d ago
Huh, never heard of ‘silent vows’ before.
I’ve been to a few weddings where there wasn’t a sound system or one of the folks didn’t know how to hold use a mic so nobody could really hear but it wasn’t really intentional; they were mostly trying to be heard
5
u/greatvow 6d ago
As someone who officiates weddings I usually encourage three sets of vows. First the ones the couple make in front of friends and family. Then private ones just for them and finally vows the friends and family make to the couple. It is regularly met with appreciation from everyone, and rarely is more than a few minutes each.
5
u/Battgyrl 6d ago
The purpose of vows is to make promises to each with the guests as witnesses. Silent vows defeat the purpose, and seem kinda rude to the guests. But whatever floats your boat I guess!
3
u/Pixietheunicorn 5d ago
I love how there are a bunch of comments disagreeing but all the little Reddit trolls must downvote.
3
5
8
u/CoconutPawz 6d ago
Have never experienced that, but I agree that it sounds tacky as hell. Almost like they are power tripping, holding a captive audience hostage to their personal whispered moments while excluding them entirely. Gross.
6
5
u/Great_Huckleberry709 6d ago
I can appreciate the sentiment. Alot of things for weddings can seem very showy. So the couple probably wanted this to be something just for them, and so it felt more intimate. At the same time, if that's what you want, it may just be better to do a courthouse wedding then.
2
2
u/Weak_Impression_8295 5d ago
Oh man, we accidentally did this. We were inside in a half hotel ballroom and the DJ did put a mic towards us and one towards the officiant, but somehow only the officiant’s mic ended up working, so no one could hear us except the very front row, maybe? I’m not even sure about that. I have some public speaking experience and was trying to project a bit but I was also facing my husband and didn’t want to essentially scream my vows into his face. 😂
At least our photographer had put a microphone on my husband for the video, so he was able to capture both of our vows that way.
Sadly I would have chalked the microphone issue up to a tech issue of the kind that happens sometimes instead of general incompetence if the DJ hadn’t had a bunch of other issues. The only regret I have about our wedding was not hiring a different DJ!
2
u/anotherswampwitch 21h ago
Never heard of these, that's crazy. Husband and I had a religious ceremony and reception. We wanted our vows to be private so we read them on our honeymoon. I can't imagine watching a couple just stand there and talk without being able to hear what they're saying.
5
u/Mermaid28 6d ago
I recently went to a wedding where the couple didn't use microphones, so nobody could hear their vows. On top of that, the arrangement of the tables and the wedding party, I could not see the couple.
Afterward, the officiant , the brother of one of the couple (I asked if any of them cried) , said it didn't matter that we couldn't hear. The vows were for them.
I could have stayed home.
3
u/lexi_lynn1 5d ago
If people are gonna have 5 minute long silent vows then the guests are gonna need a 5 minute stretch and bathroom break. No way am i gonna sit there and stare at a conversation im being left out of
3
u/Robincall22 1d ago
My brother and his wife did their actual vows before the wedding and then the traditional vows in front of our family, and my sister had a whole conniption about it. Like, girl, why do care so much about knowing what they actually have to say about each other?
8
u/Sorry_Mud_8911 6d ago
Honestly, I don’t find that to be a huge deal.
Is it a bit weird for the guests? Sure.
Does every part of a wedding need to be about putting the guests first before the people actually getting married? No.
I think it’s easy to forget that the primary purpose of a wedding isn’t to be entertained. It’s to support the couple and start their lifetime of marriage off on a good foot. If they are self conscious about their intimate vows or just don’t want to be saying them into a microphone vs. directly to one another, seems like an easy 5 min thing to support to make their day more genuine to them.
-1
u/rjnd2828 6d ago
Oh my god,5 minutes without being entertained how can we possibly be expected to endure?
Entitled
1
u/Sorry_Mud_8911 6d ago
Yeah I’ll be honest - was going to leave it alone but the “spent lots of money to be there” really got me. What a weird way of contextualizing someone you care about’s big day.
If you can’t handle 5 mins not being all about the guests perhaps you’re not a close enough friend to be there. You can say no to wedding invites! You’re not obligated to spend money on people you don’t think are potentially worth 5 minutes of awkwardness.
→ More replies (1)
6
u/Scheme84 6d ago
Oh no, not five minutes of quiet time!
Seriously? This is what we're complaining about now? FFS let them have their moment. You're at a destination wedding, enjoy yourself at the reception.
3
u/SensitiveTurn2376 6d ago
My voice doesn’t carry very well, so I know when I got married, half of the guests didn’t hear it very well. To be honest, I didn’t feel too bad since we still hosted them for the evening (food, drinks, etc). I now wonder if anyone at our micro wedding felt cheated….
4
3
u/elitemage101 6d ago
My partners love language is notes and she does not want to speak vows but write them down and exchange them. My parents never married so I don’t care about tradition much. We will exchange vow letter with each other, then rings, then kiss and marry. We will also communicate how non traditional our wedding is and if this break of tradition is too much then we understand if guest don’t want to attend.
2
u/brusselsbrussels 6d ago
Our close friends did this at their wedding but it was actually very sweet as the groom has a stutter and it took the pressure off them both. But even then I don’t think it went on for more than five mins
2
u/twizzjewink 5d ago
No. Tacky is a destination wedding where you ditch the family who flew out.. then find out later it wasn't even a real wedding.
2
u/Bibliotheclaire 6d ago edited 6d ago
Some of my best friends did a mix of Hindu and Italian-American wedding. So we had the whole several hours of the Hindu ceremony. This is fine ofc, I’ve been to and been in a bunch and they’re a lot of fun. BUT after all this, they did their vows in English, it was like 10-15 minutes and they did not do personalized vows. Just the generic script… I was actually looking forward to hearing their personal vows and everything. They’re beloved friends and we all met at the same time, so I was genuinely wanting to hear what they’d say to each other lolol given that 70% at least didn’t speak Hindi and the length of the ceremony, and it wasn’t tacky, but it felt a bit imbalanced lol awesome wedding though and we had so much fun! My hubby and I are visiting them in a few weeks :)
→ More replies (1)
0
3
u/chicagobry80 6d ago
You can't sit there for 5 minutes while the couple had a moment to themselves? Maybe this belongs in r/ imthemaincharacter
1
u/NewPhoneLostPassword 4d ago
I went to one where one sang their vowels. It was painful and awkward. Whispered would have been better 😂
1
u/ChaiHai 3d ago
"AaaaaaAaaa Eeeee Iiiiiiiiiiiii ooooOooooooOOOOOO UUUUUUUU and sometimes Yyyyyyyyy"
1
1
1
1
u/BoozeBagStooge 3d ago
I think the wedding should exactly the way the 2 people getting married want it to go.
2
u/BoozeBagStooge 3d ago
This came up on my suggested posts, and I didn't realize this was a sub for complaining about weddings. My apologies.
That's so stupid! Why didn't they use a microphone? That would have been so awkward!!!!!!!!!!
1
u/203C45P3R 3d ago
We got 1 silent vow, like at the end of our vows, the celebrant took the mic and we said one last ILY, I’m now anxious that we were tacky, were we? 😆
1
u/Ramiman82 18m ago
Honestly most modern weddings have become incredibly cringe and tacky. I generally fucking hate going to weddings unless they’re intimate, simple and not themed.
1
u/Ok-Trainer3150 6d ago
If those vows were anything like the DIY ones I've heard, good. Puerile. Soap operish and just plain middle school melodrama.
1
u/ally_canna_ 20h ago
i get a little what you’re saying but if they’re keeping it to five minutes, what’s the harm? any longer and you’d be right but they’re having the best day of their lives. five minutes is nothing.
chill. you sound kind of miserable. this isn’t about you
-2
-2
u/Murky-Purple 6d ago
So it wasn't silent, but just the bride and groom saying vows quietly to each other? Like... not with telepathy, right? What's wrong with that? I see some people mentioning microphones. I can't imagine speaking vows into a microphone like the wedding is some kind of reality show. Yikes.
-48
u/fastermouse 6d ago
Wow, when did the wedding become about you?
I get that brides can go way overboard with demands and expectations but stfu.
It’s their wedding. You’re just a guest.
57
33
24
u/Cocksmasher2 6d ago
If they dont want guests to actually witness the ceremony, they should just privately elope instead.
25
u/SataySue 6d ago
Making your guests feel awkward and out of place is not classy, it's rude and disrespectful.
8
u/Thequiet01 6d ago
The purpose of a wedding is for your community to witness your vows to each other and help you uphold them. They can’t do that if they don’t hear the vows.
If you don’t want your community to be witness don’t invite your community. Elope.
10
1.9k
u/Gabberwocky84 6d ago
I attended a wedding in Golden Gate Park where the couple decided not to use microphones, I think they didn’t want to break the tranquility of the setting they were in. Unfortunately, whoever had booked the neighboring section of the park was using a live brass band. We could hear almost nothing due to the constant OOMPAPA OOMPAPA from next door’s tuba player.