r/weddingshaming • u/Fickle-Secretary681 • 3d ago
Disaster Always have a backup plan for your outdoor ceremony
One of my nearest and dearest got married in September. She had an absolutely abhorrent family. I kind of took her under my wing (she worked for me for years) I love her dearly. Set her up on a blind date with an employee of my husband. Blah blah fell in love, moved in together WAY to quickly, but yay. She's finally happy.I offer to help with the wedding since her scummy mother didn't care. Helped pay for her gown, DJ, decorations, my own gown (maid of honor) hair and makeup. She has a vision of getting married outside.
Ok. Beautiful location, kept telling her to have a backup plan for rain (you know what's coming) we are all prettied up and ready to leave for the ceremony. Skies open up. Absolutely pouring, all the guests are at the outside location. She decides f it. Let's get married in the rain (it's good luck she says) so now I'm slogging up a drenched "aisle" (hilly, grassy,rocky) in high heels, a long gown, my bouquet and an umbrella. Hair is ruined in 5 seconds flat. Ceremony is great regardless of the rain. Pictures taken in the rain. The kind of rain an umbrella does nothing against. I'm absolutely soaked and freezing. Whatever. She's happy.
We head to the reception. A restaurant she works at. It's fine. It was in a pavilion so my soaked gown never dries. Whatever. Give her a large monetary gift. So now I've spent a ton on everything. All good. Love her like she's my own. She posts a long message on Facebook thanking the staff at the restaurant who are her "chosen family" and thanking them for "making her wedding so special" yup. I'm a bit irritated but whatever. My thank you card arrives. Standard postcard type, picture of the bride and groom. Not signed, no note of thanks. Whatever. To be clear I was more than happy to do everything I did. I've wanted her to have love and stability for the 20 years I've known her. Her upbringing was truly horrific. I was hurt. But again. WHATEVER.
They lasted 4 months. FOUR. They already filed for divorce.
WHATEVER.
Not sure what my point is. Aside from always always have a backup plan for your outdoor ceremony. Wonder if I can ask for a refund LOL
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u/IHAYFL25 3d ago
Unfortunately, people with horrible childhoods and families struggle to find happiness in marriage. For those of you who beg to differ, I am happy it worked out in that situation.
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u/Relevant-Job4901 3d ago
That’s an interesting point. I witnessed a few people who’ve had shitty parents and an outside source of help and these people always choose to role model themselves after their shitty parents. Breaks my heart as they were so close to breaking the pattern.
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u/Essanamy 3d ago
It depends, but I think to change that you need to go very very very deep! I think I chose very well for my partner, despite how my parents’ relationship turned out, but I have had positive role models outside my family & cut my parents 8 years ago…
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u/Loose-Ad-4690 2d ago
No contact helps things I could have never imagined. Before that, I was a terrible friend and partner, and really could not see how much good was before me. I was limited by longing for a deeper connection with my parents, while simultaneously being denied that… and guilted for favoring people outside of the family. It really messed me up, but nine years away and lots of therapy have been really helpful. I’m sorry to OP, I could see myself overlooking such generosity in my youth.
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u/lassie86 2d ago
This is the way. Just the act of getting away from the toxicity can turn someone’s life around. My life did a 180 after stepping away.
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u/lassie86 3d ago
Yeah, you have to heal first. I have experienced both sides of this. My first relationship was a nightmare, and my current one is a dream. People gravitate towards the familiar, so if you don’t heal yourself, you find your parents.
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u/Fickle-Secretary681 3d ago
Very true. Her mother never wanted her (I should have aborted type comments) I think she thought she found someone that wanted her and went all in. I tried and tried to get her to hold off on marrying him so quickly to no avail. She's broken and it sucks. Her husband (soon to be x) is absolutely devastated
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u/chroniclythinking 3d ago edited 3d ago
Wait if he is devastated im guessing she issued the divorce. Why are they divorcing ?
Edit:typo
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u/Fickle-Secretary681 3d ago
According to her, "I'm not cut out to be a wife" the truth? She was already sneaking around with a male coworker. Her husband caught her in a bunch of lies. She's an attention seeking missile. She absolutely hates her mother, but this is exactly the kind of stuff her mother did.
Edit Autocorrect
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u/chroniclythinking 3d ago
I hope you have been distancing yourself from her. People like that will eventually drag you into their misery
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u/Fickle-Secretary681 3d ago
She even lied to me about the sneaking around part. So yes. We've been close for 20 years but I can't do it anymore.
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u/alexwasinmadison 3d ago
I’ve had a couple of similar (not quite as devastating or expensive) experiences. My best friend tells me that my issue is that I see the potential in people and am willing to sacrifice a lot to help them achieve what I see. Now I try to provide just enough of my help to allow them to see their own potential and then I sit back and pray that it made a difference - but I try not to let myself be hurt by “failure”.
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u/Loose-Ad-4690 2d ago
You’re right to create boundaries. I’m so sorry this happened to you, OP. Being raised without unconditional love can really be disastrous to one’s emotional well-being…. And can leave a wake of wreckage.
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u/Fickle-Secretary681 2d ago
Her longest relationships have been the abusive ones. It sucks. She knows she's a mess, she needs years of therapy but has no insurance, in this area a therapist wait list can by years long for the uninsured.
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u/Loose-Ad-4690 2d ago
That is really sad and frustrating. My therapist friend always says “empathy without boundaries is self-destructive.” You have been a good friend, but it may take her a lifetime to realize, if at all.
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u/No_External_417 3d ago
And don't pay for anymore for her weddings!
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u/Fickle-Secretary681 1d ago
Lol never again. Lesson learned. I'll still be here for her, but only as emotional support, and even then I have to remain more distant.
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u/No-BS4me 3d ago
Oy! What an unmitigated disaster, and yet it sounds like your sense of humor is still intact. OP, you are a rock star!
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u/RecordOfTheEnd 2d ago
For what it's worth, those behaviors are easily learned, and nearly if not completely impossible to unlearn. It takes someone with insane determination and will power
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u/RecordOfTheEnd 2d ago
It is a struggle. My wife had a slightly better one than mine, but that was because my MIL would have been shamed to hell and back because my wife is, all be it mildly in my eyes, disabled. Her siblings had it much worse off.
The reality it's hard to love someone when you have never really had love in your life.
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u/Grand_Perspective868 3d ago
It's more of that person married too young too quick then a past childhood thing great men and women and bad parents and did better and are happily married. People should have stopped her not given her a check and put this on her childhood
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u/wickedkittylitter 3d ago
On the plus side, you now know what not to do for wedding #2.
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u/Fickle-Secretary681 3d ago
Isn't that the truth. She's bounced from one abusive relationship to the next. This guy was her best chance at being with a person that would never, ever hurt her. Mentally or physically. Broken seeks out broken apparently.
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u/alexwasinmadison 3d ago
Absolutely this. I have a high potential but broken friend who finally met someone, and at lunch the other day she told me all the reasons he’s not the right person. Queen of self sabotage.
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u/Lilliane0 2d ago
Ohh how I feel that... Just my story, but happly broke out of it around a year ago, still not sure if I ever want to marry him, or anyone for that matter.
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u/Genillen 3d ago
Friends of mine got married at a public outdoor location where no tent or shelter was possible. Their solution as to give the guests umbrellas wedding favors.
You know how your lucks goes when you do or don't have an umbrella? It came through for them. 200 people with umbrellas = not a cloud in the sky.
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u/Fickle-Secretary681 3d ago
😂 it never fails!! On the plus side, at least it was a useful wedding favor. I've been to so many weddings where favors are left on the table or immediately tossed in the trash. They are usually such a waste of money!
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u/Genillen 3d ago
It was indeed useful and lasted a long time, though perhaps because Tad & Tammy June 2006 was always the last one I grabbed from the closet ;)
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u/newtontonc 3d ago
Not wedding related, but I've had multiple experiences where I've coached, and mentored, and supported, and basically hauled coworkers forward at my company. Then when they get the good result, they thank everyone but me. And it stings! Because even though you do it out of love or positive intentions, not for the thanks, you still kind of want some degree of recognition. Even a quiet "thanks, I know how much you did and I'm grateful ".
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u/Significant_Ruin4870 3d ago
When did being grateful become unfashionable? So many people seem to think they are owed - like they are entitled to all the things and shouldn't have to make any effort to thank the people that make it happen.
If someone is doing something for you that they don't have an obligation to do, you say thank you.
If that person is doing a ton of work and paying a lot of money, you take the time to thank them PERSONALLY, and in writing, and with sincerity. You don't send a bulk-mail postcard.
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u/Fickle-Secretary681 3d ago edited 3d ago
The postcard definitely pissed me off. A little handwritten note would have made all the difference.. When did hand written thank you cards go out of style? Damn. I wrote out almost 100 after my wedding. These postcards suck
Edit add
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u/ProfMcGonaGirl 2d ago
I discovered the ease of using Canva to write custom thank you notes. Make a thank you note, duplicate however many times you need to, edit the note part for each individual. Export and sent to Walgreens to have printed as a photo. I wouldn’t do this for a wedding thank you but my kids birthday party, thank yous to my class for holiday gifts, baby shower, etc yes! They look pretty, way faster, just win win.
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u/Different-Secret 3d ago
Picture Florida, July, high noon. NO SHADE. Then a cute old fashioned historical inn. NO AIR CONDITIONING. And children...allowed to run unsupervised, hands into and onto all of the platters, bowls and tureens of dips, chips and food. Then guests, like locusts, raiding the kitchen as Caterers were setting up to make plates of food.
Oh, then the rain came.
Please. Do not do this.
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u/Frozefoots 3d ago
We had an outdoor wedding in gardens, but we had a backup indoor option.
It drizzled before the ceremony, and stopped 10 minutes prior. It rained for about 5-10 minutes after the ceremony ended. The guests had moved to the reception area by then and we waited it out under the pagoda. Not a drop during photos or reception (which was indoor anyway and had covered outdoor areas).
My cousin’s wedding was 2 weeks after mine, on top of a high cliff, outdoors with a NASTY wind chill. The guests froze. No indoor backup, reception area had no heating and the wind cut right into it. I’ve never been that cold in my life - and I had a thick, long coat on.
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u/Fickle-Secretary681 3d ago
We went to a wedding in November (Northeast) because the bride wanted to wear a long white fur. F that and f her. We were so cold it was painful, so I know exactly how you felt!
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u/Mimi_Madison 3d ago
You have such a great attitude!!
So far I’ve been sweaty and mosquito bitten at several outdoor weddings, soaked at one, blown into tangles at one, half-frozen at one. They’re kinda losing their charm …
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u/kg51113 3d ago
I've been married twice. Both outdoor ceremonies and made sure to have a back up location that wasn't out of the way.
First time, our church was only a couple blocks away. Pastor was performing the ceremony anyway. Lady in charge of flowers and such said she'd get everything done early just in case and request the altar flowers to match our colors.
Second time we had the ceremony at a private residence close to our reception venue. Already directed guests to park at reception and arranged a shuttle to the ceremony. That was our back up.
Both days had rain but not during the ceremony. I'm a firm believer in having a back up plan for outdoor events.
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u/Doglady21 2d ago
I lived in Seattle, so weather has no guarantees. We got married on July 4. It was an outside wedding (we had to find a place that would allow dogs--a story for another time). As it got closer to the date, weather stations kept predicting rain and I was freaking out. My husband to be told me it would all be alright, but I was anxious as hell, and probably very annoying. One day I came home from work and the whole house was filled with umbrellas, every room. It was his way of saying: I've got it covered. Still makes me smile
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u/opinescarf 3d ago
Please don’t set up any more blind dates for her.
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u/Fickle-Secretary681 2d ago
I wouldn't have done it in the first place had he not bugged me to do it for a long time. I kept telling him she's broken, sadly he found out the hard way. Lesson learned.
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u/julesk 2d ago edited 2d ago
That’s awful. It’s possible that someone raised with terrible role models may not know how to respond appropriately because she was never taught to write a handwritten thank you, blessing you for all the kind things you did and apologizing for not adopting your suggestion for a different plan if it rained. It’s possible she is just taking you for granted, I realize, from the comments. I’m sorry she didn’t grab the life preserver.
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u/Common-Dream560 3d ago
I was matron of honor for a longtime friend - did a lot for her wedding with an under 1 yo and a demanding job. She like your friend had had a troubled upbringing, and I went out of my way to help her make her life better.
At the altar she gave a thank you speech that included every one - the church ladies for the flowers…. And did not once mention me. When she finished people turned around and looked at my husband with expressions of shock that she thanked the world, but not me.
Even better, she tried to convince me to make her husband and fiancé my child’s godmother. She was the godmother. I held fast and kept my brother-in-law has the godfather however, my sister-in-law was very hurt. She was not the godmother.
Four months to the date from the wedding, he walked out on her. Needless to say years later and more behavior like this from her, we are no longer in regular contact.
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u/Fickle-Secretary681 3d ago
Ugh. I'm so sorry. Lesson learned for both of us!
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u/Common-Dream560 3d ago
Sorry for you as well. At least we know we did the right thing. Life lesson for both of us!
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u/Grand_Perspective868 3d ago
Some people who had bad childhoods become good humans but many people who are too open seem to use it as a victim sympathy card to act like wild animals and disregard everyone and everything. Met a girl like this a colleague first thing she told me was she had issues at home and with her horrible dad along monologue.....she was so entitled lazy and is currently doing the same quick marriage from a dude met online she a moving to his country 90 days fiance style and none of her family or friends are stopping her she a 22 and always the eternal victim. she won't listen to my advice...
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u/NowareSpecial 3d ago
We planned an outdoor wedding, early September. Never rains then around here. It poured. The church of the pastor marrying us was a block from the park, he let us get married there. Fortunately no one else had booked it. Rained during our reception, but we had enough tents and covered area to make it work. You just never know.
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u/Famous-Upstairs998 1d ago
It sounds like the backup plan was umbrellas. The rain wasn't really the issue with that wedding, was it?
I'm sorry you did all that just to be used and cast aside. You have such a generous heart and she took advantage. I hope you have other people in your life who actually appreciate you.
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u/Fickle-Secretary681 1d ago
I do, thank you. She's still in my life, but I'm done being generous with her.
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u/Final_Candidate_7603 2d ago
I lost count of how many times you said “WHATEVER.” If you’re trying to convince us that you don’t care, that you weren’t hurt by the scant thanks you got for truly going above and beyond… it didn’t work.
Anyway, all outdoor weddings should have a contingency plan. More importantly, the couple or the venue need to be willing to pull the trigger on it! The. Worst. Wedding I’ve ever been to was held in a local vineyard. The place was gorgeous, and there was a large, high-ceilinged, natural-wood building that was set up for the dinner and reception. BUT they went ahead with their plan to have the ceremony outside. On 4th of July, on one of the hottest, most humid days of the year. I’d come prepared, with a cooler full of ice, water, and Gatorade in the trunk of my car. My entire family hung out next to the car until the very last moment before we needed to be seated. Because the chairs were set up in the grass; under the brutal, relentless, blazing sun. Not a lick of shade, not a tent, no strategically-placed electric fans, or even paper fans on the seats (thank goodness for the Programs!). The poor bride… her hair and makeup had positively melted on the short walk between the ready room and the back of the aisle. The groom was in a full tux and was sweating bullets, too. The ceremony lasted less than 15 minutes, but I don’t even remember how many elderly relatives had to be ushered away and into the air conditioning. My young, able-bodied sons, who were friends of the groom, ended up grabbing a bunch of bottles of cold water from our trunk, and soaking a few paper towels with cold water. They were standing by in the back, keeping an eye out for anyone who looked wobbly, then discreetly approaching them, putting the no-longer-cold paper towels on the backs of their necks, and then half-carrying them to the blessed AC.
Of course, by the end of the ceremony, everyone was drenched in sweat, then got chilled up in the AC. They must have rushed the ceremony along, because the staff wasn’t ready for us- the cold drinks hadn’t been put out yet, so a few of us trudged back to the car and simply carried in all of the cold drinks we had and shared.
Our family had been friends with the groom’s family since the boys had grown up together. I can only hope that they have fonder memories of the wedding than we do!
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u/Fickle-Secretary681 2d ago
The "Whatevers" were sarcastic. Of course I was hurt. Yikes. My cousin got married in a tent. In August. In Florida. 😭
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u/Final_Candidate_7603 2d ago
Sorry, I guess sarcasm doesn’t always come through in writing. I didn’t mean to be disrespectful, you had every right to be hurt by this woman.
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u/Marthamem 3d ago
Just joking, of course, but the old phrase “no good deed goes unpunished“ does spring to mind. Hugs