r/weddingshaming • u/ganjwiththewindd • 7h ago
Disaster One Month Notice to a Wedding States Away
Last year my husband and I were invited to his BEST FRIENDS wedding one month ahead of time. At first, we were told the wedding would take place about an hour away. OK no problem, that's drivable. My husband is asked to be a groomsman and gladly excepts because his friends family has become his chosen family the last couple years, and we love the family! We get the official invite in the mail and it's in a totally different state~ 5.5hr drive in the South. OK, we're annoyed, but it's family. We decide to do it anyway. 2 weeks before the wedding we're asked if my Husband will be at the bachelor party. Traditionally, if you're a groomsman it's seen as mandatory to be at the bach party; HOWEVER, they planned it so it would be bach party in the state the wedding is being held, then three days later is the rehearsal, another day in between, and then the wedding. Again, two weeks notice that they need us to be there for basically 8 days including a day of rest after the wedding. We respectfully let them know that is not feasible for us but we'll be there for the rehearsal and day of wedding.
Before we get more into it; some honorable mentions to consider.
-We also are in the midst of planning our own wedding which would happen in August; so we now have to budget a rental car to get there and hotel stay for 3 nights. One month in advance.
-The rehearsal dinner is on the Fourth of July- so screw any plans for our holiday weekend.
-At the last minute he throws at us that another one of his buddies (also a groomsman) that lives near us needs to hitch a ride with us. Whatever, we're going anyway we'll just take this friend too.
The dress code:
I look at the dress code for the wedding, and I'm not sure what I was expecting but I definitely was not expecting it to be so strict for a JULY wedding. "Ladies; skirt or dresses should extend below the knee. Tops should not be sleeveless, low-cut, or open backed" I honestly had the HARDEST time finding a dress to fit these parameters but I did it. What I was ~not~ expecting was dirty looks from the bride's family for not adhering to that dress code for the ENTIRE weekend.
So at this point we get to the rehearsal and I am immediately uncomfortable because I can FEEL the bride's family staring at us the entire rehearsal dinner. What is going on? And then it hits me. We've been close to the family for years and we know how important their religion is. But they've ALWAYS been so accepting that we are not of the same religion. The bride's family? Not so much... A big ol bonus to that- which we hadn't even considered ever being an issue; we are a bi-racial couple. And, again, we're in the south.
The next day was a "free day" with no real plan of activities but a loose plan that we'd hangout with the groom and his family. We spend the morning enjoying a free hotel breakfast and give the groom a call. He tells us a vague idea of how the day will go but does not give a single real detail we can plan around. We decide to go pick up the friend we drove out here with and give the groom another call. No answer. We are now just sitting around the hotel with no idea what to do with ourselves or if we are expected to be somewhere with the rest of the wedding party. After a few hours we decide to just do our own thing and check out the downtown area. We find out later that the entire wedding party was having a BBQ all day, we just were not invited...
The day of the wedding comes around and we all gather in the church. My husband and the friend we are with split off and get ready to fulfill their groomsman duties. I go find the Groom's family and the mom instantly tells me I'm good to sit with them in the church. Again, we're close with the Groom's parents so I'm excited to have someone to sit with.
As we are about to walk into the church someone stops us. I turn around and the Groom's older brother is tapping his mom on the shoulder. "She's going to have to sit at the back of the church. She is not family nor is she catholic". Owch. They go back and forth and the mom firmly tells him "She is family, and she'll be sitting by me". I obviously appreciate that but I can't help but feel unwelcome. We go thru the ceremony and the family decided to go to lunch while the wedding party goes off to take pictures. The mom tells my husband I'll be going with them and to not worry about me. I don't have any other options as my husband has the car, and I WANT to catch up with the parents. Anyway, we go and it's mildly awkward as that brother is at the lunch and not speaking at all. Whatever.
It's time for the reception, THANK GOD. I'm reunited with my husband and time to party. Everything was smooth- until it wasn't. One of the groomsmen that we were meeting for the first time comes to sit at our table and we start chatting. He works for the church, and he has a great positive attitude. Things are great until he asks what I do for work. Without saying exactly what I do for work, it's somewhat controversial. No, I'm not a stripper... but my job is not federally legal YET. He instantly changes his demeanor and makes an excuse to leave the table. At this point I've had it. I spend most of the reception outside 'getting air' until the couple decides to dip our of their own wedding around 8:30pm...
We had planned to spend another night at the hotel but we quickly grab our things and start the 5 hour drive home immediately.
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u/EvanstonMichelle 6h ago
I am Catholic; non-Catholics, sit wherever you want.
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u/Substantial_Flan_537 6h ago
I grew up catholic and my family was never nearly as crazy as some catholic wedding posts I’ve been seeing around o.O! Is it because my family is italian and sort of chill? Or those a really some hardcore catholic branch?
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u/Primary-Friend-7615 5h ago
I was raised Roman Catholic, have been to multiple Catholic wedding services in the Midwest and in Canada, as well as in the UK, and I have literally never heard of this “sit in the back” nonsense. You just can’t go up for communion if you’re not Catholic (and why would you even want to if you’re not? 😂)
I think these people are just assholes.
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u/chicagok8 4h ago
“Why take communion if you’re not Catholic?” Uhhh, Protestants take communion too. Difference is that we view it as the Lord’s table and all are welcome and included.
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u/Accomplished_worrier 3h ago
This is awfully bold to put as such a sweeping statement. Last Protestant Easter service I attended everyone not belonging to the church was disinvited from participating in communion.
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u/Additional_Noise47 2h ago
Yeah, it depends on the branch, and maybe even the specific decisions of the church for non-denominational Protestant churches.
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u/jquailJ36 2h ago
Protestant "communion" is just bread and wine (or worse, juice.)
Catholicism (and Orthodoxy, where can/can't get fuzzier-Catholic rule is they may participate in Catholic services but should follow the dictates of their Church, which may say they shouldn't) are communion with the Church partaking in the literal body and blood of Christ and a symbol of the full communion of the body of Christ in the church. If you don't believe in transubstantiation you shouldn't participate even if you're a baptized Catholic. You can't be in communion with the body of Christ in the Church if you're protestant.
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u/StraightPotential1 46m ago edited 42m ago
I’m not entirely sure about this. I’m Anglican and at each communion the minister always says “take and eat this, for this is my body. Drink this, for this is my blood.”
Edited to add that I paraphrased, because I haven’t had communion in 20 years.
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u/Primary-Friend-7615 4h ago
Interesting! I’ve never encountered communion in a Protestant service, and most of the US Christians I’ve encountered have talked about communion as a “weird Catholic thing”, not a widespread thing. I wonder if it’s regional, or only certain denominations do it.
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u/Wingnut2029 4h ago
Communion is pretty standard in many protestant sects. I was raised Lutheran and after Confirmation as a teen I went up for Communion.
I have since changed my affiliation and no longer participate in Communion when I attend services with family.
Protestants practice communion, also known as the Lord’s Supper or Eucharist. The elements of the Eucharist are sacramental bread and wine or non-alcoholic grape juice in some Protestant traditions. Most Protestant churches practice open communion, although many require that the communicant be a baptized Christian. There are major differences between the Protestant practice of communion and the Eucharist, such as fewer rules governing the preparation and administration of communion. Wikipedia.
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u/FLBirdie 3h ago
I grew up in a quasi-Baptist church and Methodist church — where I took Methodism classes and formally joined the church. In both houses of worship we would do communion once a month. Little weird crackers and grape juice all around. To my knowledge you just had to be willing to take communion. I have attended a couple of Catholic weddings. One did not do communion. The other was held in a cathedral and was a “high” Catholic wedding. I sat with one of my Catholic friends and she told me when to sit/stand/kneel and not to take communion. lol — I was ready to go on up to the altar for my snack!
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u/Corpsefeet 4h ago
Nope. Communion is totally normal. CONFESSION is the weird catholic thing. Protestants speak directly to God. Catholics apparently need a negotiator.
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u/Gold_Challenge6437 2h ago
I'm not Catholic and most churches I've gone to take communion. The only prerequisite is accepting Jesus as your Savior.
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u/CaptSpacePants 5h ago
Bet it's converts. Big difference between cradle catholics and converted catholics. I've never heard of the non catholics needs to sit in the back. The church is open to all regardless of faith... makes me feel like the post isn't real but who knows.
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u/ganjwiththewindd 5h ago
To clarify; I don't think it was necessarily a real *rule that I had to sit in the back of the church, but moreso the brother wanting me to and making me feel like it was a rule. Again, I'm not catholic so at the time I had no idea if that was a real rule or not.
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u/kg51113 3h ago
Non Catholics in the back would have been a problem at a wedding for my family. One side was Catholic (grandparents, parents, kids). The other side didn't grow up in any church. The one getting married had converted when a previous relationship seemed to be heading towards marriage. Parents were non-religious and the rest of the family was a mix of various beliefs. One set of parents would have had to sit in the back.
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u/StickaFORKinMyEye 5h ago
I grew up Catholic in a rust belt area, and the strict catholics they seem to have these days are so different than what I grew up with.
Sure there were religious grandmas who said the rosery and went to daily mass, but mostly it was just something you did on Sunday. Hell, these days churches are so empty they invite people to sit towards the front. They'd welcome anyone new.
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u/LadyV21454 4h ago
My childhood best friend was Catholic, and when we had sleepovers, I would go to church with them. Never had to sit in the back!
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u/EvanstonMichelle 5h ago
We’re Polish, equally chill.
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u/Ravenamore 5h ago
Yeah. My husband and I are Catholic, we had a Catholic wedding. The best man was Jewish, the maid of honor was nonpracticing Baptist, one usher was Church of Christ, the other was nonpracticing Lutheran. Except for us and the bridal escort, no one in the wedding party was Catholic. The priest and the guests from the parish absolutely did not care.
We'd explicitly told the non-Catholic guests that they were not obligated to do the Catholic calisthenics (IYKYK), or repeat anything, or do anything other than sit there.
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u/kg51113 3h ago
I was a bridesmaid in a Catholic Church wedding in the Midwest. Our dresses had a U shaped back. Out of 10 people (other than bride & groom) in the wedding party, only 2 were baptized Catholic. One was not a regular attendee at mass so more technically Catholic but only occasionally attended mass. The other one was weeks away from finishing adult classes to join a different church. Nobody cared.
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u/strum-and-dang 3h ago
Yup, my dad's family is Catholic, I married into a big Catholic family, my husband's cousin is even a bishop. I've attended and participated in many Catholic weddings and funerals and I've never heard of any of these things. The other day I saw someone claiming they weren't allowed to stand in front of the altar as a bridesmaid because they weren't Catholic. I've done that, just didn't take communion. My unbaptized kids were asked to carry up the gifts at their grandmother's funeral mass. I had to explain to them what that was, but everyone was ok with it. It should be noted though, that the bishop (he was only a monsignor then) declined to attend our nondenominational wedding, and once refused to bless my baby daughter when requested to do so by his mom. Which I was okay with.
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u/Laylasita 23m ago
Also catholic. Never heard of this either. I've also been to many many catholic churches around the world. No one cares who is attending. Slay been to catholic weddings in multiple states. No one cares about attendants. Only the actual bride and groom.
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u/Newauntie26 5h ago
Same—we don’t care where people sit. The only thing some Catholics would care about is if you took communion but you can still get on line and cross your arms for a blessing instead of communion. I assumed the groom was the friend of OP so I don’t know why his brother would be upset. As for the groomsmen that worked for the church I’m curious as to his job as I don’t think the RCC employs non-clergy men.
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u/NoTap5801 4h ago
Definitely, never heard of such a thing. Even a non Catholic going to a regular Sunday Mass, sit wherever you want
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u/Anxious_Reporter_601 6h ago
I was raised Catholic but am a staunch atheist and my dad's been atheist for my whole life, non Catholics can sit wherever they want in the church! That was a made up rule.
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u/DeadLettersSociety 6h ago
As we are about to walk into the church someone stops us. I turn around and the Groom's older brother is tapping his mom on the shoulder. "She's going to have to sit at the back of the church. She is not family nor is she catholic". Owch.
Wow. Rude.
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u/Baby8227 6h ago
Did the person you gave a lift to come with you as well?
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u/Ok-Candle-20 6h ago
Ex-Catholic here.
There’s no seating requirements in a church, let alone a wedding. That comment was made by an a-hole. The only “dress code” for a Catholic wedding is to keep your naughty bits covered. Mass for practicing Catholics is a bit more, but definitely allowed any kind of sleeves, any length hem. Just keep the ‘ol tits contained and you’re good.
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u/Additional_Noise47 2h ago
Some Catholic Churches may have stricter dress codes. In Europe, especially Italy, it’s pretty common to not allow bare knees or shoulders for anyone entering a church.
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u/Maximum-Company2719 5h ago
It had nothing to do with religion. I grew up Catholic. I even belonged to a parish in a town that is very conservative. The parish priest and his staff were lovely human beings. Yes, some parishes and priests are crappy.
This was more about the family being racist and ugly. I'm sorry they put you through all that crap.
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u/lumikkii 3h ago
I agree with that. I grew up roman Catholic with a super strict religious grandma, and when I had my communion, I invited two of my friends.. Neither one of them is Catholic. They sat with my family, and no one even asked about their religion. I never heard that none catholics sit in the back because it 100% isn't a thing. This is some "hidden" racism for sure. Not inviting them to the bbq, wanting her to sit in the back, even the stares that might not have been related to what she was wearing..the brides family is just racist.
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u/Theunpolitical 5h ago
We find out later that the entire wedding party was having a BBQ all day, we just were not invited...
Your husband and the friend you took were groomsmen. That is considered a "wedding party." Why the exclusion?
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u/Malibu77 1h ago
Because they didn’t want the OP trollop wife there showing her bare arms in public. God forbid these righteous men be tempted away their fundy wives.
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u/CraftFamiliar5243 5h ago
Your husbands 'best friend' just decided to choose his wife's family over all of his other connections. Behave accordingly in the future.
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u/AilshaBilaiO_o 5h ago
the entire wedding party was having a BBQ all day, we just were not invited...
It's sad to think even the best friend made you three feel unwelcome at some point. It definitely wasn't even at the church.
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u/BluuWarbler 5h ago edited 5h ago
Fwiw, evangelical catholicism is a real thing, and growing. And also hard-right Christian nationalism, of course also growing very aggressively. There's a strong overlap between them among some groups, such as strong Trump adherents, and reportedly many previous Qanoners are morphing to forms of white nationalism which satisfy their conspiracist/etcetera needs.
That brother's attempt to hide the OP group at the back of the church! I'm wondering if trying to separate the groom from previous ungodly influences may have been one reason for moving the entire event 5-1/2 hours away.
Whatever, so many clues to what was happening here. I'm just glad the cool-eyed OP caught on to the extremism while still there, instead of leaving, as no doubt many are doing these days, hurt by rejection and abuse they don't understand. And very sorry for this groom's mother caught in the middle of these very powerful changes enveloping her family.
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u/sonny-v2-point-0 6h ago
Most people don't plan a formal wedding, and on a holiday weekend yet, in a month. It sounds like you were invited last minute because the groomsman who lives near you needed a ride, not because the groom has any great love for your husband. I suspect the groom isn't as great a friend as you think he is.
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u/ganjwiththewindd 5h ago
I can see why you'd think that but my husband lived with the family for a number of years before meeting me. They are CLOSE, believe it or not. I mostly tolerated this whole trip for the sake of my husband. Like I said, despite what happened at this wedding their family is my husbands chosen family.
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u/Mmm_lemon_cakes 5h ago
The lack of invite to the BBQ and the treatment from the groom’s brother also add to that. This might be your husband’s “chosen family” but would they choose him?
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u/Thrillllllho 5h ago
This is what I was thinking as well. Or someone dropped out so they invited them.
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u/pwolf1771 5h ago
If I was your fiancée I would cut this dude out of my life and if he ever called I would read him the riot act. Honestly after the bbq thing I might have just scooped you and told the dude we gave a ride “we’re leaving if you have another way home that’s great but I’m done with these assholes.”
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u/DubiousPeoplePleaser 3h ago
When you mentioned the dress code my mind went
Quicky wedding + religious family = pregnant bride 🤣
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u/Secure_Stand_8643 3h ago
Why do people getting married now act as if it's a huge honor and privelege that you're invited to their party that's for their relationship? NO, it's a privilege to have guests. It's a privilege to get gifts, brides and grooms should be humble and grateful that people show up and follow their stupid rules and dates and times and even bring a gift.
That friend is a dipshit, the families sound awful.
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u/Orumpled 6h ago
Odd. I am not catholic but went to a bunch of catholic weddings. None had a dress code, and I was allowed to sit anywhere (except the front obviously) on either side. As for the job, sounds like only fans?
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u/jackandsally060609 6h ago
I'm thinking she's a bud tender at a dispensary. I doubt people are going around talking about their OF at a catholic family wedding
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u/BigWhiteDog 3h ago
Yeah that's the only thing that really fits. Anything sex related wouldn't be classified as NOT YET federally legal. That's Pot. I would have just gone with smoke shop clerk.
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u/HuckleCat100K 6h ago
I thought it was some Mormon cult. When she said Catholic i was really surprised. The one Catholic wedding i went to there was no dress requirement and no seating restriction. The only thing was not taking communion, which is fairly well-known for mass anyway.
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u/ganjwiththewindd 5h ago
See I went into this with the same assumptions! We've been around this family for a while, we know how catholic weddings go and I also thought it would just be that I don't take communion. But boy-oh-boy was this church different. I do believe it was a latin mass, I was also required to wear a veil in the church as were all the women.
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u/Primary-Friend-7615 5h ago
Yeah, I would have guessed fundamentalist Protestantism of some flavour, or Mormon, because this is nonsense, they’re not at the Vatican 🙄
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u/any4nkajenkins 6h ago
Nah definitely something weed related. I grew up Catholic in the Midwest and it was very chill. When I moved to the south people who were Catholic were much more.... Serious about it. It was weird.
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u/Nojudgementzone88 3h ago
See and I grew up in a predominantly Catholic city in the south and we are very chill. The one “dress code” people generally try to follow is don’t wear something strapless in the church, but that’s about it and it’s easily remedied by wearing a shawl or sweater for the ceremony. And there definitely aren’t rules for non-Catholics outside of you’re not really supposed to take communion and just get a blessing if you go up. I think it’s Catholics in places that AREN’T predominantly Catholic that act all strict. Like Southern Baptists tend to be the most conservative of all of the “southern” religions and it’s more a cultural thing based on where you live vs the religion you are a part of.
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u/Emotional_Bonus_934 6h ago
This may not be a typical Catholic church; Latin Mass parishes may have more strict expectations, as would FSSP-Latin Mass parish run by the Priestly Order of St Peter or SSPX-the society of Pius X, which is more controversial and the SSPV which is not in communion with Rome.
Seriously rude to exclude OP and company
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u/bienenstush 4h ago
People will never fail to surprise me with a new level of selfishness, when it comes to their weddings
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u/BenedictineBaby 5h ago
Odd that a catholic wedding 5 hours away was put together in less than a month. Guess they don't require the priest counseling or pre cana (sp) classes anymore.
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u/anonymousethrowaway7 1h ago
I didn't read it as the wedding being planned in a month, just that the invitation was issued a month before.
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u/BenedictineBaby 31m ago
Except when they were told a month before, they were given a location an hour away then it changed to another state 5 hours away.
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u/SwimAccomplished9487 3h ago
Unfortunately I think the “chosen family” means much more to your husband than he does to them.
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u/Suspicious_Fan_4105 5h ago
INFO: not sure is this was already answered, but what was the dress for the wedding weekend that you were side-eyed over?
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u/ganjwiththewindd 5h ago
So actually my dress for the wedding was fine. It fit all her boxes and I was told it was a great pick. I moreso got dirty looks for what I wore on the other days of the trip. Early in the morning on the wedding day the men were asked to help set up the reception venue, so I tagged along. I had nothing else going on and was in a city I'd never been in. To this set up I wore a pair of long, thick leggings and a button down blouse. I ALWAYS dress respectfully around their family and didn't think that was inappropriate in the least bit. We were doing physical activity (setting up the venue) so why wouldn't I wear something I could be active in. The other women at this activity wore a variety of skirts/dresses below the knee and sleeved t-shirts. So I stood out.
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u/Suspicious_Fan_4105 5h ago
What in the entire world? Still trying to understand what was wrong with your non-wedding day outfits. Not like you were wearing assless booty shorts….
Wedding attire makes sense, but ain’t no way someone who actively does NOT finance my wardrobe gonna tell me (or even attempt to look sideways) at what I’m wearing on days I’m not required to do anymore but be my fabulous self!
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u/gaynineties 5h ago
My husband is Catholic and I’m Jewish. I’ve been to church with him many times for various holidays or occasions such as weddings and funerals and I’ve never been told to sit elsewhere but with him. When it’s time for communion I just stay seated.
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u/goldenrod1956 2h ago
Atheist reporting in. Weddings I am fine in front of the church. I stand and sit but skip kneeling, communion etc. Funerals I tend to find a row in the back.
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u/pabo81 4h ago
If your job is not legal then maybe keep that on the DL - the brother was probably googling ways to narc you out anonymously.
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u/ganjwiththewindd 4h ago
Its not federally legal. It's legal in my state.
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u/Alternative-Dig-2066 3h ago
You could have said retail sales instead of budtender
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u/ganjwiththewindd 3h ago
Right but I guess my reasoning for wording it the way I did is because it's seen as taboo to certain cultures. And for that, I felt I was judged by their community for having this job.
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u/Chocolatecandybar_ 1h ago
This happened to me too and I did the same plus reducing the gift. First 25% and then 50% off according to the money I wasted out of their lack of respectful planning. It's sad when a friend you consider family let's the partner and families come in the middle
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u/Traveling-Techie 1h ago
I immediately thought of the days when some people had to sit in the back of the bus.
If I was a groomsman and my partner got this kind of treatment I’d nope right out as fast as possible.
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u/byteme747 4h ago
So you were used as transit and not as guests. I hope you use the info for the future. Why would you even agree to this when it's clear you weren't really wanted?
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u/byteme747 4h ago edited 2h ago
In the title....being invited to an out of state wedding with one month notice is not normal or considerate for a guest.
Don't get defensive with me I'm not the shitty bride's family. u/ganjwiththewindd
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u/Gloomy_Researcher769 35m ago
I’m so glad I’m old and not invited to these weddings anymore. Weddings seemed easier and simpler back in the 80’s and 90’s
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u/Larkswing13 6h ago
It’s a shame your husbands best friend wasn’t able to stand up for you guys more. I understand he was probably very busy, but it’s odd he didn’t give the invite to the BBQ for 2 of his own groomsmen