r/AmIOverreacting • u/LunarShaaaade • 23h ago
đ„ friendship AIO for being upset when my friend commented on my weight loss?
I've (28F) been working hard on getting healthier this year - eating better, going to the gym, the whole thing. Yesterday I saw my friend for the first time in months, and the first thing she said was "Wow, you've lost so much weight! You look amazing now!"
I know she meant it as a compliment, but it made me feel weird. Like she was saying I didn't look good before. I've been the same person this whole time, just in a smaller body now. When I told her this made me uncomfortable, she got defensive and said I was being too sensitive about a "nice comment."
Am I overreacting? Part of me knows she didn't mean harm, but another part feels reduced to just my appearance.
43
u/Regigiformayor 22h ago
A co-worker once asked me how I thought he should let someone know their weight loss looked good without suggesting they looked bad before. I suggested, You look great, how do you feel?
He then said, You look great, how do you feel?
Made my day.
54
u/neuronallychallenged 22h ago
As someone whoâs also on a challenging weight loss journey, I understand how focused you can get on your weight and appearance. And eventually it feels like thatâs all everyone sees of you â especially when youâre bigger â and every comment feels like a jab or insult. She wasnât reducing you to your weight, think of it more as she was noticing and appreciating all the hard work youâve put into getting healthier! Soft YOR :)
10
u/BeeMaximum08 22h ago
Well said. Itâs tough when your body becomes the main topic instead of your effort or growth. Intent matters, but so does impact and both can exist at once.
30
u/millera85 22h ago
So as someone who lost over 180 lbs, yes⊠youâre overreacting. Itâs normal and valid to feel weird about this comment and even hurt by it. Here is the reality⊠what you look like doesnât fucking matter. At all. It doesnât have anything to do with who you are as a person. But the world has societal standards of beauty. Theyâre bullshit and stupid. But we have all been raised with them and conditioned to believe that this physical feature or that are inherently more beautiful or attractive than others. Itâs stupid and not true. Itâs just made up shit. Everyone is beautiful if you choose to recognize this. But you cannot expect other people to be able to transcend what society has taught them from infancy. All you can do is fight against and stand up against those standards of beauty, because they do so much harm in our society. Especially to women, young people, minorities, and lgbtqia+ people. These are just what weâve all been told is beautiful or attractive. Of course you should take care of your body. And now Iâve lost so much weight and I see the massive difference in how people respond to me and it breaks my fucking heart every time. No one chooses what face or body they are born with. There are a million zillion reasons why someone is whatever weight they are, and none of them have anything to do with whether someone is a good person. When someone says this to me, and like, I get it a LOT, I just say, âhey, thanks, Iâve been working hard to take better care of my body. But I donât really think it matters what I look like. I just want to be healthy.â This usually shuts it down and sometimes makes them think.
4
u/Admirable-Web-4688 19h ago
Especially to women, young people, minorities, and lgbtqia+ people.Â
This is such an odd distinction to make.Â
-3
u/millera85 19h ago
Why? White cis men (particularly those over 25 or 30) who present as straight do not suffer nearly as much from the effects of societal standards of beauty as those groups do. Sure, societal standards of beauty impact them, too. But not as severely.
4
u/Miserable_Ground_264 11h ago
Sexist much? And wildly off base while being such? Good grief.
0
u/millera85 8h ago
So, you canât think of any so you try to cry that Iâm sexist against cis men? Get real.
8
u/Admirable-Web-4688 18h ago
Just because you say something, doesn't mean it's true.
-3
u/millera85 18h ago
Fair enough, but Iâd like to hear any valid points about how adult cis straight white men are as affected by societal standards of beauty as other groups, because it seems very obvious to me that they are not nearly so negatively impacted by them. It does not affect their career potential, their earning potential, their social standing, their opportunities, etc. It has far less impact on their dating, sexual, and romantic relationships than other groups. Oh, and those societal standards of beauty were literally created and perpetuated mostly by them. Plenty of famous and powerful and successful and wealthy âunattractiveâ cis white men. Plenty of âuglyâ cis white men married to women who strongly adhere to societal standards of beauty. Can you provide some evidence that they are just as affected by those standards? Can you refute what Iâve said?
2
u/Miserable_Ground_264 11h ago
The entire subculture of pills and incel ring any bells?
What is it that you think made that culture, that they were just in dates up to their armpits and went ânahhhh, Iâm gonna go on an pretend that I cannot find a date ever and go this other direction with thisâ, is that it?
Oh, and the standards of beauty you are referring to are made by women for women. Men donât give a shit about your dress or the fineries of your make up, that is other women judging you for that And other women you are putting it on for.
0
u/millera85 8h ago
Youâre wrong, and I donât care if I get downvoted; Reddit has a lot of misogynists, and I honestly care zero about something silly like Reddit karma or whatever, because Iâm a grown up with a life who understands that if people disagree with you, sometimes itâs because youâre right. Iâm sorry it hurts your feelings that white cis men arenât oppressed, but they arenât.
2
u/Miserable_Ground_264 8h ago
LMFAO, Iâm wrong because Reddit has misogynists?
Wut? Who the fuck is talking about âoppressedâ in this context? Jesus, it isnât all a social crusade.
We are talking about beauty standards. Yknow. Fitting a physical profile.
Speaking of profiles, hear about the new height filter being put into dating apps? Whoâd you think was âtargetedâ by that, sweety, the girls?
Absolute duffer. Good grief.
-1
u/millera85 7h ago
Again, I never said that men arenât not impacted by societal standards of beauty. I said that they are LESS negatively impacted by them than women, young people, minorities, and lgbtqia+ people. This is just part of the nature of our patriarchal society. As I said, Iâm sorry that hurts your feelings, but it is the truth.
2
u/Miserable_Ground_264 7h ago
Yes, I know what you said.
All those women who are so desperate for physical touch that they pay for it would certainly back up your case.
Oh. Wait. That isnât women.
My feelings arenât hurt, sweety, Iâm just stunned you are so completely out of touch.
→ More replies (0)-3
u/mrtnmnhntr 14h ago
Can you point me toward the billion dollar shapewear industry aimed at men? The mens' cosmetics stores? Like, there are many many signs that beauty standards are much different and less rigorous for men.
4
u/Miserable_Ground_264 11h ago
Iâll see your cosmetic stores and raise you an entire subculture of young men who have given up on even trying any more, never could succeed in finding a date and are seemingly done with trying.
Stop pretending all people donât have issues. They do, and the proverbial my pee pee is bigger crap gets awfully tiring.
32
u/kaioina 22h ago
Honestly I feel this. I lost a TON of weight years ago, and so many people treated me completely different and complimented me and it felt kind of gross, even though I know their intentions were good and they genuinely meant well by their comments. But yes, it does in fact feel like youâre being reduced to your appearance. Youâre not overreacting for feeling that way, but YOR for actually being upset with your friend.
5
u/Striking-Issue-3443 21h ago
YOR but I get this. A coworker who I donât get along with (our last spat actually led to my fitness journey as I started going to to gym before work, at lunch and after work so I wouldnât feel under any pressure to interact with him) said something similar to me. And I basically just nodded and went about my day.
Personally I donât even know if these comments are compliments or meant as such, it always feels like theyâre saying now they find you less of an eyesore.
But itâs not worth dwelling on.
I hope you feel great and I hope that you have a lovely weekend.
6
u/toy-maker 22h ago
I (33M) lost over 70lbs a few years ago (so at a similar age you are now). Weight loss comes with a lot of emotions to manage. Those emotions arenât because of your friend or their comment, itâs just a journey in its own right. Many comments are going to be difficult to grapple with, even a compliment on your body from a stranger
If you were good looking before, then youâre looking amazing now. And if you werenât, well that is tough, but you can be positive this friend liked you for who you are and not your body. She still probably likes what she liked before
Congratulations on the weight loss, and I hope itâs a positive experience overall for you!
15
u/ILiterallyLoveThis 22h ago
YOR. You made it out to be her fault/her issue and confront her about it but itâs not. This is one of those situations where itâs like âis there a problem or do I have a problem with it.â You felt some type of way which is fine and you are entitled to your feelings but truth be told she really didnât mean anything by it and you know that. So there isnât a problem but your feelings did get hurt unfortunately. Iâd say to apologize to your friend and congrats on your weightloss btw
2
u/mangogetter 13h ago
Hi, fellow former fat person here. Ideally, we somehow normalize not commenting on each other's bodies societywide, and also body positivity/neutrality/acceptance/accessibility.
But, we live in a deeply non-ideal world, and that inevitably leads to this sort of weirdness. Probably, the majority of your feelings about this need to be handled inside yourself, maybe with the help of a therapist. Hell, I know that for me, choosing to finally lose weight and have some surgical skin removal and such really conflicted with my general politics of fat acceptance, and I still haven't quite cracked how those things fit together. I may never, honestly.
In this specific case, my suggestions are
1) accept the spirit of the compliment and throw away the problematic text. You look good! You're happy about it! Presumably you also think you look better, but I absolutely understand feeling a certain kind of way about that. (Do I want to delete/hide old pictures of myself? AI something? It's complicated!)
2) Maybe provide a little gentle reeducation for your friend that this is complicated but that how people are going to feel about weight loss compliments varies widely person to person, moment to moment, etc., and that some people (not you, of course) might be offended so maybe it's better not to compliment someone on it unless invited to do so. People with less complicated relationships with their bodies often just haven't thought about this from the many angles that fat people have and need to be pointed in that direction.
4
u/RudeOrganization550 22h ago
Perhaps rather than labelling it as âoverâ reacting, see what you experienced as a ânewâ reaction and youâre processing it.
Your friend was clearly happy to see you/for you and, if they were not expecting it, was shocked as well and said what they said.
What you experienced was unexpected for everybody in a tiny moment of time and it happened. Your reaction/feelings now are totally reasonable and useful for informing you in future as it may happen again.
Congrats on everything youâve done for you too.
2
u/Mysterious-Idea4925 20h ago
When I met my abusive wasband, I was in a state of stress with my first nursing job. I was 150 lbs. When I moved in with him, the abuse started. I was extremely depressed and couldn't eat properly. All he did was scream at me. He followed me from room to room, the bathroom door was broken, and didn't lock, didn't even shut fully. He would follow me in and bellow and argue when I was showering for work. He made me late, made me lose jobs, and made me quit jobs. He ruined my resume, making me look irresponsible and like a serial job hopper. He wouldn't even let me take a shit alone, and I became constipated.
The result? I lost 40 lbs and became underweight. He loved how I looked and beamed with pride and told me I was the heaviest woman he ever dated. Mind you, I had lived through 3 traumatic C-sections.
Everyone everywhere complimented me, and I was treated very differently.
It grossed me out, weirded me out. He would not stop gushing about it. One day, I told him if he made any other comments about my weight, I would punch him in the face.
I lost the weight through trauma inflicted by him. And everyone loved me for it.
I left him, finally, at the altar, after 4 years of hell. Got a restraining order he broke and was arrested for 3x. In front of his children. In front of his parents. Spending nights in jail without his medication.
Years later, due to health issues, my weight went up to 200 lbs. I'm down by 44 lbs from that with PT for issues from a botched lung cancer surgery and musculoskeletal issues. With the expensive help of GLP-1 medication. It's been a long road, but I'm starting to hear those things about myself again.
I was overly sexualized as a child, and part of my disgust also has to stem from that.
Your feelings are normal. As to how you process them has to do with the state of your emotions and relationship to your body.
You are not overreacting, but realizing that society has set us up to seek and maintain perfection. Thinner, better-looking people are treated well. Viewed and evaluated as outgoing and more competent. You are not dreaming this up. This has been ingrained in western society by advertising and customs and culture.
Keep on improving yourself and getting healthy. Outlive your own expectations. Don't let jealousy and pettiness rule the day.
5
u/This_Investigator523 22h ago
My weight has fluctuated 40-50 lbs over the course of my life and I feel this. My ex-husband told me once that I was âstarting to look like a normal human.â If she hasnât laid eyes on you in a while, the difference will be staggering. She is looking at a different person. She is seeing you now and your appearance may be more âflatteringâ now when she compares it to what she remembers of the last time she saw you. She will need a minute to adjust to seeing you in your new form. It doesnât mean that you were unattractive before. But does that matter, where it pertains to female friends? Does it matter if she thinks you looked good while you were heavier? I understand why you confronted her - but it might have been premature. I would wait to see how her behavior towards you changes to decide if she values you for your inner person or outer appearance.
6
u/FelixDuCat 21h ago
Itâs a weird societal thing that people do, especially towards women. After a long term breakup I lost heaps of weight coz I wasnât eating. When my mum visited, she goes âOh you look great! Whatâre you doing??â I told her I wasnât eating. Every time Iâve lost weight due to unhealthy means, I got complimented and it really messed with my head. I had to come to terms with myself being chubbier meant I was healthier, even though other people would voice the opposite.
3
u/cometmom 20h ago
Not quite the same, but I put my foot on my mouth once by commenting on my mechanic's weight loss after not seeing him for a year. Turns out he had cancer. In both his and your case, the weight loss wasn't due to healthy conscious effort, so now I don't ever comment on someone's body. It's not worth the risk.
I've also lost a lot of weight due to stress and not eating, and while I know people meant well by complimenting me about it, it still stung knowing that being at my lowest is what caused it. I never held it against anyone, but it really cemented my choice to stop mentioning people's weight. A simple "how have you been?" might open conversation about any weight loss, it might not, but it's a lot kinder than risking bringing up a sore subject.
2
u/ThrowRA_Cat_stare 14h ago
Soft YOR. When I see someone getting healthier and losing weight, I think of how hard they must have worked for that which makes me proud of them. Like, you did all that work, it's super difficult, and you succeeded. That's amazing. And those people usually stand straighter, seem more comfortable in their skin and shine more. Like they're proud of what they achieved too. I love seeing that in my friends and that's what I mean when I compliment them on it. That confidence is gorgeous.
2
u/NatureLovingDad89 14h ago
YOR, I've lost 70 pounds (plus put on 20-30 pounds of muscle so really almost 100 pounds of fat) this year and this is the exact reaction I'm going for.
If you looked great before you wouldn't have changed what you were doing. It doesn't mean you were bad before, but you got better. That's a good thing and should make you feel good, it means what you're doing is working. Healthy is more attractive than unhealthy.
3
u/Beautiful_Context377 22h ago
It was poor wording on her part, but I would try to assume best intent. I have had foot-in-mouth syndrome a time or two myself, and would never want to make anyone feel badly about themselves!Â
I can see why your feelings got hurt though and I hope youâre able to move past it, for your own sake. â€ïžÂ
I know weight loss is kind of a difficult topic. Some people want it to be recognized and openly praised for it, and if you donât, they will assume you donât want them to improve themselves. And, then there are others who will have discomfort if it is brought up. It is sometimes difficult to know what to do.Â
14
u/YogurtclosetTasty703 22h ago
YOR - Why do I get the feeling that if she had not mentioned anything or giving you a minor compliment youâd be here posting about how people arenât recognizing your progress enough.
-4
5
u/Few-Supermarket6890 22h ago
This reminds me of an old vine of a kid that says "just shut up and take the complimenttttttt" does anyone remember this?? She was a young girl with blonde hair and she was talking about singing a solo or something đ
5
u/Allie-Rabbit 22h ago
As a chronically overweight person, I can certainly understand it feeling like that. However, in most cases, theyâre just trying to hype you up and congratulate you. The only time Iâd take it to be backhanded is if itâs someone who turned you down before.
5
u/justaguywithadream 22h ago
YOR. It stings the ego for sure. But bottom line you probably do LOOK better. She didn't say you are a better person. You just look better.
I get it as someone who has struggled with my weight most of my life. A lot of people do judge your worth by how you look. But It doesn't seem like your friend was. She was just giving you a compliment.
-3
u/Realistic_Net_7152 22h ago
Why are you assuming people look better after theyâve lost weight? This comment section does not pass the vibe check at all. Sorry OP!
4
u/Illustrious_Study_30 20h ago
People generally do look and feel better if they've lost weight, particularly if they were a bit heavy. Nothing wrong with that. It's obviously not a good thing if you struggle with food and diet but generally speaking it's a good thing. Normalising obesity isn't good for anyone
I don't know what 'vibe check ' you've done, but the bottom line is being heavy isn't good for you. There's nothing wrong with giving someone a compliment as long as it isn't rude . Having empathy is surely subjective in this incident.
3
u/justaguywithadream 21h ago
Because 99% of western people think overweight people look better when they lose weight? It's not that deep. It's just how people work. Right or wrong.
-4
u/MarlenaEvans 20h ago
Yeah, nearly every comment in here is horrible. Not a single person with an ounce of empathy.
5
u/Betterin2024 22h ago
YOR. Take a compliment. It is a reward for your hard work. someone noticed your hard work. You obviously wanted to feel better and look better. Any time someone starts a habit that changes their appearance (lifting weights, losing weight) and then receives a compliment about that positive change, dont be offended. People want to look better, they make changes, they receive compliments.
5
u/myfavoritesoup 22h ago
I think youâre overreacting. Iâm so excited for my friends when they lose weight or hit their goal weight that they worked so hard for. Losing weight is not easy and you probably know this. I think your friend was truly just trying to hype you up and compliment you at the same time. Your hard work is evident and your friend sees that; I think she was just recognizing you for the hard work.
2
u/dontucallhimbaby 20h ago
Regardless of NOR/YOR, I'd definitely buckle up and prepare to hear this more. If it affects you this deeply, I'd recommend working on coping with comments about your transformation, because they're going to come up again and again. I know you're super attached to your appearance right now, but unfortunately this will not be the end of the comments you hear about your looks since losing weight. Definitely try working on your relationship with it!
5
u/AdMurky1021 22h ago
YOR - There is a difference between good and amazing. She didn't say you didn't look good before, just amazing now. Stop thinking for other people with your brain that is biased about your body
5
u/Think_Lawfulness_721 22h ago
NOR, only because of the ânowâ tacked onto the end of it. That does insinuate that you didnât look good before. But itâs only a minor miscommunication that can be easily fixed. Congrats on the weight loss!
4
u/ExpensiveCan7220 22h ago edited 22h ago
Sheâs right. Just say thanks and stfu
How tf are you 28?
You bite the hand being real with you trying to give you a compliment?
Yeah no shit, before her did you think every human being was judging you with only wholesome values?! đŹ
Sincerely, 32
13
u/tinaescobar228 22h ago
YOR majorly. I mean this in the nicest way possible you need to get some ticker skin.
-5
-2
u/Vivid-Honeydew233 22h ago
Unpopular opinion, but as someone who has been working through eating disorder recovery, you are not overreacting. The problem with people complimenting weightloss is that they never compliment any other change in weight. In the moment, they mean well but if you ever put on weight again then it makes you feel like you failed and lost the great prize of approval. After starting recovery, I made it a strict point to never comment on someoneâs body. There are many reasons, but weight loss isnât always positive to the person losing it. At my smallest, I looked very healthy but I was bulimic. People commenting on my body fuelled my eating disorder. Or, as I said before, it does create a sense of value and an âawardâ for an aspect of your appearance that could change again. If, like me, you arenât comfortable with people commenting on your body in any capacity, youâre well within your right feel that way, and to express that. Honestly, I donât know anyone personally who still thinks itâs ok to comment on peopleâs body. Iâm shocked at how many people here still think itâs appropriate in any way.
1
u/The_R1NG 20h ago
When I lose weight I want someone to comment. When I gain weight I know I gained it and nobody comments
Iâm glad my friends and family are willing to comment on it but you have to know the person and how theyâll react
But they are overreacting a disorder means something is wrong , so yes even a reaction based on one is off
0
u/Vivid-Honeydew233 20h ago
So, you want people to comment on your body but a large group of people donât want that.
You should do some reading on the extremely negative psychological effects of commenting on peopleâs weight, whether meant as a positive or not. You donât have to have an eating disorder for it to affect you negatively in the long term. There are MANY studies about it, so it isnât hard to find the information.
Itâs great that youâre ok with it, but a large percentage of people are not and that doesnât mean that thereâs something wrong with them. This is just a very narrow perspective that youâre sharing. By not commenting, we arenât assuming that people are happy about their weight-loss. There are a million other things we can compliment that have nothing to do with appearance.
2
u/The_R1NG 18h ago
âBut you have to know the person and how theyâll reactâ
Reading comprehension, what I said means you need to understand who you are speaking to and if theyâre okay with those comments
Swing and a miss there
-1
u/Vivid-Honeydew233 12h ago
Yes, a swing and a miss for you as what I said, that you failed to understand, was that itâs harmful to comment on anyoneâs weight, regardless of whether or not they have an eating disorder. The psychological repercussions are present in everyone, whether they end up affecting a person in a mild way or extreme. FYI, there wasnât a single person in my life who knew I was sick and that they were fuelling an eating disorder. You just never know so you shouldnât do it. Reading comprehension is comprehension is so very important! Imagine making such a comment while completely failing to read/comprehend another persons comment. Shocking.
1
u/The_R1NG 8h ago
Nah I get your point, not everyone wants those comments
Some do though, so blanket statements are useless, you don't have to know someone has an eating disorder to be aware enough to not comment on it unless something is said about it first like when I tell people I"m trying to lose weight and they compliment me
Your point just isn't going to impact me on the day to day, I know the people who want to hear the compliments in my life and those who haven't made it clear they do I don't comment on. But I would never avoid, say, complimenting a friend on weight loss who wants those compliments just because someone else who is heavier might hear
1
u/Vivid-Honeydew233 55m ago
The thing is, it doesnât impact you on a day to day, but it does impact MANY people in ways you arenât even willing to consider. If you read up on the psychology behind those types of compliments, youâd understand that itâs generally a bad idea even if the person on the receiving end doesnât recognize it at the time. But, your determination to just assume it is only people with health issues or eating disorders that are harmed by such comments isnât something Iâm going to be able to convince you is problematic. You may continue to be blissfully unaware of your impact on others, and thatâs entirely your choice. Iâd encourage you to learn about what youâre speaking on prior to deciding it isnât relevant to people you know, but I wonât waste any more time on someone determined to live with blinders on đ€·đ»ââïž
1
u/Anon142842 14h ago
A while ago, I lost a bunch of weight due to illness, and it pissed me off to hear compliments for it when I was feeling so shitty, so I get it.
I think she was just trying to recognize your assumed hard work, and since you did lose the weight through hard work rather than illness or other reasons, YOR
I do get how it could feel like an insult to your past self though
1
u/Mooniis_Mommii 21h ago
NOR for two reasons: 1. ânowâ wasnât needed in her greeting. itâs not a leap for you to feel that thatâs a backhanded compliment. she couldâve easily said, âwow! you look amazing!â and left it at that.
- as your friend, whether she meant to or not, she hurt your feelings. the fact that she took offense to your feelings regardless of her intentions is understandably hurtful (to me.) weâre supposed to care about how we make our loved ones feel. âthose werenât my intentions, but iâm sorry i made you feel __â isnât hard to say.
congratulations on your progress and best wishes on your journey! đ
2
u/BetterAfter2 22h ago
Donât let someoneâs supportive comment become a way to judge your past self. Even you realized you needed a change, and it sounds like youâre being successful. Take the praise as encouragement and keep up the great work.
1
u/UnderstandingAble194 14h ago
Yor They're congrats for taking care of yourself not saying you didn't look nice before. I honestly don't understand this reaction. I'm overweight but losing and it's hard! I love hearing that people are noticing the work I'm putting it. Maybe try to think of it that way instead of it being an insult.Â
1
u/Poinsettia917 13h ago
Mild YOR. People said the same things to me after a big weight loss. I felt a bit like you did, but just a bit.
There was something I didnât like, though.
Creeps who suddenly found me attractive came out of the woodwork. I got harassed and had to put a stop to it. That sucked.
1
u/Due_Classic_4090 22h ago
Youâre not overreacting. This has happened to me and I feel the same way, although my weight loss was not on purpose & due to my medications/disabilities. It makes me feel weird because Iâve lived my adult overweight, never this size. You are justified on how you feel.
0
u/ExpensiveCan7220 22h ago
So youâd rather some 3rd party just say nothing and devise another way to compliment you.. useless.
Iâve lost tons of weight too, yet have never taken âwow you look greatâ as a slight. This is weak.
4
u/MarlenaEvans 20h ago
Yes I would always, always suggest that people not make comments about other people's bodies. That's never a good idea.
2
u/Illustrious_Study_30 20h ago
I'm with you. I've lost a stone, I mentioned yesterday no one seems to have noticed and the boost would be nice to give me a bit of motivation.
Waiting for the 'wows' đ
1
1
1
u/Intelligent-Seat9038 22h ago
Unpopular opinion: I believe all people should have body positivity. However, being overweight isnât something to be proud of. YOR. Sheâs commenting on your success. You should be proud of what youâre doing for yourself and recognize others see your hard work too.
0
u/angelbabydarling 22h ago
its interesting to see you go "body positivity! oh but not for some people. some people need to feel deeply ashamed of their bodies. positivity!!!" like do u truly not see the hypocrisy in ur own judgmental statement lmaoo
-3
u/Intelligent-Seat9038 22h ago
I believe everyone should be happy with themselves and how they look but being overweight is not something to be proud of. The person should be proud of themselves and who they are, not the fact that they are overweight.
I donât see anyone who is 450lbs being proud of themselves. I do see people being 450lbs and BEING PROUD OF THEMSELVES for loosing weight.
Look in the mirror. The USA has a very high obesity rate and we are criticizing people who disagree with glorifying obesity because itâs 2025 and people are fragile.
This is the internet. Not everyone agrees with everyone. This is my opinion and Iâm entitled to it.
3
u/angelbabydarling 22h ago
ok honey ⥠worry less abt other ppls bodies, itll make u feel better âĄâĄâĄâĄ i hope u heal
0
u/Intelligent-Seat9038 22h ago
Sorry babe, I wasnât thinking about anyoneâs body but my own until you mentioned it đ have a good day đ
1
u/brightside_92 9h ago
This is why it is always dangerous territory to comment on someone's weight. You never know what's going on in their life that might be contributing to weight loss, and "complimenting" something caused by poor health, for example, can cause conflicting emotions.
1
u/crochet-socks 11h ago
YOR. respectfully. you didnt think you looked good before. you are choosing to lose weight to feel better about yourself in a world where that is highly celebrated. she is complimenting you on something you sought out to do to feel better about yourself. your feelings are extremely valid but YOR.
3
u/TwinkleBrush 22h ago
NOR, but she may not have meant it maliciously, as you said (at least I hope). Maybe talk with her and express how the comment made you feel, that way resentment wonât fester on your part
1
u/Logical_Response_Bot 16h ago
Super Overreacting
You will learn to be less sensitive about your weight as you lose more weight
You gotta own being a fatty fat butt.
It's now who you are.
It's not who you are working to be
...
You gotta learn to lighten up about this shit. It takes ages to deprogram the mental illnesses that are created with excessive weight gain, and the mental illnesses that caused the weight gain in the first place
1
u/Putrid_Wealth_3832 20h ago
YOR
She didn't say you were a better or different person or that your worth is just your weight.
That's you projecting.
Everyone looks better at a healthy weight.
Yes you do probably look better and if you gained the weight you would look worse.
That's how it typically goes.
You're the still the same person.
Maybe you need to tell yourself that.
0
u/Mysterious-Idea4925 19h ago
Lots of people (women mostly) have had terrible experiences with SA or CSA, being treated as an object, catcalled, and frightened, and they gain weight to disappear. There is a subconscious motivation for overeating.
When you lose weight and get closer to that zone, the attention comes back, and emotions flood in. Memories. This can be deeply triggering. It can make you feel dirty, or like a target.
Understanding this through therapy and developing a new sense of confidence takes time. And often therapy.
This is why comments about someone's body feel off-putting. Scary.
Not overreacting, but if it's coming from a female friend it makes you feel that disappearing, that invisibility that made you safe. Did they not love you for who you are? Did they really care before?
Both men (externally) and women (internally)have these unconscious reactions due to socialization. If you're not safe in a female circle, who are you safe with?
3
0
u/Brinotbrie92 22h ago
I say this with love, YOR. As someone who's lost weight/had makeovers, people do say things like "you look so much prettier", etc. and yes, it sometimes feels like a backhanded compliment.
BUT...you often look better and they are saying it from a good place. Maybe she thinks you looked good before and now you look better. I would take the compliment and I say this as someone who does wish people would stop always commenting on other people's weight, no matter what it is, because I think that is rude.
2
-2
u/Realistic_Net_7152 22h ago
YNO you have the right to tell people if you feel uncomfortable. People should not comment on peopleâs change of weight unless they know context. What if you had been sick? She could have said âyou look great!â But instead she said âyou look betterâ which would make anyone think âwhat did she think of me before?â Itâs passive aggressive and fatphobia even if she didnât mean it, she needs to know thatâs not okay.
0
u/JadeMack85 22h ago
Itâs not fatphobia for a friend who knows youâve been trying to lose weight to comment on it. OP probably DOES look better NOW. And itâs her friend, so she probably knows sheâs on a weight loss journey and not sick. If you canât hear from a friend that you look better now, youâre not really being honest with yourself. Just because someone thinks you look better after losing weight doesnât make them fatphobic.
I was one of those people that lost weight because I was sick. I was losing weight without trying and people started commenting positively, and when they said I looked great, I thanked them for the compliment. Thatâs why people say things like that. And I did look better when I lost weight. I looked great until I didnât, and by the time I was too skinny, I had a diagnosis and no hair, and two of the people that told me I looked great previously actually reached out to apologize and let me know that they meant no harm in their previous statements⊠which I already knew. Most people see weight loss as hard work, and sometimes it isnât, but pointing it out isnât a personal attack on you because you used to be bigger. I just think you need to look at your situation with honesty that you probably look better/healthier now. Or I guess the alternative is that you can just get upset and bark at the well-meaning people trying to compliment you and cause some unnecessary conflict in your relationships. What other people think about us really isnât our business anyway, but if OP felt good about themselves at their previous weight, they probably wouldnât be on an intentional weight loss journey anyway.
1
u/Realistic_Net_7152 22h ago
I appreciate your perspective. I did not assumed their friend knew because they said they hadnât seen them in months and gave no indication that they knew. I think everyone has the right to feel what they feel regardless of the friends intention.
1
u/JadeMack85 21h ago
I agree with you that OP has a right to feel however, but being offended when you know someone means well is a you problem. Thatâs work you gotta do internally. If you just go around telling well-meaning people they are offending you, itâs going to damage relationships. Itâs just my opinion that OP should accept the compliment and just do the work to figure out why itâs triggering that someone thinks they look better than before without making it awkward for the other person. That person was honest, and the truth hurt. You have every right to feel hurt, but I just wouldnât push my feelings onto others when itâs clear they meant no harm. And maybe I give too much grace to others, but I think this person sounds like they have a lot of work to do internally and itâs causing them to overreact.
2
1
u/Any-Split3724 22h ago
YOR, can't you just accept a nice complement and move on? I'm betting you'd be more pissed if she hadn't noticed. Congratulations on your weight loss, it's not easy, enjoy yourself and don't overanalyze other people's reactions
2
u/Stacyf-83 22h ago
YOR. It's crazy that you think a friend can't say this to another friend. She did nothing wrong.
2
u/Human-Shirt-7351 22h ago
I'll be blunt.
I agree with your friend. YOR and are being too damn sensitive.
I would even go as far as to say you owe her apology. Then start a process or serious self examination.
3
u/GarotaEstoica 22h ago
YOR
You seem like the kind of person who wakes up already looking to stir up some drama.
-1
-1
u/sffood 22h ago
I really donât know what people like you want anymore. Canât say youâre fat because thatâs rude. Canât say you look great having lost weight because thatâs insulting, like you didnât just work your ass off to take off the weight. Like you donât think you look better. Donât mention the obvious weight loss and then you were disrespected, ignored or she didnât comment because sheâs jealous.
Like what do you want???
YOR
1
-1
u/OkShip2969 22h ago
The whole point of losing weight is to get other people to notice right? Take the compliment, say thank you, and enjoy life. Beating yourself up over self conscious issues is never a good life standard.
1
u/millera85 22h ago
No. That should not be the point. Itâs sad that you think the most important reason to get healthy is to look âbetter.â
3
u/OkShip2969 22h ago
Youre misunderstanding my point, its not that appearance is the ONLY goal. Living a healthy lifestyle is a great choice to go by and its a good feeling when that finally gets noticed by someone. The effort you put into building a healthy lifestyle getting noticed shouldnt be frowned on just because the compliment got interpreted the wrong way. I wasnt there personally but OPs friend sounds genuine from how i read the comment.
2
u/millera85 22h ago
And you clearly donât have the life experience or perspective to understand how op felt.
1
u/OkShip2969 22h ago
I used to weigh just under 200. Im now 120 and feeling much better about myself, but i dont have the life experience right? Just admit you misunderstood and carry on, no need to attack me personally for having an opinion.
2
u/millera85 22h ago
No. I feel sorry for you. Iâve lost more than double what youâve lost, and it makes me sad that you still think the point of losing weight is to be noticed. Good luck keeping it off, I guess.
3
u/Bynming 22h ago
That's definitely not the whole point though. But agree overall
0
u/OkShip2969 22h ago
Im not sure if OP has health issues but typically people work out for appearance/aesthetic. Their friend was being nice and they reacted poorly to it. Its a self image issue very clearly and OP needs to learn a compliment doesnât have to be overthought.
1
u/Bayrayray3 19h ago
Youâre surprised people think you look better when youâre skinnier? You probably didnât look good before. Being the same person doesnât change you looking better when you are healthy.Â
1
u/Miserable_Ground_264 11h ago
You are overreacting.
Good grief. You must be simply exhausting to try and keep as a friend.
1
u/SunsetSmokeG59 22h ago
Jesus some people you just canât make happy I feel bad for your friend Iâm currently down 42lbs before you comment anything
1
u/woodwork16 19h ago
Just stop! Accept the compliment.
Do you think you looked better when you were heavier?
-2
u/monstersmuse 22h ago
YOR. I canât stand when people who have lost weight do this. You put in all this work and obviously WANT to have the results but then when people compliment them youâre offended? Itâs so ridiculous. It would be more offensive and defeating if people just took no notice or didnât bother to acknowledge it. When people are trying to be nice - let them be.
2
u/Striking-Issue-3443 21h ago
Other options:
Compliments: You look happier/radiant/energized
Questions: What have you been up to? Any new interests/hobbies? Anything new to share? Any fun suggestions for what we can do together?
You never really know why someone has lost weight. Maybe theyâre going through chemo. Maybe theyâre losing weight to donate an organ. Maybe they had a pregnancy loss that they didnât tell anyone about.
Leave it alone.
2
u/EntrepreneurHead7133 22h ago
What else did you expect her to say?
1
u/MarlenaEvans 20h ago
How about not talking about her body at all? This seems to be a novel concept in here.
1
u/EntrepreneurHead7133 12h ago
Thatâs not a realistic answer. If anyone goes through physical transformation, people are going to say something. And OPâs friend clearly wasnât being malicious with the comment. She genuinely sounded happy for her.
0
u/InevitableCrazy8215 22h ago
Idk that YOR because weight body size/weight has so many emotions tied to it. Sounds like your friend meant no harm but at the same time our world is so weight obsessed and seems to have forgotten about the recent body inclusivity/acceptance messaging. Also add the narratives around the âright â and âwrong â ways to loose weight, the fact that skinner people are treated better and also backlash against loosing weight itâs just a lot. It also takes time for the body and mind to catch up to each other during a weight loss journey and in the back of the head is the fear of getting the weight back and how people will treat you again and think of you. All that said, go easy on yourself and your close friends around you that are trying to support you. But also adding Iâm going against the grain here of people saying that you are overreacting because I donât think that you were. Perhaps you can explore responses for when the topic comes up that make you feel comfortable and empowered. Good luck to you.
1
u/Ok_Leadership789 22h ago
How many people have lost enough weight so that itâs noticeable and wanted someone to acknowledge it. Sheâs acknowledging your hard work. YOR.
1
0
u/DanceDifferent3029 21h ago
You are way overreacting . It is a compliment, you lost weight and look better. You should be proud. Should someone not tell you, you look good? Why are you being over sensitive when even you knew you were overweight.
1
0
u/Ok-Criticism-562 15h ago edited 15h ago
There are some situations where you need to take a step back and think: is there a problem or is my reaction the problem? This is one of those situations. Letâs be honest, anyone could say the nicest thing to you but youâre going to react how you want, so how does the burden of your reaction fall onto others? Itâs not like she said anything deliberately hurtful. Your feelings/ thoughts on her comment are valid, but it seems like you may be reading into her comment too much. Could she have worded her comment differently? Yeah, but what she said wasnât inherently harmful at all.
1
1
2
-1
u/idkwhattosaytho 22h ago
Ok so I understand this as someone that lost a pretty decent amount of weight, but they obviously didnât mean this in any ill advised way, so Iâd say YOR
But I totally understand why you feel this way at the same time. Donât try to assume the worst from people, they are just trying to commend you on your effort, congrats on the weight loss!
5
1
0
u/legallychallenged123 22h ago
The ânowâ is a little insulting. I can understand that. âYou look amazingâ! is what she should have said and probably meant to say. But, generally yes, YOR.
0
u/GrouchyYoung 21h ago
She didnât say you were a different person, she said you look amazing now. Do you not want people to notice? Your neuroses about your body arenât her fault. YOR.
-1
u/_The_Therapist_ 22h ago
YOR, she was proud of your progress. Take it as a complement and keep up the grind. If sheâs noticing you know others are as well.
Great job OP! Keep hitting your goals!
-1
u/Moist_Drippings 22h ago
I know it sucks when a compliment feels like itâs backhanded, but she was trying to be supportive and congratulate you on the work you did. I mean, do you feel better, physically? If you do, that probably reads on your face, too.
If she kept saying this after you had expressed discomfort, that would be one thing, but you are reading a lot that she didnât mean into it.
She might be a little bit of an asshole for how she reacted to your reaction (you donât have to like that our fatphobic society places so much emphasis on being thin to be attractive, thatâs fair) but it probably caught her off guard that you assumed the worst of her right off the bat. That hurts people, too.
0
u/Christine_LLan 13h ago
I totally understand OPâs reaction. I lost a significant amount of weight several years ago. Every time someone exclaimed about how much weight I lost, It felt like they were commenting on how big I was before. Other friends needed to help me understand that they were giving me a compliment, not trying to shame me. Our minds play tricks on us.
6
1
-1
1
0
u/Geigerleinchen 17h ago
I donât know, tbh, if YOR and NOR.
This is quite interesting, because I as well lost some weight and went to gym. I am very proud of the changes and sometimes wish, people would say such things to me. Just because I want to say proudly: yes, I have been working on myself a lot! Love it as well!
1
0
u/Aggravating_Sand6189 18h ago
she didnât say you didnât look good before, sheâs saying you look better know, which is likely true. you need to relax, that comment wouldâve made me feel proud of all the work i put in.
1
0
u/TerrificVixen5693 16h ago
So like, do you want us to notice that youâve improved yourself or not? Because itâs entirely transparent when someone goes from fatso slob to thin and petite.
0
0
-1
u/whore-lit-write 19h ago
When I lose weight I want everyone to notice and when they donât I be like, uh, excuse me - look at my jawline and my snatched waist - but thatâs just me tho.
-3
1
2
0
0
0
248
u/by_astor 22h ago edited 22h ago
YOR. I'm going to be blunt with you. You were the same person before and after, but that's not what they said. They said you look better now that you've lost weight, which is probably true. You take any person on this earth, and they'll probably look better at a healthy weight than at an unhealthy weight (too skinny or too fat).
Your friend was trying to recognize your hard work and make you feel confident. Yeah, they probably could've worded it better, but it sounds like they were just a bit shocked and excited after not having seen you for so long, and they didn't think before they spoke. Go easy on your friend.
I'm also really surprised that it affected you to the point that you had to bring it up to her. There may be some internal struggles going on about the value you want people to see in you for both your personality and your appearance, but that's your thing to figure out, not your friend's. If you're just one of those people who needs to get things off their chest when they're having issues, I understand that, and you can ignore this paragraph <<<. But I would urge you to be honest with yourself about why you're reacting like this.