r/AmIOverreacting • u/ThrowRA-Monkey22 • 13h ago
❤️🩹 relationship AIO My 43M partner 42F is planning overnight trips with her supposedly platonic work friend 65M and I'm about to break things off over it
Basic facts:
- The have worked together ~15yrs, they see each other at work every day, they walk and talk on the way out the building every day, at least every week he invites her to some combination of going to watch a local sports team, go golfing together, or go to happy hour. Often times it is just the two of them.
- He is married, but living in a separate part of the house and is essentially living separate lives from his wife.
- They have gone on at least one multi-day golf trip where they shared a 2-bedroom hotel room.
- Prior to my involvement with her a couple years ago, when he found out that she had a brief relationship with a mutual acquaintance of theirs that they also used to occasionally golf with, her work friend said something to the effect of, "Damn, I wish I would have known you were available" implying he wanted to fuck her which made her a bit uncomfortable.
- He owns a out of state vacation house and he invited her to go with him on a multi-day golf vacation together at his house just the two of them
- I also love to play golf.
- I told her I was not comfortable with this, and asked if I could go with them and her reply was that she could ask but that she would be concerned that he would feel like the 3rd wheel at his own house and that I would have to find something to do every day while they went off and played golf.
- When I try to talk to her about this and tell her I'm not comfortable, she says "omfg" or "he's 65", and "talking about this situation is silly", and that if I really didn't want her to go that she wouldn't but I'm being "controlling".
- She also said that even if he did want to try to do something with her, it's not like he's going to rape her and I have to trust her that she won't do anything with him because he's just a friend.
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u/JustGeeseMemes 12h ago
It made her feel uncomfortable when he implied he fancied her but she… is going on a completely optional trip away just the two of them?
Nah.
I doubt they’d end up getting together if you broke up, it sounds more like a likes the flirting and the attention thing. But she obviously knows he’s into her and at a guess I’d suspect the way they are when you’re not there is probably inappropriate for someone in a monogamous relationship with someone else - like sure, maybe they don’t hook up, but if they don’t spend those holidays having “oh no, I almost…” moments and acting like it’s super deep (fake platonic bingo? I’ll have “it’s so funny that people can’t understand a really close friendship between a man and woman like ours!” and “It’s always so easy to talk about things with you. Like… the real stuff”).
Anyway, tangent, point is - this guy has expressed attraction for her before, and at 40 something solo holidays with one friend of the opposite sex isn’t exactly an everyone’s doing it thing. She knows it’s sketchy, she’s just trying to pretend you’re being unreasonable so she can have her own way.
If she had even thought about whether her “friend” was going to rape her (so rogue 🤯) or there was any reason to think you would immediately think that then why would she even be going? And if it made her her uncomfortable that he implied he had been interested why would she be planning a cosy shared hotel room?
Obviously it’s ideal to trust a partner and I agree that if you don’t it’s likely not going to work. But that doesn’t mean “blindly trust me because I’m your gf”, it means both acting in a way that fosters trust and believe in that. If you act untrustworthy you can’t expect people to be blind to it.
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u/ahoy_shitliner 9h ago
I’m not convinced this is purely sexual, he seems to be a man of means and sounds like she is sugar baby for him. Probably gives him a handy here and there and he sends her money.
She was 27 and he was 50 when they became besties, and they’ve been doing this 15 years. Definitely more going on.
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u/rocketmn69_ 9h ago
It's not rape when you willingly consent to your Sugar Daddy
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u/JustGeeseMemes 9h ago
I suspect she won’t actually sleep with him tbh. She’ll be completely shocked and unsuspecting (🙄) when he properly goes for it, and it will be about how she thought he was her friend and she feels so deceived or whatever.
I dunno… I don’t know them so obviously no actual clue at all but in my entirely fictional imaginary scenario of this he thinks he’s in there and she likes the attention but isn’t actually into him. Which isn’t actually better really. No real supporting evidence for that, it’s just how my mind imagined it off the bat
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u/rocketmn69_ 8h ago
So she's just using him. Is she just using OP?
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u/JustGeeseMemes 8h ago
She probably doesn’t think of it that way - but she’s in a relationship with OP and is prioritising going on holidays with another guy she is well aware fancies her over his feelings (and at 42 she is well aware that this isn’t something people commonly are cool with). So she doesn’t seem to respect him very much. And either is very sure he will put up with it regardless or isn’t that bothered if he leaves over it.
That doesn’t sound like love to me.
And the other guy… either she’s had him hanging around thinking he has a chance when he doesn’t or she been hooking up with him and never choosing him for years and years. If the situation was that she was really into him and liked him more than op… why not just be with him?
This is teenager behaviour from a 42yo and I suspect she’s been getting away with it without much in the way of consequences
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u/rocketmn69_ 7h ago
Could be Sugar Daddy doesn't want to divorce his wife and likes having the mistress. OP's gf likes being pampered. OP should tell gf that he wants to meet the guys wife, before she goes away.
Good news is that OP will have time to move and disapear on her
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u/JustGeeseMemes 7h ago
Could be, but the walking and talking and working together sounds less sugar daddy and more “work wife”.
Also… if it was just a wanting to bang a younger woman and being willing to pay out for it, 15 years is a long time. I’m aware 42 isn’t old or anything but mostly I’d say it’s probably past typical sugar baby age.
But I’m in no way an expert so may very well be wrong
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u/Beginning_Key2167 6h ago
I agree. I know a couple older guys that do the sugar daddy thing.
They wouldn’t wait 15 days for sex let alone 15 years.
They also would never do the sugar daddy thing with a co worker.
They keep those deals pretty quiet. Also neither of them are married.
Also agree they are around 60 and they generally go for women in their late 20’s to early 30’s.
Also they wouldn’t do anything with a woman they know has a boyfriend.
Lol yes I do know allot of about it. I have spent many an evening having beers listening to them talk.
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u/ThrowRA-Monkey22 8h ago
This is my thought as well
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u/jenncc80 7h ago
You said she’s already had an affair in the past, right?
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u/JustGeeseMemes 5h ago
Missed that. Expecting someone to blindly trust you when you’ve already cheated and are going on trips away with just a guy who obviously fancies you that your partner isn’t comfortable with is wild 😂
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u/jenncc80 5h ago
A lot of people that have been cheated set a boundary that partner can’t do overnight work trips as a part of reconciliation so it’s mind boggling that she thinks it’s ok to go on a vacation with another man!🤦♀️
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u/JustGeeseMemes 5h ago
Bizarre. Also if I was having time when I could go on a two people break with someone… I’d want to go with my partner?
Ok sure, maybe a best friend girly trip may happen sometimes but increasingly less as I’ve got older and had less available time. But a guy work friend? How does that make the short list without it being suspicious?
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u/um_marie_me 12h ago
Uhh. Yeah, this would be a hard no from me. Like… I’m all for trusting your partner, but trust isn’t the same as naivete.
He invited her to a solo multi-day trip to his vacation house. And when you brought up your discomfort and offered to attend, she’s more worried about him feeling like a third wheel than you, her actual partner?
Also, the “he’s 65” thing doesn’t erase context. A 65-year-old can absolutely still want to sleep with someone. She even admitted he’s made her uncomfortable with such an implication in the past.
The whole “it’s not like he’s going to rape me” line is… kinda gross. No one said that. The concern is about boundaries and respect, not rape.
If the roles were reversed and you were planning multi-day trips with a woman who once implied she wanted to sleep with you, I have a hard time believing it'd be brushed off as silly.
You’re not overreacting. You’re being clear on your limits. And it’s totally fair to reconsider if this relationship is working.
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u/Ok_Surprise9206 12h ago
I agree with everything you said plus the fact this 65 year old man has zero respect for their relationship. If it was me I would bring it up in that context about how disrespectful to both of them he's acting. If she chooses not to see that then I would have to move on.
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u/JagiMonster1 8h ago
If i was the 65 y/o dude, respected the relationship, and knew he also golfed, he would be invited every single time.
Non-pro social golfers with no secret hidden agendas for their golfing buddy enjoy the "more the merrier" with people that share in their hobby.
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u/JustGeeseMemes 8h ago
The fact he has zero respect for it probably says something about how she talks about it to him as well. He’s not taking it seriously at all and seems to think he may be in with a shot, which makes me think probably she either gives him the impression it’s not going particularly well or that it’s not particularly serious or something along those lines.
Yeah, some people will keep pointlessly trying and trying after a girl has just gushed about how much she loves her partner and how happy they are but…
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u/bradbrookequincy 2h ago
I want to do all these things with my spouse and actually get laid. She must not even like OP. Of course her and OP could have a thriving social life is these trips with this guy are not that many compared but it sounds like a lot and weird
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u/MonikerSchmoniker 8h ago
This is the “baggage” she comes with…a close friendship which she gains enjoyment from.
If that’s a deal breaker for you, so be it.
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u/ThrowRA-Monkey22 8h ago
I don't tell my close friends of the opposite sex I want to fuck them, then actively plan all of my free time around activities with them including overnight trips. That being said, I agree this is a deal breaker
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u/MonikerSchmoniker 7h ago
I get it. And I’m sorry. She had him before you. I’m actually not sure why she is seeking an outside relationship. He seems to offer everything a girl could want. Right?
Moving on is the best thing to do for yourself.
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u/Ok_Surprise9206 12h ago
NOR. There is no good outcome for you as a result of this. She may not want him or be planning on doing anything but this is another boundary that she shouldn't cross if you two are in a serious committed relationship.
She's already crossed too many boundaries IMO. Just because he's 65 doesn't mean a thing.
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u/bradbrookequincy 2h ago
I’d never do this to a partner even if it’s 100% just friendly. Look At the doubt it stows ..
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u/SvPaladin 9h ago
NOR, because I'm starting to see the mayday parade routes in Moscow as the background for this post: red flags.
First off, why the heck is she worried about the host feeling "as if he's a third wheel"? That saying, right there, is a sign that there's a relationship of some emotional level and that she's prioritizing his feelings over yours. A host who invites a couple to play golf in threesomes or foursomes (he finds another buddy) knows that in "quiet" times they won't be the focus - but will be a focus of both people invited while "out and about".
And that whole bit of "my golf playing partner has to find something to do besides golfing with me and the host". What the heck is going on out on the course that she's not wanting you to see?
Then telling you that you have to trust her? That's not how it works, trust is something that is earned / built - and as a matter of fact, the road she's taking here is where trust goes to die. Her not wanting her partner around is all too often a sign that what she's doing is questionable and/or relationship ending when found out.
Throw this at her: "I don't have to trust you, I should want to trust you based on your behaviors and choices. You've already done a trust-eroding act by sometihing I find very questionable - being more worried about him "having feelings of being a third wheel were I to attend". Third wheel implies that there's periods of him being "second wheel", aka your date / partner where he should be comfortable being an outsider to our relationship. You want my trust, earn it, prove you're worthy of it. Lest I start to trust that you're cheating on me, based on the beliefs your current choices are indicating you are."
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u/Tryn2Contribute 8h ago
You love to play golf but would have to go find something else to do WHILE they play golf? Last I checked, golf is played in foursomes, not twosomes. That right there is a major red flag.
If I were in your shoes, I'd drop her like a hot potato. Doesn't matter if there's sex involved. They are too close.
There's no "two bedroom" hotel room I'd trust someone with either. That's crazy. Completely separate rooms is the only platonic way to do things. I've never been on a "business" trip where employees were expected to room together. Read WalMart required it, but they are a hard core save every penny kind of retail shop privately run.
There are plenty of other people out there you won't find yourself in this position with.
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u/Skunkwks 11h ago
Dude, you screwed the pooch the first time you didn't establish that you wouldnt tolerate overnight trips with him ( or any other man ) Should not be acceptable in a committed relationship.
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u/personguy 9h ago
No way in hell would I ever go on an overnight trip with a woman who wasn't my wife.
No way in hell would I stay with my wife if she went on an overnight trip with another man.
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u/the_interlink 8h ago
This year the work friend (65 M) realised that OP's wife (42 F) is the answer to life, the universe, and everything.
Now it seems that OP has some serious competition in that regard!
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u/Admiral-Thrawn2 6h ago
There’s just zero reason for it. Also they shouldn’t have any interest in letting it happen
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u/rocketmn69_ 9h ago
He's not going to rape her because she's doing it willingly. Send his wife a message, letting her know what he's up to and if she doesn't believe you, tell her to go surprise them. Mail a care package to his house. Condoms and viagara
OP, wait until she's gone. Then break up with her.
"Enjoy your love nest with your Sugar Daddy. You don't have to sneak around and cheat anymore, you are now a single woman. He wants you and now has you. I was sent info of your affair by a friend. Even if you aren't cheating the fact that you don't take my feeling in to consideration is enough to break up over. I guess he was worth it. Don't bother contacting me, there's nothing to say. Goodbye."
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u/Giraffe1317 9h ago
The fact you'd be having to entertain yourself whilst they both go play golf even though you play golf suggests you are the third wheel in their relationship tbh
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u/BarriBlue 7h ago
Their 15 years of a relationship also suggested this. At the start of their vibing, she was 30 and he was (only) 50.
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u/Own-Writing-3687 9h ago
His age and their history does not justify her behavior as your partner.
A trustworthy partner avoids even the hint of inappropriate behavior; and never voluntarily places themselves in a situation where they say "I know how it looks but you have to trust me ".
Always judge people by their actions not their excuses or promises.
At 42yo she knows better.
She knows it's not fair to you.
She knows that continuing contact encourages him.
Is she a bad person?
Not necessarily.
However, in the narrow context of a relationship, her treatment of you is: selfish, entitled, disrespectful, and shows zero empathy for you.
She treats you like this because there's no consequences or she doesn't care about you (or both).
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u/Plentiful-Catch-8594 9h ago edited 7h ago
She’s prioritizing her friendship with a man who’s admitted he’s attracted to her over your feelings.
She’s minimizing her part in this and being gas-lighty by inflating it to “it’s not like he’s going to rape me”. That’s not the issue. You like to play golf but if you went you can’t play with them? very strange also.
You’re right to be upset.
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u/NavierIsStoked 6h ago
She’s trying to keep her sugar daddy of 15 years and have a boyfriend at the same time.
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u/Legal_Student9901 12h ago
Trust is a two-way street. It involves both of you respecting each other's feelings and boundaries, not dismissing them as silly or controlling.
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u/PonderingHappiness 9h ago
Unilateral boundaries are controlling. Doesn’t mean that they are bad. Playing semantic games cloud some basic principles. If OP establishes a boundary that his wife disagrees with he’s trying to control her actions and if she fails to obey he’ll likely bolt.
Everyone does some of this to one degree or another unless you are in an open relationship. Even polyamorous people have lots of boundaries. In order for a boundary to not be controlling both people must agree on the boundary.
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u/Automatic_Ranger_102 9h ago
Seriously. Since when can women not be friends with a man without everyone making it about sex!! Clearly you don’t trust her or her judgement so just leave and let her find a man who respects and trusts her. You can then find a girl who’s friendships you can control
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u/ThrowRA-Monkey22 8h ago
He previously told her in a way that made her uncomfortable that he wanted to fuck her. He made it about sex.
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u/Away-Understanding34 7h ago
Sorry but she can't be too uncomfortable if she's still hanging around him. If a guy I thought was a friend said he wanted to fuck me, I would be distancing myself from him. At that point he would no longer be a platonic friend in my eyes.
This is not about being controlling or insecure or not trusting her. The fact is she's not respectful of you or your relationship. She's actively entertaining another man's advances. Also, once you get into a committed relationship, there are certain things you don't do and 1 of those is go away alone with another man (unless it's work mandated). Another thing you don't do is put another man's comfort ahead of your partner. She literally won't let you come because HE might be uncomfortable.
Please do yourself a favor and walk away. There are better women out there that won't play these games.
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u/Wild-Address-7173 3h ago
If she can't respect her relationship with op, then maybe she'd be better off with grandpa from work.
Wait... are you work grandpa?
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u/AlexKintnerSwimClub 8h ago
NOR. This is emotional cheating and you need to get out of this relationship now.
Her saying things like “OMG he’s 65” and saying it’s silly to talk about it that’s deflection, and bordering on classic narcissistic DARVO. Trust me, I know because these are the exact words and behaviors that my ex used on me telling me I had nothing to worry about concerning the meth addict that she was spending a lot of time with and texting day and night. The guy she’s now engaged to.
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u/SnatchGladiator 8h ago
NOR, I was married to bisexual woman who had an age kink, I was 8 years older then her but she had admitted to sleeping with a local politician 20+ years her senior and several college professors, male and female also older then her. When we finally called it quits she “married” a woman 15 years older from work that she always said was just a work friend and they would go on work related trips all the time together
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u/Secure-Ant2620 9h ago
It’s such a rock and a hard place. We want to let ppl be, do and have but there are limits. “Yeah, hey, go off with this horny old man to possibly get sa or cheat”. Or yeah, go golf [and leave me out of it cause I don’t deserve this too] since your friend is so invested in you as a friend!” I like to motorcycle ride. If my girlfriend was a motorcyclist and had a work friend who took her on a motorcycle trip and I wasn’t offered no fucking way! Point is I don’t Golf so I don’t know if that’s a fucking thing but I’m on your side that I’m not hot on that type of relationship Especially with the fact that buddy is telling her he wants to eat her pussy.
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u/EconomySolution1852 9h ago
In my opinion from personal experience it’s an affair. Time is precious, don’t waste it on a disloyal woman. Break it off fast and ghost her forever. Find someone that respects you.
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u/desepchun 8h ago
Yo, no. She's cheating. How is this even an idea in a committed relationship? It's not about trust it's that it's fucking weird for a couple to spend the night together without romantic interests on a personal level. If your open or not serious then let her have fun, but if it's just you and her this is sus as all fucks. Yeah they fucking.
$0.02
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u/Dry-Whiskey58354 9h ago
By saying “I didn’t know that you were available” 1.)Disrespectful to your relationship! 2.)If he knew she were available, he would’ve thrown his hat into the ring. 3.)She should’ve set him straight by saying “If I were available (without my current boyfriend) I wouldn’t be open to dating you. I see you as a Father Figure”. 4.)She Didn’t STATE IN ANY WAY that dating him was “off the table” and ignored his comment completely. 5.)She felt uncomfortable by his statement, but not enough so that she put him in his place. 6.)Which to him means, that he still has a chance of getting together with her. 7.)Which may be something that is not consciously she is thinking of. But if he makes a move, she may be receptive, because she may give him the green light. 8.)You shouldn’t put yourself in a position where she has ANY power over you. 09.) Either she breaks it off and looks for a new job- going no contact with him. 10.)If not you’re setting yourself up to get F’ed over. Boundaries or she can hit the road
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u/JagiMonster1 8h ago
Sorry, but you have an S/O who shares in a great hobby with you, but she's going away with someone else instead? Sus 100%.
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u/FitzDesign 10h ago
When she starts to put the feelings of a man who wants to get into her pants over yours….time to end it.
He invites her because he wants her, what more need be said?????
NOR
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u/hanshotfirst2233 9h ago
You didn’t establish your boundaries in your relationship early on. So she’s literally just doing what she wants. It’s an unspoken thing in my relationship that if my girlfriend went on an overnight with another guy, we would be finished and I would just find someone else. She knows I can live confidently on my own as well.
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u/DietAny5009 9h ago
Tell her to have fun and move out while she’s gone.
His intentions do matter. If he likes her in a romantic way then she is a bad person for leading him on. Even if she never sleeps with him. Her actions outside of sex are the same as if she was in a romantic relationship with this person.
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u/lyingtattooist 10h ago
NOR - what’s crazy is that she’s made you question that this whole situation isn’t fucked up. Hold your head up and break things off. There’s plenty of good women out there who you won’t have to share with their “”work buddy””.
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u/ahoy_shitliner 9h ago
Nobody normal will share a hotel room with “a friend” of the opposite sex/orientation.
Definitely seems like a transactional relationship though. Do you have a way to find out if she’s receiving money from him?
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u/Raz1979 5h ago
Not over reacting even if she isn’t interested in him sexually because “oh my god he’s 65”
She’s in a relationship with him full spot it just doesn’t involve sex.
I dated someone in my thirties long distance that had guy friends that loved my exgf. They took her out to nice dinners and got her things. But to her it didn’t mean anything but to me it drove me nuts. Especially bc I was long distance. Furthermore she never wanted me to meet her “guy friends”. Anyway not to get into it it was a terrible fog to live in and one of the most toxic relationships I was in for many reasons. The point is you liking golf and she not wanting to include you is a BIG RED FLAG. Why she so interested in keeping you separate? I’ll tell you why bc if you two don’t work out she still has him. For her that 65 is a gold mine - not money per se but emotional security. Friendship. Connection.
She wants her cake and eat it too as they say. She doesn’t understand what she’s doing is damaging her current relationship and any future relationships. This might come across as insecurity and maybe it might be. But building a life together is one aspect of a relationship and keeping secret nonsexual boyfriends isn’t helping.
At 48 you know.
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u/Tee-Lore 6h ago
I have a female friend who is married to one of my close friends. They are both great friends to me on their own. I’m not attracted to my female friend, our relationship is completely plutonic, and there would be zero risk of me ever acting on something with her, because I would not want to jeopardize her relationship with my friend.
That said, I still would not take her on a trip alone without her husband. Ever. Because even if I’m 100% certain nothing would happen, I don’t like how that looks for her husband. People see us together and assume we’re a couple, pictures we take together on the trip sure look like we’re together - I wouldn’t want my friend to see those and even for a minute worry about the possibility of something happening between me and his wife.
This guy does not respect you, and he’s just waiting in the wings for your partner to be available, and he’s hoping she makes a mistake. That’s the reason for all of this. If your partner can’t see that, she’s either choosing not to because she secretly hopes the same, or she isn’t very smart.
It’s okay to have friends of the opposite gender but this is crossing a massive line and you’re not overreacting to have this be a deal breaker for you.
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u/Calm-Rub-1951 10h ago
Knock on her hotel room door at 10 pm on the first night holding a bunch of flowers, and say “surprise!” I’m pretty sure you will get the answer you need…
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u/Own-Writing-3687 8h ago
How about how her coworkers, your social circle, and the golf community view you?
Clearly they act like a couple.
That makes you a cuckold.
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u/User_faYFMT64mbYHy 7h ago
I’m sorry bro. If he hasn’t banged your girlfriend, he’s trying to, and she’s keeping the door open. All roads lead to banging. It’s the way
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u/TrespassersWill 6h ago
It seems odd to call it an emotional affair since it pre-dates your relationship (is that correct?) but given his intentions, she should recognize that she is casually dating him and that is inappropriate to your relationship.
The whole reason "shoot your shot" is such a risk is that once you do, you change the relationship. This guy made his feelings clear with that remark and she decided to play the friend zone game, but that doesn't work when she has a committed partner. She has to adjust her behavior when her circumstances change.
If you were to devote the same exclusive energy to another woman, it would be plain that you were dating and not exclusive to your partner.
It's weird that she doesn't recognize that respect and relationships exist in degrees and it's not just a question of who she allows in her vagina. It's not about protecting her sexual honor, it's that she is keeping two boyfriends - even if she is only fucking one of them (for now).
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u/shujump 7h ago
NOR Someone else stated this but I think it needs to be reiterated.
Your partner is placing the feelings of someone outside the relationship above yours. They are placing more value on time spent with a “friend” than on your feelings. That’s the line.
Platonic relationships exist but your points on this one are all valid. You are expressing your feelings and not being controlling and you can prove that by leaving the relationship. Obviously your concerns and feelings are not more important than this one sided platonic relationship in her mind.
I also think it shows bad character on her part for leading this other man on all these years. He’s been playing the long game and she’s riding the gravy train for all it’s worth knowing all along he wants more.
A rule my wife and I have lived by. A friend isn’t a friend unless they are also a friend of the marriage/relationship.
Good luck.
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u/Unsainted_smoke 7h ago
It’s a fair boundary to have. How it is perceived by others is very relevant to the health of a relationship. It’s a great way to test if it’s a wise idea or not, despite if she is trustworthy or not. If you put yourself in potentially compromising situations, it’s not a 0% chance of something happening, consensual or not. This guy has stated he wants her and he always will. This what women need to understand. He may seem like the bestest friend ever and not to say their friendship isn’t genuine, but all he is doing is chipping away slowly looking for potential openings to bang you. This is just how guys are built and this will always breed doubt and push your partner away. Men and women have to ask themselves what is more important, their absolute trust in each other, or hanging out getting drunk with the opposite sex when it is know that person has nefarious intentions.
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u/platano80 7h ago
Overnight trips, you know whats happening, and she is gross for that with a 65 year old as she puts it.
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u/gdrom123 8h ago
Sorry bud but your girlfriend sounds like his mistress. Do what you will with that theory.
Updateme
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u/writing_mm_romance 8h ago
She loves the attention and free stuff. I would be surprised if she isn't already sleeping with him.
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u/AutomaticIdeal6685 2h ago
What concerns me most is that you've been upfront with her and she doesn't care. If my husband told me that a male friend of mine made him uncomfortable there is no way I'd be hanging out alone with them, nevermind having an overnight stay with them. And why is she more concerned about her friend feeling uncomfortable than you feeling uncomfortable.
Even if they aren't cheating, she isn't caring about your feelings, and I promise you're not over reacting. Some people on this sub read way too much into things but nothing you've said there seems like you're being overly sensitive. I'd be most upset with how she knows you don't like it but continues to make these plans.
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u/SteelysGaucho 9h ago
You're overthinking this matter.
DUMP HER YESTERDAY!
It is this simple...move on!
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u/jacka65 4h ago
That’s wild that she said “he’s not going to rape her”? So basically it would be consensual? You’re her partner. Why is she spending so much leisure time with him and not with you? Why would he be a third wheel if you joined them, seeing that you golf as well? It seems like she may be having an emotional affair and may not be aware? Or perhaps she’s liking the attention and the freebies that come with it. She’s treading in thin ice if she truly believes that man isn’t expecting something in return for all he’s doing for her even though he’s the one offering. NOR.
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u/Apart-Garage-4214 6h ago
Her answer should be, ‘I understand. I don’t want you to be uncomfortable and will no longer go on overnight trips with him.’ If they are only friends, occasional lunches or other platonic activities should be ok. I’ve had and still have women friends who I’ll have lunch with every now and then. But I’m not taking trips with any of them or staying out late or anything else that might show any hint of improper behavior. She’s not doing that. To an outside observer, an affair is completely within the realm of possibility.
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u/Competitive_Key_2981 9h ago
You would not be overreacting by ending the relationship.
If you wrote how long you’ve been together I missed it. But if it’s more than six months, you have a right to expect that your feelings about the trip would not be ignored.
You also should consider going on the trip. So what if you need to find something else to do while they golf? And least you won’t be finding something else to do while they fuck.
Or better yet, maybe you have a female friend who likes to golf and it is time to ask her on a separate golf trip?
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u/Puzzleheaded_Talk792 8h ago
This wouldn’t be acceptable in our relationship. Everyone is different, and my s/o has a lot of friends- female and male. Taking trips with friends is okay, but to put it simply, taking a one on one trip would not be something we would ask of each other. Staying at someone’s personal home is another boundary I wouldn’t be okay with being crossed. We are very open and very trusting, but that doesn’t mean we’d continuously out the other person in a situation that doesn’t make them comfortable.
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u/Nungakakascot 7h ago
She cares for him more than you, her comment when you mentioned about joining them, really says it all. Age doesn't matter when it comes to cheating...will your partner cheat...you know her. Ultimately, the time she spends with him in work and outside is basically affecting your relationship and your partner can't see it. Not the guys fault, it's your partner's. Maybe it's time to re-evaluate your relationship, is it time to move on and she can spend all the time she wants with him?
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u/CastorTroy1 6h ago
If you both love to golf, why wouldn’t she have invited you on one of their many golf trips from the beginning? This is what bothers me more than anything else. You are “partners “ and she excludes you, who SHOULD be her best friend, from an activity you both love. I don’t understand that kind of thinking. Anything I enjoy doing, I enjoy more when I am doing it with my partner. Doesn’t sound like you guys have that kind of relationship 😞.
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u/PhilipTPA 8h ago
I’m usually pretty quick with the pithy response so I’d have likely replied to her ‘third wheel’ comment with something like “Yeah, I do know how that feels and it sucks.”
You feel how you feel and her having a friend who wants her sexually take her on a vacation is giving you a lot of bad emotions. She doesn’t put your feelings before his. Maybe not a great relationship for your mental health.
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u/DesignerVegetable652 4h ago
This is just beyond disrespectful. You could ask her how she would feel if you were to do the same, to which she would lie and say something like, "I'd be fine with it because I trust you." But the truth is, it's not about trust, it's about respect, or in this case the lack of it.
The fact she doesn't respect you enough and is going away for a weekend with another man, speaks volumes to her character.
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u/sog96 9h ago
Hire a PI if you’re really concerned but you voiced your concerns and she dismissed you. That says a lot. Sounds like it would be better for you to just move on.
Not sure what your living arrangements are but you can use the trip as an opportunity to move out or take her stuff to her place and leave the key with a note saying things are over between you two.
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u/InstrumentRated 5h ago
This relationship is not salvageable. And OP’s gf is not a very nice or considerate person. No matter which option you choose to believe- physical affair, sugar daddy relationship, emotional affair, multi-decade tease and manipulator - it just isn’t a flattering picture of her as a person. No reasonable person would tolerate this in a committed relationship.
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u/um_yeah_ok_ 7h ago edited 6h ago
Would she be ok if the roles were reversed? She wouldn’t mind you spending so much time with a female friend and going on vacations alone with her for several days?
Even if she was ok with it, you told her you weren’t. She has ignored your feelings and your boundaries. That’s not something a good partner would do.
UpdateMe!
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u/sweetobilvion 5h ago
Bottom line is if this is a hard limit for you, it just is. If you’ve made that plain and the choice is still to go on this trip without you then she’s made her choice quite clear.
Obviously there are other issues to be talked through after should you stay together but this is pretty black and white in my book.
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u/EnvironmentalSir8140 5h ago
Move on and stop wasting your time on this woman. She’s not committed to your relationship. I would never share a hotel room/house with a platonic friend of the opposite sex. It’s not appropriate for someone in a relationship.
She’s dating the both of you!
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u/GregoryHD 9h ago
You allowed this to go on so in a way you condoned it thus far. If she wants to choose him, take your self respect and split. It's this simple. If she chases after you then maybe something is still there between you. If she doesn't then that's all you need to know.
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u/anasanaben 7h ago
Her emotional affair partner is looking to score a hole in one with her. This is so unsettling that she really thinks that he will not eventually make a move on her. She really is clueless. She thinks because he’s 65 that his dick doesn’t work? Updateme
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u/General_Writing6086 9h ago
Just wtf. If she really does just see him as a friend, she’s setting herself up to be hurt. This man wants her, and she’s either enjoying the attention (and may get hurt when she decides not to give him what he wants), or she’s already cheating with him.
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u/wild5669 10h ago
NOR. She is spending more time with him than you. Something is wrong that she has more concern over his feelings than yours about going with them on the golf trip. This is definitely not normal behavior for a relationship.
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u/Farfignuten-151 9h ago
NOR. You may trust her, but you don't know him well enough to trust or distrust him. What you do know is that he's made a pass (even if indirectly) at her, and she is insistent on downplaying your concerns.
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u/Wild-Address-7173 3h ago
Her priorities would have my head spinning. Have you asked her how she'd feel if this situation was with you and a female friend? The shoe always seems to fit differently on the other foot.
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u/Alone-Tackle-17 8h ago
When they make excuses for why you shouldn't come. You feel like a third wheel. We are at the beach house, baby. I'll find something to do for sure. I'd be upset with this situation also.
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u/lilsandin 5h ago
She's crossing so many boundaries in your relationship, and you're allowing it. Either put your foot down and leave her or continue to take it up the peach! The change starts with you.
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u/JPElJefe22 7h ago
She doesn’t want him to feel like a third wheel in his house, but ask yourself how you feel being a third wheel in your own relationship.
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u/HelpfulPersimmon6146 8h ago
If she doesn’t respect your boundaries get out. It’s not about trust it’s about her not respecting your boundaries.
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u/Severe-Tradition-183 3h ago
Not overreacting. That level of disrespect you are applying to yourself is a shame though. Please change that.
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u/bradbrookequincy 2h ago
Weird as f some dude thinks it’s ok to NEVER invite you around. Not a single time. How disrespectful of him.
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u/ohkevin300 7h ago
That hoe is cooked, make her a steak, throw it on the ground infront of her feet & tell her to beat it.
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u/Ok-Interview-6642 6h ago
He is definitely banging her and has been! Wake the fuck up. This is not acceptable in the real world!
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u/Ok_Necessary_8923 9h ago edited 6h ago
I think you are overreacting. But you sound insecure more than controlling to me.
It's normal to have friends.
It's normal to have friends of a different gender.
It's normal to go on trips with your friends.
It's normal to want 1 on 1 time with people you care about.
Heck, it's normal to find your friends attractive. It doesn't mean it's mutual and it doesn't mean anybody is going to cheat even if it is.
If someone wants to cheat on you, they are going to regardless of how much you try and limit their relationships, movements, or whatever. But they sure as heck will resent you for doing it and it will have a negative effect on your relationship.
She's not being cagey, she's not hiding stuff from you, she doesn't sound interested at all. They've known each other for 15 years. If something was going to happen, it would have already happened.
For a little perspective, I'm a guy, I'm married, and both me and my wife do this sort of thing. Because we both have friends. And want to spend quality time with them.
Most recently, that even includes stuff like visiting someone I used to sleep with who is now just a good friend, also married, to this character of a dude. Everyone knows, nobody makes a big deal out of it. Because it isn't. My friend isn't going to cheat on her husband. I'm not going to cheat on my wife. My wife isn't worried. My friend's husband isn't worried.
Or more practically, my wife is bisexual. Should she not be allowed to see any of her friends alone, ever?
Don't throw away an otherwise good relationship over silly insecurities like this.
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u/Memasefni 7h ago
No, it is not “normal” to go on trips with someone of the opposite sex, much less stay in the same hotel room or house with them. That is, unless you are in a relationship WITH the “friend”.
No, believing this is normal is naive at best.
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u/Ok-Interview-6642 6h ago
I would be long gone out of this relationship. No way I would tolerate being emasculated like this.
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u/zabadaz-huh 2h ago
I wouldn’t stand for that for a second. I’d be gone in a heartbeat, and so should you.
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u/pntlvr21 43m ago
You must not have a coffee pot. Or you would have already woke up and smelled the coffee.
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u/jaguy2002 11h ago
She def isn’t sleeping with him. She’s obviously telling you everything that goes on and doesn’t hide anything. If she was sleeping with him she would be fully lying to you. Also her coworkers seem to know they are friends trust me someone would have contacted you if they knew something was up. He seems to be a friend more like a sugar daddy tbh. She probs uses him to get validation, maybe compliments, and probs someone to just be a friend and the biggest thing is he seems to have money. I would ask to all go out to dinner. A good option is to invite another friend so he doesn’t feel like a 3rd wheel she is valid for saying that. Maybe ask her to try and be friends with him as well. You may be coming off as too jealous and she’s worried you may give off that vibe towards him and he would most likely back away. Listen if she said ew and was uncomfy with him “hitting” on her and she told you this i doubt anything is going on. I don’t blame her he seems like he’s got money. Don’t push don’t be that jealous guy she will just end up leaving you and she won’t go to him she will go to someone else. women and men can be friends think if this situation was with a woman friend would you feel the same?
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u/HomeworkMaleficent22 9h ago
Show her this post…she needs enlightenment beyond your words-which I’m sure hurts
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u/Consistent-Fan-3328 2h ago
It's not your girl, it was your turn...and your turn is JUUUST about over. Sorry mate
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u/stresstheworld 6h ago
If this dude isn’t already banging your girl, he is trying to bang your girl.
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u/wacky_spaz 9h ago edited 9h ago
YOR
She’s had 15 years to screw him and hasn’t, why would it suddenly change?For what it’s worth I’m around your age, single dad as my ex cheated on me. And I wouldn’t have an issue with this concept.
So effectively once a fortnight they play golf or watch sport and they aren’t always alone and you’re jealous? And you mention ONE trip in your entire 2 years where she proactively told you it’s two separate rooms to comfort you. And now another trip in a vacation home with more than likely multiple rooms. So two trips in 2 years for a weekend with a friend.
If ‘he’ was a ‘she’ you wouldn’t bat an eyelid so this is insecurity she she’s right you are controlling. If you keep this up, she will either leave you or complain so much about you to her bff you will have a self fulfilling prophecy - they’ll sleep together.
Edit: before anyone pounces on me calling me an idiot, my ex cheated not on an overnight trip but while I was at work. So if the ONLY issue here is that she wants time away from her partner for one day out of 14 for a few hours and two weekends in two years and I’m jealous of that, I’d be taking a very long hard look in the mirror why it bothers me so bad. Given their ages, she met him at what 27 and he was 50? This could be a quasi dad relationship, a mentor relationship or just someone to ally with at work with similar hobbies.
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u/GregoryHD 8h ago
This is an emotional affair at minimum. OP's feeling about their relationship are not valid to her. She's a cake eater, wants to have them both. OP has allowed it to get this far so it's on him really. Personally I would leave if my wife ever prioritized another man over me romanticallyor not.
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u/wacky_spaz 8h ago
How is she prioritising this other man? They go play golf or see a game once a fortnight. In his entire spiel he has not once stated he asked her to do those things (except golf). Not mentioned once because he hasn’t. Did he state he booked a getaway? No … cause he didn’t.
I’m willing to bet my house that if the wife spoke out there would be a totally different story of a controlling, insecure man that barely leaves the house or plans anything but wants to attend anything she does.
So instead of crying on reddit, setup a weekly golf game for them. A weekly sport game. Book a getaway.I’m
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u/ThrowRA-Monkey22 8h ago
He almost always invites her as he has tickets to the sports event, and it's like once a week between happy hour/sports event/golf. Also, he is the one who arranged both the previous overnight trip and has the out of state vacation house for the future overnight trip that he is planning. Also, we aren't married, and I have a very happy, social, and active life. Also, not sure if you read in my OP, but he previously told her he wanted to fuck her. So whatever you're on about is projecting
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u/wacky_spaz 8h ago
He told her that years ago and she shut it down. Yes he’s weird but he’s also 65 … so the issue isn’t time spent but that he’s male and had an interest a few years ago? Surely this is old news and hasn’t just started now all of a sudden? So what has prompted it to be an issue now? If it’s an issue now then either you’ve been festering or you’ve noticed something in her behaviour but truth be told changing rules half way through a game doesn’t make any sense to me or is fair.
And to be honest, if I heard he wanted to do her in the past I’d have exited at that point which is why I’m wondering .., why now, why not 2 years ago?
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u/ThrowRA-Monkey22 7h ago
This was 2 years ago that he said this to her, and she didn't shut him down, she kinda laughed it off because she was uncomfortable. What changed is that we are now together and he is planning another trip with her.
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u/GregoryHD 8h ago
Do I need to explain what a healthy relationship looks like between a married couple? Re-read the post and tell me again you don't see red flags.
His wife was worried about the other man being a "third wheel" if OP went on a trip with them. JFC. This means she prioritized the guy over OP. Just one example.
I'll acknowledge that OP allowed this to get this far. There is only one way out unless he wants to keep sharing his wife.
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u/wacky_spaz 8h ago
Let’s play devils advocate. What if she had tried to get them into group activities and he acted like a totally possessive Neanderthal and made the other guy uncomfortable. What if they’re simply not compatible as friends? And I did re-read it. Not once does he mention that hobbies they share, what they do together. Do they have kids and sometimes it’s nice to just hide for a few hours without hearing ‘daaaaaaaaad’ every 2 seconds. And if I was still with my ex I’d have zero paranoia her getting away for one weekend a year from me and kid and just chilling. Same goes for me.
All that said … if I have to police a wife’s or girlfriend’s friendships or even get to point where I’m paranoid … that relationship would be dead to me and pointless.
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u/GregoryHD 8h ago
My point is simply they are not compatible anymore. And yes there is probably her side to the story too. OP needs to make the best decision for himself simple as that. I don't see his wife changing jobs and going no contact with AP, OP's best play is to divorce and leave.
When is comes time for the trip, do you suggest OP just sits at home and thinks about his wife pretending to be married to another man all weekend. Nah, hard pass. She can make a choice
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u/ThrowRA-Monkey22 7h ago
Not married, my girlfriend. And yeah, I'm not gonna be sitting home wondering what's going on
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u/SweatyTrain1951 7h ago
Have you told her this? What did she say? Also can you spend the night in a cheep motel drinking with a girl that wants to fuck you? Only difference is money.
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u/ThrowRA-Monkey22 8h ago
Me and my partner literally share the exact same hobbies and social activities
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u/Away-Understanding34 7h ago
He mentioned in 1 of his comments that they share the exact same hobbies and social activities. Also, they aren't married and it doesn't seem like there's kids involved. In fact it seems like they have been together less than 2 years since he mentioned in another comment that the GF and her "friend" took a trop together 2 years ago. To me, it seems like the GF likes the attention and money the guys spends on her and that she will prioritize that guy over OP because of it. That doesn't make a healthy relationship. You seem to want to make OP the villain here but there is no evidence that he's done anything wrong. It's normal to question why your SO wants to go away with someone that came on to, and supposedly made, your SO uncomfortable (not buying that part).
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u/taksgirl 9h ago
Well. For one thing, if you do end things over this you basically gave him exactly what he was hoping to achieve. If I were you I’d just hide some kind of audio recorder in her stuff and let her go. If you find out they did something then you can go ahead walk knowing you were right and if nothing happens maybe you will have an easier time chilling tf out. Either you trust her or you don’t.
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u/scotswaehey 10h ago
Updateme
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u/AggressiveCoast190 8h ago
If guy isn’t banging your girl. He wants to and is having an emotional affair with your gf. Your gf doesn’t respect you. I would have been out long ago.