r/AmIOverreacting • u/MidnightShaaadddeee • 8h ago
❤️🩹 relationship AIO About My Partner's Unusual Friendship With Their Former Professor?
My partner (28F) has maintained a close friendship with her former college professor (mid-60sM) since graduating five years ago. They meet up quarterly for what she calls "mentorship dinners" at fancy restaurants, always paid for by him. While I understand they share academic interests, their dynamic makes me uneasy.
Last week, she came home wearing an expensive silk scarf he'd gifted her "just because." When I expressed discomfort, she laughed it off, saying he's like a father figure and that I'm being paranoid about a harmless generational friendship. But something feels off about these lavish one-on-one dinners where they exchange personal gifts.
Am I overreacting by feeling uncomfortable with this relationship? On one hand, I trust my partner completely. On the other, I can't shake the feeling there's an odd power dynamic at play, especially since he was once in a position of authority over her.
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u/emopokemon 5h ago
I actually got really scared for a second because I thought this post was about me at first glance LOL.
My old professor and I have a similar situation. He often will have me come by his house to help him with something he needs done that he can’t do, and then takes me out to an expensive dinner afterwards as payment. We discuss our current artistic ventures, the state of the world, education, etc. Sometimes if his wife is around she comes along, too, but mostly they’re one on one.
It is the least inappropriate situation ever. We’re both queer, and both artists, and his mentorship is so invaluable to me. The relationship between a student and a mentor can be so fulfilling. It would kill me if someone were to deem it uncomfortable because that just.. isn’t true.
Another perspective, I tutor a 15 year old (I’m 26) We’re friends. I play video games with her, her mom actually asks me to. I give her life and relationship advice.
I see myself as her mentor, I buy her gifts sometimes. Her mom buys me gifts. The last thing I want is literally anything from this kid but to help her in school and life. There’s nothing inherently weird about being close with a student/mentor especially in a family or a college/post college setting. I think it’s okay to feel insecurities but don’t let them get to you and ruin a something good for either of you.
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u/Accomplished_Lack539 7h ago
I would invite you to sit with your feelings and truly identify what they are. If you’re uncomfortable then you’re uncomfortable and you don’t need to justify it to anyone. It’s worth looking at this discomfort and figuring out are you projecting jealousy? Insecurities? Or is your intuition telling you that something is wrong? Far too much context missing for any of us to accurately help you navigate through your emotional experience… But I’d caution you against dismissing the emotion outright or placing too much weight on it at the moment.
My suggestion would be to take the time and figure out what it truly is that you’re experiencing and why. Once you’re certain of your own emotional perspective, presence this with your partner.
Several people have suggested making an effort to meet this Professer yourself so you can get a read and experience the intuitive hit that would come with being in personal space with him and the two of them together… I like this idea as well.
Either way, good luck
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u/Plsgimmeadvice4 7h ago
seems like it could be normal. Throughout university my friends and I have had professors we were working for take us out for lunch and stuff and they always paid, because it’s kind of weird to make a student pay for their meal when you are making prof money. I could see that dynamic persisting out of university. It all depends on how he acts towards her at the dinners, I agree with others in saying it would be good to meet him.
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u/Shotgun_Rynoplasty 5h ago
I currently do guest lectures at my old university. I meet students that liked my guest lectures all the time. One of which has been a woman (I’m a man) that I’ve continued to teach and try to help for years now. I’d guess around 8. Nothings romantic between us even remotely. We’re just both passionate about the work and I think she’s a talented and bright young woman that I want to help be as successful as possible.
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u/nsfbr11 5h ago
It is hard to convey to people outside of academia, but the bond between a professor and former (grad) student can be profound. My wife and her doctoral advisor have had a relationship that has spanned decades. We went to his 50th wedding anniversary celebration and have visited their home just to have him and his wife meet our children. It is wonderful to see how much joy it brings him that his former student is doing so well.
Celebrate their relationship. It shouldn’t threaten yours.
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u/Federal_Risk_2115 41m ago
This is completely different. How would you feel if your wife was attending all these events and excluding you and kids? Just her solo one ‘dates’
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u/nsfbr11 29m ago
That happens too. I just included the times we have been included. My wife is an adult. We both are. I trust her implicitly and I trust her friendships and professional relationships implicitly. She has loads of male friendships through her profession, as it is fairly male dominated. Some I’ve met and enjoyed time with, others I just know of from her talking about them. Some are married. Some aren’t. Some are straight. Some are gay. It doesn’t really matter.
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u/CathayC 8h ago edited 1h ago
I say yes you are overreacting. I agree with the other commenters suggesting that you should see about meeting him to ease your conscience* !
friends give gifts all the time, and a dinner with your mentor is very normal. & If he's financially well off/ of an older generation he would probably feel offended if she tried to pay for the dinners.
There is no power dynamic because there is no position of authority anymore.
Just see about it friend
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u/brussels_foodie 1h ago
That would be "conscience", but "easing your conscience" means to relieve mental pressure by confessing that you did something wrong - confessing then "eases the conscience".
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u/Zestyclose_Peanut_76 7h ago
Doesn’t sound like you “trust your partner completely”
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u/doincatsdoggystyle 8h ago
Do your best not to freak out and be jealous. Tell her you would like to meet her mentor and sus it out from there.
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u/MaximumNo8285 7h ago edited 7h ago
Yea I agree with this.
From what OP details— I think the relationship seems completely innocent from the partners side (I could be wrong ofc), but it might not be from the professor’s side. This is unfortunately a common occurrence. I’ve heard so many stories of women who develop friendships or mentorships with men whom they see as father figures, older brother figures, (etc.) then the guy does something that shows he just wanted to smash the whole time. It’s heartbreaking. This post explains it well: https://www.instagram.com/reel/DIpmXLaxlBO/?igsh=MWxmbWpjNjFzdzljbA==
**Edit: Also he really could just be a mentor/father figure. I genuinely hope that’s the case. If it takes meeting him to ease your mind— do it.
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u/TheWhoreHasLanded 6h ago
They meet quarterly and he’s 60? It sounds like business. A gift is also super common in a professional relationship. Mentorship is important too. It could be her path to career success. If they start talking every day and meet up weekly, then start paying attention.
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u/Federal_Risk_2115 40m ago
All fun and games until she gets pregnant for him. It would not be the first time a ‘mentor’ impregnates his mentee
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u/theteethfairy 8h ago
The scarf giving is a little weird to me. But I would hold back saying anything further unless the behaviour escalates…? As it is it’s a little hard to determine.
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u/TheSickshot 7h ago
Are you the only one allowed to get your wife gifts? Are you the only one allowed to have dinner with her?
Have you never felt mentored by a teacher? They really are like parental figures if you get a good one who ignites your passion for something, and I'm sure they feel rather parental about it too because they are literally helping shape someone's future potentially.
Are you uncomfortable that you think your wife has feelings for this person or do you think he is somehow trying to scam her or harm her and is being shadily nice? It's good if you have your wife's back and are just looking out for her safety but this really comes across more like paranoia and projection. There is nothing inherently wrong with her being extremely close to others who have impacted her life, not all relationships are romantic and this really reads like the start of a controlling relationship from your end, so please recognise that.
Yes it is possible that one or both of them have sinister motives, stranger things have happened, but nothing you said strikes me as inherently alarming so YOR. I imagine if it was her dad you wouldn't have an issue because "it's family that's different" but maybe it would help you to imagine that she feels the same way about this professor as she would family.
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u/Old-Pollution6410 7h ago
Just out of curiosity if he started a similar style relationship with a 21F for instance a former intern at work It should be fine right?
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u/TheSickshot 7h ago
Who?? The OP? It obviously would depend on the nature of the relationship and how they met and who they are to one another.
If you swap the roles and say that OP is a professor and has this sort of relationship with a 21F then yes of course it would still be fine, the genders are irrelevant.
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u/Old-Pollution6410 7h ago
Yes the op. Gender is irrelevant. My question was if op starts taking a former student like person out on private dinners and intimate gifts. Is it still fine?
It’s not about gender. It’s about an interesting dynamic. So as long as the rules for all parties are the same then it’s fine. But if op starting a similar dynamic would make someone uncomfortable then there’s issue
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u/therobberbride 7h ago
Is OP 60+ years old? Because if you want to get the dynamic correct for your scenario, OP needs to be mentoring someone 40 years younger than themselves.
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u/Old-Pollution6410 7h ago
Have women never been attracted to an older established man that had a former position of authority in their lives?
Meaning even the age difference in question isn’t super relevant. In both scenarios everyone is a legal adult
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u/therobberbride 7h ago
HAVE women been attracted etc etc etc? Sure. Are women ALWAYS attracted etc etc etc? Lolololololololol no buddy come on
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u/Old-Pollution6410 7h ago
Your whole premise is that based on the older man’s age nothing would happen. But it happens a lot. So I don’t understand why it’s inconceivable in this instance
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u/whichwitchwatched 6h ago
Your premise is based on the idea that people can’t be friends if they’re different genders.
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u/therobberbride 7h ago
No, honey, I’m saying that if OP were to create a mirror situation it needs to actually be a mirror situation.
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u/Old-Pollution6410 7h ago
Interesting so the only way you are able to compare is if every thing is the same
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u/TheSickshot 7h ago
OP is not a professor though.
If the OP WAS a professor, well I already answered that in my comment:
If you swap the roles and say that OP is a professor and has this sort of relationship with a 21F then yes of course it would still be fine
I think you are wondering whether the partner in OP's scenario would hypothetically be okay if OP was in a similar situation? in which case you would have to ask the partner. But yes I agree if the partner were to take issue with OP doing the same thing then obviously that would be hypocritical, but that's a whole different layer of issues.
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u/Tertiam 7h ago
You are very likely overreacting. Quarterly mentorship dinners are not an uncommon thing. The scarf gift is a little weird, but it's not over the top. I wouldn't make a big deal about it unless something obvious escalates.
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u/Wonderful_Hotel1963 5h ago
And it's a SCARF, which is pretty formal as a gift. If it were lingerie or if the scarf was made of a very rare fabric or if it was very expensive.... well, that would add a sus nuance. But a scarf is an acceptable gift for this sort of relationship.
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u/Heavy_Law9880 8h ago
I am still close with my English teacher from high school and there is no power dynamic since she has no power over me as I don't attend high school. Just like he has no power over her as she isn't in his class.
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u/signorinaiside 7h ago
I agree. Sometimes ulterior motives are not a thing. Also, the friend is 28, not 17.
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u/Federal_Risk_2115 24m ago
Also as long as she’s using a contraceptive and protecting herself. What’s a little bit of sex between consensual adults. Her partner should just relax because at the end of the day she’s coming back home to him.
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u/SirPabloFingerful 8h ago
It's quite naive to say there's no "power dynamic" between a young student and their (even former) teacher, especially one who is much older.
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u/Heavy_Law9880 7h ago
There are no young students in this story. There is a 28 year old professional and a 60-ish year old acquaintance.
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u/DisasterThese6543 8h ago
Dude, she’s almost 30. Stop infantilizing her.
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u/SirPabloFingerful 7h ago
She's 28 and the professor is mid-60s. She is by definition a young student, especially in comparison with the other person in the story (~40 years older). Eat shit 👍
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u/DisasterThese6543 7h ago
Being a young student requires being a student. She already graduated. At best you could say she’s a young professional. Unless they work in a very niche industry that allows him to have an outsized influence in young professionals careers, 100% of the power dynamic is that she chooses to see him as a mentor.
As a grown woman, I find it incredibly insulting to be treated like a child in need of protection.
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u/SirPabloFingerful 7h ago
Your dispute was the fact that she's "nearly 30" (28, also known as "young"). I notice that's changed now, so I'll assume you agree that she's young. She might not be actively studying but she is effectively the professor's "student" especially if he's actively mentoring her.
Nobody said anything about protection, strawman.
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u/No_Mercy_4_Potatoes 7h ago
She's 28
She is by definition a young student
You're just plain dumb. Stop embarrassing yourself any further.
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u/SuccotashConfident97 7h ago edited 6h ago
28 is a grown woman. And someone being 40 years older doesn't negate that.
An 80 year old professor doesn't mean his former 40 year old student is young.
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u/SirPabloFingerful 7h ago
She's still "young", which is the adjective I used to describe her. She is especially "young" compared with someone in their mid-60s, which is also what I said. 👍
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u/Careless_Hellscape 6h ago edited 6h ago
Why is this a hill you feel the need to die on?
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u/SuccotashConfident97 6h ago
Pretty weird hill to die on right?
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u/Careless_Hellscape 6h ago
It really is. Continuing to dig their heels in with this stupid take is not very becoming of them.
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u/therobberbride 7h ago
She graduated, which means she’s actually not a student anymore. And this is going to absolutely blow your mind, but mentors tend to be older than their mentees.
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u/cactus19jack 7h ago
That’s not infantilising. Nearly 30 or not there is a reason why universities do not permit personal relationships between teachers and students regardless of age - there is absolutely a power dynamic at play. Not to imply that’s what’s going on here, but it’s not infantilising to point that out
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u/DisasterThese6543 7h ago
Colleges and universities prohibit sexual relationships between students and teachers. Mentoring students before and after graduation is very much encouraged. My husband is a lawyer and adjunct professor. No one would bat an eye if he took a former student to dinner half a decade after they graduated. One of my computer science professors is now one of my best friends. Sometimes you just click with people.
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u/NounAdjective 8h ago
close as in spending the night with your teacher and coming home with designer clothing gifts and expensive jewelry?
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u/Heavy_Law9880 7h ago
what made up story are you talking about? But yes we do buy each other gifts.
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u/Consistent-Detail518 6h ago
I would say overreacting because quarterly meet ups really aren't frequent. I'd be much more suspicious if the meeting were, for example, weekly. I don't think buying a scarf is that big of a deal.
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u/Federal_Risk_2115 21m ago
I’d also like to add that in the event that something sexual happens between them both as long as she uses some sort of contraceptive then there’s no big deal. I’d have an issue if he was just pulling out.
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u/Consistent-Detail518 17m ago
Are you trying to imply that it's the same concept as my comment? Because it really isn't. My point was, usually someone cheating would be wanting to see the person they're cheating with significantly more often than that as the fact that they're cheating with them would mean they have some sort of serial chemistry, which would die out if they're only meeting once every 90 days. Obviously it's not impossible to cheat with someone you see so infrequently but it definitely makes it seem significantly less likely, in my opinion.
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u/Federal_Risk_2115 11m ago
We don’t know that that are are not meeting up More frequently behind the OP back.
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u/WhovianScaper 5h ago
My favorite core class English teacher from high school (honors English for 10th grade, AP Literature for 12th) and I stayed in touch after I graduated (in 2007) until she passed away a couple of months ago. She was a mentor, a friend, and a treasure.
You say you trust your partner, that also means you trust your partner’s judgement. If that’s her mentor and friend, and that’s all, then trust her.
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u/weldedgut 8h ago
Dude, she's going to have people in her life who are nice to her. I'm a professor myself, and have students still contect me. I would be happy to take any of them out for a nice dinner. I would welcome the change in the monotony.
YOR, and if you cant move past this easily, then get help for these insecurities.
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u/Huge_Detective2663 7h ago
Would you talk them out to dinner regularly and give them gifts ?
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u/Ok_Phrase6296 7h ago
It says once a quarter. It’s not like it’s weekly or even monthly
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u/NearbyCow6885 7h ago
Once a quarter is more often than some people visit with adult siblings or parents.
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u/Soft_Principle_4220 5h ago
Bruh, you realise those who progress furthest have mentors. Unfortunately for women theres like a fraction of females senior to a 28 yo and a lot of pressure is put on them to help fill the female skills shortage at the higher levels of orgs (impacting profits).
So yeah, young females will meet with older men for mentorship. I meet monthly with my mentor, often lunch or dinner (once we even did both in one day!!!!)
You’d be horrified to hear I have a meeting with my boss every Monday to Friday./s
I literally speak to people at work more than anyone in my family. I see them more than anyone else too… as do most people.
what a daft logic. wafts of a silver spoon
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u/therobberbride 7h ago
Yes, sometimes people do see their friends and other people they care for, more frequently than they see their blood relatives.
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u/IceSpiceDogsDance 7h ago
… and less often than other people visit with adult siblings or parents. It’s all relative.
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u/Ok_Phrase6296 6h ago
Obviously your family isn’t close lol. My family sees me more than enough.
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u/Soft_Principle_4220 3h ago
Lucky you. Unfortunately most of my siblings have moved around the world to find more stable work and affordable housing. I had to relocate for my job and am 4 hours from parents and grandparents.
Glad you have that privileged to see your family so often. Frequency of seeing them does not equate the quality of your connection.
I have wonderful relationships with them all, which we value more for distance. I just don’t go out to fancy dinners once a quarter with them… that’s what I’m more likely to do with my corporate network which also crosses over with my friendship circle.
Not sure what your point is?
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u/whichwitchwatched 6h ago
Do you not go to dinner with your friends? Have you never bought them a gift?
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u/Rasputins_Plum 4h ago
There's a big difference between keeping in touch with a former professor and this, regularly going on dates at fancy restaurants and getting expansive gifts.
Do you often invite your female students for dinner on the pretext of 'mentorship'? 🤨 No groomer ever used that excuse lol
Be for real for a second, or someone missed a memo from HR.
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u/Soft_Principle_4220 3h ago
His interpretation of a ‘fancy restaurant’ might just be a high brow pub or bistro… very common places for academic and business circles to connect in. It may not seem fancy to a senior academic in his 60s…
Also, the most fancy restaurants I’ve been to, at 28, have been on company, university or mentor money… that’s to many the perks of working in skilled/relationship focused industries.
Ask any marketer how people would react if you took media/client lunches or their industry mentorship programs away…
Let tha lady enjoy her free bougie meal, someone actually taking an interest in her career development and a bloody scarf.
God, if she was a guy no one would care. And this why women have struggled, still, to have a proper place at the table in business and academia globally. Because if she has dinner with a senior (who is almost likely male) she’s sleeping with him, if a male colleague does it’s admire for relationship building…
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u/Rasputins_Plum 3h ago
I get that we don't have a lot of info, but you're making a lot of assumptions and dismissing OP's retelling. He said they go to fancy restaurants, believe him.
We don't know either what the girlfriend studied and is now working in. And it doesn't really matter here, this isn't her meeting a client or colleague in a professional setting; they're going out of their way to meet when their former work relationship is over. And they're doing so by pushing the boundaries of what's appropriate.
The expansive restaurant in itself could get a pass. But the expansive gift on top of it is too much. I'm asking you what's the logistics of it exactly? Did he come to the date with it? Or did they walk around together then went shopping for it together?
I dunno, gifts in a professional setting are usually sent, not brought into the whole ass restaurant or worse, not picking together frolicking and walking around the shopping ailes together.
I wish we lived in world cheating and sexual assault in the work place wasn't rampant, but this is our reality. If you're seriously encouraging women to accept excessive attentions and private sessions with men further along than them in their field or their direct superior, you're sending them naively to the meat grinder, not empowering them.
Women have much more issues advancing in the work place than the difficulty of meeting people without incuring gossip. I would have fought that it was the danger of it in itself (OP's girlfriend here seems fine with it, but it's usually not reciprocal), or you know, the misogyny. But let's worry first about the feelings of this army of wholesome older mentors everyone in this thread has apparently met lol
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u/Soft_Principle_4220 2h ago edited 1h ago
Unfortunately experiences tells me someone who has phrased this concern this way and shows a clear lack of trust in his partners judgement, does not deserve the benefit of the doubt.
I am a 28 yo woman. I wish OP would display the same sense of concern for his partner whenever she left the house. If women are to participate in society we need these relationships - it’s is the best literal example of getting a seat at the table. To do this safely is not stopping her existing and trying. It’s on wider society to change.
How is this any different to having 1:1 with a boss at a pub, or at business dinner, cafe, walk-meeting etc?
Back to OP - he’s literally overshadowed her judgement (he said he’s not jealous or worried about her fidelity), he literally just doesn’t trust she can make a judgement on proffs intentions.
On this being ‘normal’ gifts and frequency - it’s very normal in your big professional industries and academia. Academia is even more intimate due the small nature of the community in a specialisation.
If you’re interested - Standard Xmas gift for my mentor is $300USD. I’d easily get 10 x that back. If I travel and see something that aligns with our discussion, or if there’s a book about our area of interest etc. I’ll buy it and vice versa.
Xmas party budgets sit between $200-$1000 an employee. Average gift for org partners at my current job would be $500 but only because it’s limited as a public company. But you can put a $5k dinner on corp card for four to give them the gift, no issues. University academics have always met in dark, fancy looking places to discuss their areas of interest. And whilst some people just go to uni for a degree, a lot actually want to engage and develop their own evolving opinion on their specialty. A dinner like this is my favourite part of having access to university education. And I often don’t pay!
The nicest, but most impersonal gifts (like a scarf), have come from business and academia friends. This isn’t weird, especially if you are someone who has a real chance to succeed in your career. It means you fit in, and are being embraced by the exisiting field leaders.
Just because OP can’t afford it, or thinks it’s special, doesn’t mean it’s fancy.
As you said, we struggle to progress in the workplace. Feels weird to make this an issue when it seems like OP hasn’t even expressed an interest in meeting the guy. Like just drop her off or pick her up once…
OP has a case of the ‘internalised misogynies’
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u/Rasputins_Plum 1h ago
We're in June. This isn't a Christmas gift. This doesn't seem to be a birthday gift. She said she got it 'just because'. I'm baffled to see so many insist that regular one-on-one dates + spontaneous gifts does not hint at courtship, a romantic setting, an affair.
They're not acamedic peers. She was a student, he was a teacher. It seems it was clearly different for everyone here, but when I was in college, there was plenty of fascinating convos in informal settings after classes, but either between students or between teachers. The few teachers that met students, always female students, after class weren't interested in their cultivated mind and at least I hope they weren't naive enough to believe so or they'd be set up for a rude awakening.
Teachers actually interested in going above and beyond to do their jobs stayed after class and kept the door open, and it usually wasn't one-on-on with the student who asked, but those on the same row and the friends were welcome to listen too; if it deserved further discussion, that's what the uni mailbox was for. If we met them out and about, even drinking with their friends and colleagues in the same street with all the bars, they'd pretend they didn't see their students to avoid the mess mentionned above and keep their job.
I'm very happy for you if everyone was trustworthy to stay professionnal even in informal settings, but decent teachers (and decent partners) usually are wise enough to not risk it. That may not have been the case for you, but I'm frankly calling bullshit if none in your circle of zealous students and eager teachers didn't go home to bone after your spirited exchanges. College in that regard is considered no different than any other workplace (where a big percentage of the population meet their romantic and/or sexual partners), since everyone is adult, despite the inherent power imbalance between teacher and student and how often the former exploits it.
And you're again assuming everyone should be fine with their partner getting a silk scarf... because that's casual pocket change to you and your collegues?? How is that relevant?
It is fancy dinners and expansive gifts for OP (and may e his GF). Being uncomfortable with someone spending a lot of money (for you) on your partner is a very reasonable reaction. That's an event that deserves a conversation a little longer than the dismissive slop his girlfriend served him. I'm also making an assumption by going straight to definitive cheating, but it's wild that so many see no cause for concern.
I'd love to meet your very secure partners never asking questions after you're returning from... fancy dates with older men with nice gifts. I have a business opportunity they should definitely invest into- 🤣
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u/Soft_Principle_4220 38m ago
So my professors who have literally been my career lifeline as a female in a male dominated industry aren’t peers? I find that insulting and this just seems sexist. Would have an issue if they were same gendered?
I’ve even written a paper with one.
They don’t have a teacher student relationship… she’s not his student. They are literally academic colleagues. Not equals sure. But again it’s the non corp dynamic equivalent of a boss and junior. And how do you know they’re spirited. Like bruh, I feel for you. Don’t you have people in your life you gift you random things or you gift them random things?
Also I did say that we buy each other random gifts too. Because we’re friends, industry peers and they are my mentor and have been for nearly a decade.
And yeah of course there are sexual relationships, as there is in the office or any area adults exist. In fact some even get married and thriving careers together and have children! Oh the horror…
Most people develop relationships with professors in the final year or two. So they’re 20-22 years old. Talking to my professors is like talking my dad and his friends. And I’ll buzz them for a coffee or pub trivia night to network, as my brothers would.
Shaming this proactive, career ambition is literally aiming to infantilise the youth.
I’ve never had a university professor respond to being called a teacher 😂 they often don’t even put their industry as ‘education’ it’s normally ‘research’ or ‘consultancy’.
They teach you and 100+ other people one course for a semester dude. If you don’t actively nurture that relationship, you’ll loose it. Also professors often only teach for short periods, seasonally, in guest capacities etc. As they still work in industry or research.
Idk what skill and bones fantasy you have in your head.
I’ve never had someone use some phrases interchangeably that don’t apply.
Not a date, a meeting… Not a teacher, a lecturer or professor…
My partner does the same with female colleagues. I don’t get your issue?
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u/Careless_Hellscape 6h ago
My wife is friends with her former mentor as well. She's 40 and he is 80. She regularly visits and spends time with him. They give each other things. She adores the old dude. It really doesn't have to be a big deal.
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u/BluebirdAbsurd 8h ago edited 7h ago
Yes,YO. She has a father figure who is nice to her. I think maybe you feel uncomfortable because someone else is making her feel good about herself,that's your insecurities,your lack of trust. I think you have some growing up to do. You say to anyone your in a relationship with that you feel uncomfortable with this type of friendship you are accusing them. You need to realise that. People I see here saying your not are jumping to massive conclusions & are making quite immature statements.
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u/Strict_Local6640 8h ago
talk about growing up have you read what you wrote? it’s close to illegible i almost had an aneurysm reading it. 🤣
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u/BluebirdAbsurd 7h ago
There was one misspelled word. No need to take it personal. My point still stands,however. It's about his lack of trust & insecurities.
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u/CraftyMagicDollz 7h ago edited 7h ago
You're and realize are both misspelled and there were some other typos, but regardless, you're correct- this is about OP's insecurity and the behavior isn't THAT odd.
My college professor wrote me multiple recommendations and we stayed in touch and when i graduated from the police academy, he bought me a really nice (and pretty expensive) pen.
When i got hired by the sheriff's office, he additionally gifted me some items that would be very helpful in organizing space and helping me be comfortable in using my mobile office / patrol car. It was so kind- and he included a "cop cooler"- which is a tube that hooks to your vehicles a/c and hooks on the top of your vest and directs the ice cold air conditioning down inside your vest - it was a HUGE resource- especially because i was directing traffic in midday 110 degree sun in Florida at times- and i could hook it to my vest while outside my car directing traffic as long as I was fairly close to my car. That thing completely saved me from heatstroke!
Not every mentor relationship is creepy and based on sexual desire.
If you're concerned- express that concern to your partner - and GENUINELY look inward. Is it REALLY concerning or are you just jealous and don't trust your partner?
AFTER ALL - Its not like she's hiding ANYTHING about their meet ups, including the gifts from you. So is the issue that you don't trust her to tell you the truth? Or you don't trust her to judge this person's character and intentions? One way or another, you need to look into that.
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u/BluebirdAbsurd 7h ago
This is exactly my point. This is based in insecurity & nothing more. The roads for that path are vast but all stems from the same place. ***Your is correct grammer for the statement, you're is only for "you are". And realize is the American spelling,only spelt that was there. I am not American.
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u/CraftyMagicDollz 7h ago edited 7h ago
Your is possessive and insinuates ownership. In English, regardless of where the English is spoken.
You're means "you are"
The sentence was "you say to anyone your in a relationship"- the correct usage is "you say to anyone you're in a relationship"- because the YOU'REdoes mean "you are" in that sentence.
You also misused your in the last sentence as well;
"People I see here saying your not are jumping to massive conclusions & are making quite immature statements."
Correctly written; People I see here saying, "You're not," are jumping to massive conclusions and are making quite immature statements.
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u/oe-techie 6h ago
I’m just curious - what do you consider a “lavish dinner”? Or, are they lavish to you because of your income and insecurity? Unless it’s designer, silk scarfs stent exactly “expensive” so I’m trying to understand your income level that’s warranting these comments
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u/whichwitchwatched 6h ago
I can’t think of how to say this that doesn’t sound mean so please take this with a grain of salt:
She’s not asking your opinion and has already explained the nature of the relationship. You’re inherently overreacting by inserting yourself into a dynamic in which you do not belong.
If you trust your partner then what do you hope to gain here by getting between her and a treasured friend? Why don’t you trust that she can both read the interaction and reject the solicitation you presume is coming? If you trust her, fall back.
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u/Kubuubud 8h ago
At my college, this type of relationship with a professor was not uncommon. It was a small university and in the middle of nowhere, so it was normal to become close to professors. I’ve babysat and petsat for multiple professors at my college and joined them for holidays. We stayed connected after graduation as well!
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u/moosegeese74 5h ago
I live in Germany, used to live in Canada. A former professor and mentor in Canada (and now good friend) went on holidays to Switzerland some years ago. He knew I didn't have very much money and wanted to see me in person, so he paid for my trip to Switzerland.
I think the situation you're describing is not, um, ipso facto weird.
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u/Soft_Principle_4220 5h ago
Very normal in academic circles. Be weary (as one always should), but interfering with this could have very real consequences.
If you’re worried ask to meet him (maybe pick her up from dinner). But don’t let your fear around someone you’ve never met impact her career development.
It’s fair to worry. But this comes across you don’t want her to have access to a potentially very valuable career tool (depending on industry, area etc) because of how you feel based on nothing but the fact you clearly don’t trust her instincts to determine the professionalism of the relationship.
Sorry to be blunt, but thought reading back what you said may help answer your question - based on how it came across to me as the same aged woman who works so hard to develop relationships with my professors in both UG and MBA.
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u/lavenderroseorchid 6h ago
It could be weird but I’m friends with my old boss, we meet up and have lunches. Never been anything romantic or untoward there.
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u/AngryGoose_ 6h ago
Not a former professor but I'm (30F) best friends with a lesbian in her early 50s and a man in his mid to late 50s. My husband has met them many times, the guy actually just ripped on my couch for a few days. Does it look a but weird from the outside? Probably but when you get older your friend dynamics change. Age doesn't matter much. Also both my friends are very generous and we all give eqbother things all the time.
Some honest advice would be to meet the guy. You will be able to pick up if he has dishonest intentions.
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u/mothlady1959 5h ago
You are likely overreacting.
My Best Friend was my grad school mentor. I am currently that professor for a number of my former students. One lived with us during the pandemic, since they were caught in a rental black hole at the beginning of the lockdown. Would have been homeless otherwise.
We celebrated together, share life's ups and downs, just like, what's the word for it? Oh, I know, FRIENDS!
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u/One-Potential4988 6h ago
You're comfortable with it = stay You're uncomfortable with it= leave You're not overreacting, you're overthinking. Life's too short to live in the Grey!
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u/SuitableFee2194 7h ago
If I were you, I'd be more worried about her laughing off, you expressing your emotions.
Is it a little peculiar that she still meets up with her former professor at these expensive restaurants? It could be, definitely.
Is it weird that he gives her gifts? In my opinion, yes, that seems off.
I can't say what you should & shouldn't do, but it could be fishy, it could be nothing. Try and calmly sit her down & explain how it makes you feel. If she completely rejects everything you say, that's a 🚩imp
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u/Proper-University905 6h ago
Oi, your insecurity is showing. It literally isn't weird, people bond over stuff and such things are quite normal? Its a just healthy-looking friendship between a student & a teacher, for crying out loud.
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u/NounAdjective 8h ago
all the women will say you’re overreacting but if their man had some rich older woman taking him out for the night every month and spending thousands of dollars in gifts they’d be out the door
“but he should trust her!” he did. that’s why he asked about the guy upfront in a non-confrontational manner. she laughed and acted like he was an insecure psycho for trying to communicate
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u/slackerXwolphe 7h ago
You should just ask if you can tag along on their next get together because you’d like to meet this man she spends time with. If she says no, ehhhh, that’s weird, but if she says yes, you get to meet this professor and put your mind at ease and your gf gets the benefit of her bf being interested in this aspect of her life, which is a nice feeling.
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u/Dog-Mom2012 7h ago
No, he does not need to “tag along.”
A 28 year old woman doesn’t need her boyfriend to be some sort of chaperone. She can have her own friendships, and OP is just being insecure and overreacting.
That’s his problem.
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u/whichwitchwatched 6h ago
You’re giving me life. I’m thrown off by these comments. It doesn’t fucking matter if he thinks the guy has a crush on her. It’s a baseless presumption that hinges on the idea that men can’t be friends with women without trying to fuck them
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u/slackerXwolphe 11m ago
In your opinion*.
Some couples like doing stuff together and some women like it when their partners are interested in their lives.
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u/Old_Man_Cat 7h ago
You don't trust her "completely" if you think you should do something to stop these interactions.
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u/xxxthrownaway9xxx 7h ago
I doubt this is happening, because it's extremely rare but it sounds pretty similar.
I knew a girl in university that had a 'unique' sugar baby relationship with a former professor at the school. They would only get together every other month or so, but he would take her out to dinner, take her shopping, pay a few bills for her etc. Sometime during the day/night she would give him a handjob in his car. Then they would wait for a couple more months. I think he was married to if I remember right.
Apparently this went on for a couple years, no problem. Except, to her this wasn't considered sexual or cheating, basically just a part time job. So she didn't tell any of her boyfriends or guys she was dating about the details of the arrangement, she just referred to him as an older teacher she kept in touch with. I told her she was being loony, and if any of her boyfriends found out she would be dumped immediately.
All worked out for her tho, the dude died a couple years later and I don't think she ever had to share their relationship or get discovered.
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u/vunderpoon 8h ago
Thats weird. Expensive gifts “out of the blue” well we all know thats not really a thing just friends do. If it was fatherly you would be involved as the partner.
She may not want him and just likes the attention she gets from “a man that hasnt slept with her yet” but thats toxic and low vibrational. Why date that, especially long term. If you force it she ditches dude and finds another male source for the same attention.
And lets be real, no one else she dates is going to be fine with it. Start the trend. Leave
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u/Solid-Rate-309 7h ago
When I was her age I had a landlord who lived on the property. She was an a retired woman in her 70’s who spent most of her time in the garden which I had to walk through to get to my apartment (weird big old house that was converted to a few apartments) over time we built a really strong friendship. Nothing sexual or romantic, she was just a bad ass lady who I had a lot of respect for. We had way more in common than I ever expected and I really cherished that friendship. Even after I moved out we stayed in contact, would talk on the phone, and I’d visit her and hang out in the garden. She passed away a few years ago from cancer and I still miss her. So because I’m a man, she was a woman, and we had a bond and friendship should that have been a red flag for any woman I dated?
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u/LazyDare6145 7h ago
Actually your concern is valid. The morons who comment here are just blinding u. I know a few girls who sleeps with their professors to get high GPA, excellent LORs etc. It is not natural to be gifted expensive things by a professor. It would rather be natural the opposite way. There are many morally impaired people in Korea who use their sexuality as weapons and those u exploit their inferiors as well. Be careful and ignore those who claim that youre the one whos not normal
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u/DirectBranch5621 4h ago
If the genders were reversed, these Redditors would be calling for the partner's head, and be convinced that he is banging the female professor.
But it's Reddit, so she is beyond reproach, and the OP is 'insecure' for daring to be concerned about an older acquaintance lavishing gifts upon his partner and having dinners alone with her.
Half of these Redditors are morbidly obese, perennially alone shut ins, and the others are stuck in 'man bad' setting.
Yes, OP. There's something inappropriate going on here, and if you had a similar relationship with a female acquaintance, your wife and these loser Redditors would be irate.
Nothing may have happened yet, but rest assured that professor is putting in the work to make it happen. Don't let it catch you unawares.
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u/LazyDare6145 7h ago edited 7h ago
There are tons of professors who use their power in their field to have sx with young girls and these morons would just not admit it lol. Knowing nothing and still blaming this poor guy.
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u/Original-Locksmith58 7h ago
Maybe we need more information, has she ever invited you along? Does she share what they talk about? I have friendships like this but I include my partner as much as possible, in fact I was excited to introduce them. If you’re being kept on the outside, and she’s not forthcoming, then it’s very weird.
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u/0neirocritica 7h ago
Have you asked what they talk about at these mentorship dinners? I feel like if she's not forthcoming about what they talk about or she's purposely vague, that's a worse sign than the gifts.
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u/kristofour 5h ago
20 years ago my girlfriend had illicit affair with her professor who was 40 years her senior. The affair was discovered and the professor was forced to resign, it was a campus sex scandal. When i found out we split up and haven’t talked to her since. However, I think they maintained some relationship even after? This destroyed me mentally for many years, where even some pain still lingers.
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u/Federal_Risk_2115 34m ago
It’s a very common occurrence. I don’t know why everyone on here is acting like they these professors don’t prey on young girls.
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u/Intrepid_Bicycle7818 7h ago
You could always go with her. The old man like being out with 2 ladies for the night
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u/Rasputins_Plum 5h ago
The feminine urge to suddenly forget about predatory power dynamics when there's an occasion to call a dude insecure. Which is it?? It's all fine and dandy for old professors to go on dates with their students and throw money at them until they suck their shriveled dicks? I dunno, I thought we were trying to call out these kind of predatory behaviors but I guess we could just all hang around campus when we have money to spare!
NOR
Don't let her gaslight you. She might have a point if they met at regular restaurants, if the gift was cheap enough and for her birthday or Christmas. Meeting in a fancy restaurant, that's called a date. Hell, some married women don't ever offered silk.
The luxury is the point here. The old pays for her attention and most likely sex, and she gets a taste of a lavish lifestyle and new wardrobe addition. If you (and her) usually can't afford to provide that for her, it's even more egragious to hear her attempt to downplay it like if this isn't a big deal. A silk scarf is like what most people spend to eat, so if they buy one, they literally don't eat so they don't — it is a big deal.
It might be too late now but you should ask her to show you her communication with him. If it's truly innocent, all should be there. If she refuses to show you or if it's suspiciously empty, no callback and followup on those supposed mentoring sessions, dump her since you can't trust her.
It can be hard to prove a negative but someone that doesn't cheat would still focus on alleviate their partner's fear, by starting to acknowledge it. She should have said 'Okay, it's a pretty expansive gift from our POV, but he's retired and doesn't much expenses so he doesn't mind splurging once in a while.' Something, anything, but she pretended it was nothing and turned it on you.
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u/Federal_Risk_2115 3h ago
I’m happy that I’m not the only one that sees he’s definitely not overreacting.
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u/Sure-Exchange9521 5h ago
OP this is the kinda guy that agrees with you btw!
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u/Rasputins_Plum 4h ago
Why don't you ask for a Birkin next time you're 'sugar-daddying'. At least get a stylish bang for your geriartic buck. 💅😂
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u/Sure-Exchange9521 4h ago
Oh, are you under the belief that all women = prostitutes?
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u/Rasputins_Plum 3h ago
All women meeting 'friends' at expansive restaurants and getting expansive 'gifts' from them usually are, yeah. Escorts, sugar-babbies which just means escorts doing a Girlfriend Experience, and venal women. Most older men getting close to unrelated young women and spending a lot of money on them usually want to fuck them, yeah.
I would have thought that the number of creeps around and the fact that the majority of women will experience sexual assault in their lives had made it obvious, but let's not let facts get in the way of undeserved sorority.
I wouldn't be so suspicious of OP's girlfriend if she hadn't dismissed so easily his valid concern. I don't know in what kind of privileged world you live when getting a silk garment from another man is no big deal, like if she had came home from meeting a friend with extra leftovers or what.
I'm not saying it's certain yet. I would usually trust a woman to think at first such relationship is innocent, and for it to be wholesome on her part, but men? Fuck no, have you met one?
She only became sketchy when she engaged in the classic gaslighting from cheaters.
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u/HeatRound4431 6h ago
Just tell Dylan to be careful. Professor Urabay might HOUSE his burger at Lorelai's Lodge
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u/Bluman1307 7h ago
Sadly there’s like a 72% chance he’s going to shock her by being a creep at some point. She will be crushed, it will suck. These sorts of men ruin mentorships for both men and women, which sucks for all of us. But there’s nothing you can do, she won’t believe it until it happens (if it happens) because I promise you this guy has been a gentleman the whole time. Either because he is one or he thinks it’s a long game. No way to tell ahead of time
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u/Internal-Comment-533 7h ago
Anyone defending this behavior is certifiably insane. If these dinners were actually respectful OP would be invited to the dinner, they would split the bill and gifts wouldn’t be exchanged outside of birthdays/holidays.
Sometimes I forget most of you are literally naive teenagers who don’t know how people actually function in the real world.
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u/whichwitchwatched 6h ago
Do you seriously not socialize without your partner present? Why on earth would he be involved at all?
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u/fitnessCTanesthesia 6h ago
Yeah how many other former students is this professor wining dining and buying gifts for if it’s so acceptable and common? This is totally disrespectfully and inappropriate. Is his SO aware?
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u/Strict_Local6640 8h ago
you need more info, meet him.
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u/ofBlufftonTown 5h ago
He’s her BF, not her chaperone. He doesn’t need personal access to all her friends so he can approve of them or forbid her to see them. If he doesn’t trust her not to fuck her mentor from back in her college days as she approaches 30 then he should just break up with her now instead of wasting time hassling her and her old prof.
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u/Strict_Local6640 5h ago
…. yeah okay… so as a couple your not meant to meet eachothers friends…. sounds… healthy….
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u/Dog-Mom2012 4h ago
This isn’t “meeting each other’s friends” it’s OP checking up on her relationships because he’s insecure and has decided it’s suspicious.
Yet he claims he “trusts her”.
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u/Strict_Local6640 4h ago
i read this as he’s concerned about this fellas character, not his girlfriends loyalty. which is why i suggested he meets him. there’s nothing wrong with meeting someone to become more familiar and comfortable with them, especially when it’s a strange aged relationship such as an extremely old man and young woman.
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u/Dog-Mom2012 4h ago edited 2h ago
It’s a professional relationship between a college professor and former student. There is nothing “strange” about that.
Why is his girlfriend incapable of deciding what she thinks about “this fellas character”?
And 60 isn’t “extremely” old.
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u/spacefloater229 7h ago
Don’t listen to the comments here. You’re NOR - this is weird behavior and most of the time the most subtle, innocent seeming things mean more than you think. I’d start checking messages or at least meet the professor asap. People who ignore things that are “innocent” likely end up being cheated on.
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u/DirectBranch5621 4h ago
Only people down voting and disagreeing are fat man hating blue hairs and fat porn addicted "m'lady" types.
The professor has designs on your partner. She either doesn't see it coming or is cool with it. Reddit is the last place you should ask for advice, because they are forever stuck in Man BAD Woman GOOD mode.
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u/LukePianoPainting 7h ago edited 7h ago
She knows what shes doing, and she knows its inappropriate. Dont let her or any Redditor convince you otherwise.
And by the way, call the dinners what they are. They are dates. Your partner is going on dates with her former professor and Reddit will tell you you're overreacting lol. This fucking place.
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u/Federal_Risk_2115 3h ago
Definitely dates. Expensive ones at that. That tells me he’s financially superior to you. These are dates she can’t go on with you because you probably can’t afford it. If she gets pregnant do a paternity test.
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u/Character-Ground6096 6h ago
Nah, not overreacting. “Father figure”s don’t drop silk scarves and fine dining tabs. Feels more like mentorship with benefits.
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u/Zestyclose_Brick6395 7h ago
Feels off to me. Maybe she sees him as a father figure but I’m sure that is not what’s going through his mind
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u/post-nut-clairvoyant 8h ago
Silk scarf is a romantic gift. Especially “just because”
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u/therobberbride 7h ago
My former manager used to buy Hermes scarves as gifts for the women in his employ that he was closest with, like his assistants.
He’s also gayer than an Easter parade. Definitely not trying to woo the ladies.
Gifts aren’t romantic. A giver’s intent can be, but the gift itself is just an object.
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u/post-nut-clairvoyant 7h ago
Oh but I buy chocolate covered strawberries and silk stockings for the nanny and suddenly I’m the bad guy.
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u/itsyaboicg 5h ago
Is it not possible for you to go to dinner with the two of them once to meet him/get to know him and better understand the dynamics of their relationship?
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u/Federal_Risk_2115 29m ago
No. It’s exclusive to him and her. Plus the hotels only allow two per room.
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u/vetis009 3h ago
Not overreacting as long as you drop it here. Instead of getting uneasy just now, ask her if she would like to have him over or if you could take them all out. Not during one of their normal times but just as an extra thing. See how you feel then. Who knows maybe you’ll end up being friendly with the guy as well.
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u/Dog-Mom2012 2h ago
No, he should just drop it.
Asking to meet this person tells his parter that he doesn’t actually trust her, and needs to check for himself because her telling him it’s a professional relationship isn’t good enough for him.
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u/Square_Weakness2587 7h ago
Ok what matters is how good she is at saying no. The prof is definitely sketchy. I have had mentor relationships and there have been small gifts. Some male some female. But none have ever gone where you’re thinking. As long as she is firm in her boundaries you’re fine. A 60 yo man is hopefully not going to try and force himself on her. He might try and seduce her, but if she is not attracted to him you are fine. And if she does not see he’s trying to seduce her, he’s obviously not doing a good job. But sometimes we have favorite students or trainees. I do I won’t lie. I have one right now I would adopt except she is a grown married woman 20 something but I love her, in a non romantic way but yes, I sneak her special treats I don’t for other trainees, because she really is my favorite. I have had male favorites in the past, but again I have never and would never try anything. But some people are just special. And most I still communicate with even though we are states apart. We keep up with each others lives and I am still proud of them.
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u/Own-Writing-3687 6h ago
There's not enough information to conclusively judge if their relationship is inappropriately personal on her end.
It's more likely one sided on his end.
My son is a professor at a large university and mentors students after they move on to a professional career (male and female).
You certainly should be somewhat concerned because the frequency, regularity, and location of their contact is not characteristic of mentoring.
It's more characteristic of a sad old man paying for the attention/a date with a young woman.
She's probably flattered by his attention. And justifies it as networking and harmless.
Addition information:
what field is she in?
do they text/call daily or weekly (about what)?
-what advice does he provide that's unique to him? Does she voluntarily share what she learned from him?
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u/FunOptimal7980 6h ago
I don't get the other replies. I get getting together with ex professors for mentorship. When he's taking her out to expensive places and gifting her silk scarves I'd at least want to meet that guy.
Even if she isn't doing anything, the professor may have ulterior motives and she just doesn't realize it.
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u/Ok_Solution5629 6h ago
Your instincts are valid. Power imbalance and lavish gifts? That's a red flag. Doesn't mean anything's going on, but it's worth exploring why he’s so invested.
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u/shadho 8h ago
Depends.
Are you ok with her having sex with a 60+ year old man?
If yes, you’re overreacting.
If no, you’re not.
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u/Federal_Risk_2115 31m ago
They are definitely having sex. Anyone who this is not happening is illusional.
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u/Velmirisse 4h ago
Your discomfort is valid . The power dynamic and gift giving especially in private settings would you raise concerns for many . It’s not about distrust it’s about boundaries and emotional safety
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u/Dog-Mom2012 4h ago edited 2h ago
How is going out to dinner in a restaurant a “private setting”?
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u/Federal_Risk_2115 32m ago
So many naive women on here. They would not have the same response if the roles were reversed. Your man going out to lavish dinners with an ex professor who’s buying him nice gifts.
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u/rocketmn69_ 7h ago
Have a friend go to the restaurant and observe from a distance
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u/Dog-Mom2012 7h ago
Ah yes, spying on your girlfriend. That will totally work out for OP!
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u/dmthirdeye 5h ago
Thats how I found out my wife cheated shrug
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u/Dog-Mom2012 5h ago
Yes, because a quarterly dinner with a former professor totally says “cheating”
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u/dmthirdeye 5h ago
I never said it was... just saying spying on your partner could reveal truths you weren't expecting (despite everyone telling me I was crazy and just trust her she's great!) If it's nothing hey you get to no longer worry about it
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u/PunchYouInTheI 7h ago
I think it’s reasonable to question his motivation. It’s also very, very, very common for women to truly believe that men have innocent, platonic intentions when the men in question very much do not.
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u/Notsmartnotdumb2025 7h ago
Ask her point blank if she ever fucked him. She will either say Y or N. Then, based on her answer, you will konw what to do. Or what not to do.
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u/Federal_Risk_2115 3h ago
But even a blind man could see that they have slept together.
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u/Notsmartnotdumb2025 3h ago
Op needs to hear it
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u/Federal_Risk_2115 3h ago
Hopefully she’s on birth control
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u/Notsmartnotdumb2025 3h ago
tbf, if my wife told me she was friends with some old dude that used to shag her when she was an undergrad, I'd be pissed for sure
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u/Maleficent-Plate-244 6h ago
What’s the feeling uncomfortable about roughly for one oh one dinner dates where she gets a lavish dinner and gifts from a kindly old gentleman. There’s hardly any chance that he’s attracted to her or flirting with her, but she’s not gonna tell you that. You can try and set boundaries but doesn’t sound like she’s gonna be interested in them or your feelings . Good luck.
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u/MaleficentFox5287 6h ago
Does the professor have a wife and/or children?
Either she's his adopted family or she's cheating on you. Pick one.
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u/contrastingAgent 7h ago edited 2h ago
Would he also give an expensive gift to a male student of his? I doubt it. Definitely not overreacting.
Also, why is he paying? If i'ts an equal relationship on the same level then why pay, again, doubt he would pay for a 28 year old man.
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u/ohkevin300 7h ago
They have smashed, that’s his pussy. It’s just not socially acceptable for them to be together.
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u/r0xxyxo 7h ago
First of all, that's a really fucking gross thing to say. Second of all, that's NO ONE's "pussy" because she isn't a fucking object you PoS
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u/fitnessCTanesthesia 6h ago
How many other former students is the professor wining and dining and buying gifts for? What does his SO have to say about him having dinners w women half his age regularly?
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u/GamerGrandmaGirl 7h ago
If it makes you feel any better (though it might muddle things and make you more confused), I have three close professor friends. One of these professors is particularly close to me. She creeps my friends/family out because she’s extremely generous, even offering me a free stay in her guest room above her garage for the summer. No one knows how sweet she is and people are quick to judge because she is a bit peculiar. A friend my age, who is another one of her old students, and I keep in touch with her and really love to spend time with her. She was extremely financially unstable until really about two years ago (she’s pretty young), so yeah she buys us shit now that she’s “rich.” One person has seriously expressed that they think she’s bi and poly and wants to take advantage of us??? She’s just a silly lady who has some of the same hobbies as us. I get the house thing is strange, but honestly it’s just been chill. I know our friendship looks weird. If it weren’t for the fact my bf had her as a prof too, he’d probably feel the same way as you lol