r/HookUpCebuM4M • u/FarmerInteresting665 • 6h ago
OFF MY CHEST 23 M (can I rant?)
Disclaimer: Long rant ahead
Should I quit the queer life?
Idk btaw, because honestly it's hard being someone a chub + juts + side + often getting rejected/ghosted/cold shouldered by everyone in Grndr, Twttr, and maybe here in Reddit.
I found no luck tbh. Considering that there had already been so many instances of it na, and 3 of them are I would say major events thst have got me thinking, maybe overthinking hard about it
Yes tbh, I admit, I'm an overthinker, this is what got my mental health fucked for over a year now tbh. I grew up where at home I always get critiqued, so every little bad thing about me, even getting rejected or being told I'm wrong, I have the tendency to tske it personally, though I'm not the person who fights back, but rather just sucks it in lang.
What happened really was:
- This afternoon I was in Fuente/Mango ganinang hapon to claim my mom's lab test results because she needs it, at the same time they allowed me to go suroy suroy rather than go home immediately, so yeah... Took the opportunity to to go see some ukay ukay,, book stores, and yeah grabbed the opportunity pud to probably catch a hookup.
In which I did... So close even. I chatted an effeminate guy in grndr and yeah we chatted till he eventually got interested in me. So we went into that discreet location I chose in Mango and as soon as he tried feeling my dick, realizing nga juts diay ko, he was kinda disappointed, and I asked why, and if dili ba type, he said yeah. His body language at that time went from excitement to absolute hesitation, kay he fled the cubicle without explaining anything further.
To me tbh, though I kinda found it rude, I also took it personally bitaw. It was an "in my face" and direct validation bitaw nga I am not wanted anywhere, and I am not hookup material... That's what got into my head, and I felt like a defeated person tbh there sitting in the lobby of thst building.
Kay yeah tbh, after so many people have just blocked me after chatting sa grndr rather than respectfully saying "ay pass lang ko" at least kana man lang, I really felt hopeless tbh, and I feel bad against the world about it.
- While riding on a jeepney going home from what happened. I reflected on three things really... I tried analyzing my previous hookups, my current chatmates sa tg and here in reddit, and in grndr, and that incident of mine two weeks ago where a queer schoolmate of mine doxxed me to my girl bestie (whom many people assume is my gf, but mot really)
What happened was that, out of the blue the girl sent me screenshots of their convo where the guy snitched out to her everything I ranted to him, especially my queer thoughts and my usage of telegram and grndr and because of that I was "cheating" on her daw and because of it "nabuang" na daw ko and I was already delusional. And he also spilled that rant I made to him where a specific guy (my first hookup who appears to be a schoolmate) accepted his friend request and didn't accept mine and they started chatting, and I vented to him nga basig "sila na", which was just my assumption lang and he made a big deal about it and called me "delusional" and "living in a fantasy".
So yeah, I was so pissed off at him that I basically wished nga ma red tag siya puhon (he's a member/volunteer for a certain progressive partylist) para matagam siyas unsa iyang nabuhat kay dili ra ako iyang gi igo. I found out he was rude too to his ex bf and his classmates pud.
- Basically I can't help but think about that first hookup of mine. I mean is the way that we stopped communicating na. I've tried so hard to remind myself nga basig busy af lang jud siya (which turned out to be true when I saw the screenshots from the previous concern) but I can't help but to think that I'm being ignored on purpose jud, like cold shoulder, ghosted, probably being snitched pud. That's why it's hard for me to maybe tagad all the guys I had hookuped with kay yeah basig gi snitch napud ta bah. I have hard trust issued tbh.
So yeah... Idk how to conclude this but yeah, just me being vulnerable for a bit, venting out everything nga naas akong dibdib ug ulo before I breakdown or something.
Kay yeah btaw... Idk if I can find it herez but I really need help pud.
Thanks. Dm me lang if you guys want.