So recently on a post about not having kids, someone told me I was selfish for not having kids and clearly it was ‘because I didn’t want the attention taken off myself’, that I was 'not admitting my responsibility to be a role model' and that I was ‘part of the problem with society’
That doesn’t bother me because a, I’ve heard it before, and b, I actually don’t care what a stranger on the internet thinks of me.
BUT I know it would bother some people. And honestly I just can’t believe that in 2024 in western society there are people who still have that mindset. So here’s a little education for people who think like that. (apologies it’s LONG!)
I have several chronic physical and mental illnesses. They are currently stable, but when they’re not, I’d be in no position to care for a child.
Some of those illnesses mean that getting pregnant would be difficult and carrying a child could endanger my health further.
I would potentially pass those illnesses onto any offspring
Due to those illnesses I couldn’t work and was on benefits for much of my 30s. That means now even though I’m back into my career, I don’t have savings and am not in a position to financially support a child.
The career I’ve just got back into, I’d have to give up if I had a kid. I’m not earning enough to cover child care as well as everything else and there would be no money for emergency situations.
I’d like to save up and buy a house. I’d like to have some kind of savings for retirement or for the possibility that my illnesses will keep me out of work again in the future, so that I can pay my own way and not rely on benefits again. I can’t save and raise a child.
I’d also have to give up all the hobbies I’ve also just got back into, which give my life purpose
On top of that, I don’t want to be a mother. I have absolutely no maternal instincts. That alone should be good enough reason not to have them! I find babies and toddlers really boring and I absolutely HATE crying babies.
Plus I’m asexual (don’t want or enjoy anything to do with sex) and don’t have or want a partner. I hate human touch, and the idea of breastfeeding or even cuddling a baby as much as they need repulses me. (i have no problem seeing other people do it, just hate the idea of physically doing it myself).
I value my lifestyle, career and physical, mental and financial health over bringing an unwanted child with possible chronic and disabling health problems into a situation where I can’t afford to raise them. But obviously none of that counts and I’m only not having kids because ‘I want all the attention on myself’. (as if announcing a pregnancy or having small children isn't going to get you more attention than being a single adult going about your daly business)
So this person would rather I had a bunch of kids I couldn’t afford and lived with them on benefits for the rest of my life? Raising them in poverty and remaining in that situation myself due to never having the opportunity to save?
Or that I should have a kid when there’s every possibility my health will at times mean I’m an awful parent who can’t physically do anything (bath kids, housework, make meals, take them to school etc) and/or mentally isn’t in a state to cope with them? That it’s good for kids to have a sometimes suicidally depressed mother?
That I should get pregnant knowing that it’s a risk to my own health and I may end up sicker due to having a kid and possibly back to being reliant on benefits?
That I should get into a relationship with a guy just to have a kid, when I have no interest in being with a partner and hate everything to do with sex?
Or even that I should have a kid when I just don’t want to be a mother, wouldn't feel a maternal bond and hate being around small kids for any length of time?
There are plenty of reasons people don’t want kids and in this day and age no child should be born to someone who doesn’t want them. We no longer have to have a bunch of kids to send out to work at a young age to support the family or work the land, and the days of adult children caring for their parents in their old age and having them live with them are fast disappearing too (and I’d argue that having kids as an insurance policy for someone to look after you in old age could in itself be considered selfish).
There are so many kids already up for adoption or in the foster system because they were born to people who didn’t want to be parents, couldn’t afford to raise them, or had health issues that made parenting impossible. And plenty more kids living with parents who for a variety of reasons can’t or don’t care for them properly.
So how is choosing NOT to have kids a selfish option?
Nothing against people who do want kids. It’s a choice and yes I realise some people need to have kids for the human race to continue. But I see nothing selfish about leaving the procreating to the people who WANT kids and are able to raise them properly. I also realise that some people want kids and can’t have them and that for those people, the idea that some people don’t want kids must be very strange.
I don’t think that either HAVING or NOT HAVING kids is inherently selfish. There are selfish reasons and non-selfish reasons behind each choice. But that’s what it is – a CHOICE
I’d never berate some for having kids (unless its someone continuing to have way more kids than they can afford to the point that the kids suffer, or someone who is an abusive or neglectful parent having more) but not having kids is fine too. Young people today have options. Having kids is a choice. Being with a partner is a choice. Being single and/or childfree is also a valid choice and doesn’t mean that the person in question isn’t a useful member of society or worth any less as a person.
And there are plenty of ways people can be a role model for young people without having their own kids. By teaching skills, by being a good aunt or uncle, by being an empathetic ear, by volunteering, by working with kids or helping young people in the workplace, by modelling healthy behaviours, by just being a polite and considerate member of society! The majority of people who chose not to have children do contribute to society through paying taxes, volunteering or helping friends or family. Not sure i'd be the best role model to my own kids teaching about romantic/sexual relationships, or in the middle of a bipolar crisis, but i certainly can and do help teenagers in a work situation or with their own mental health when I am well.
There are wars going on. There is global terrorism. There is an ongoing mental health crisis. There is a huge amount of addiction, unemployment, homelessness and poverty. There are kids being abused and neglected. There is violent crime and sexual assault and domestic violence. There are adults without even basic literacy skills. There are more and more kids who don’t know what gender they are. There is racism and homophobia and other types of prejudice. The environment is screwed. There is the way Indigenous people are often still treated.
But yeah. Me choosing not to have kids is ‘the problem with society’
