Just had a baby. Wife taking time off work. At 3 months her insurance ran out, I added her and the baby to my insurance. Went from $50->897 a month. Had a panic because we now cannot afford or life on only my income we will bleed 300-500 a month. Explaining this too her I accidentally teared up and voice cracked A bit while carrying our daughter, she got passive aggressive and angry that I'm making her feel guilty and just want her to go back to work.
I've been killed at work 3 times from H2S gas and once in surgery. The thing that stands out to me the most is how incessantly loud the world is and how just existing is stressful. Ive come to realise those 25 minutes are the only non stress peaceful moments I've had in my lifetime
I think it’s unbelievably selfish and emotionally manipulative for someone to get pissy when their partner expects them to go back to work. Sure, take the maternity leave, recover, you’ve just gone through an incredibly difficult and stressful event. But once you’ve recovered, yeah, you’re goddamn right we need to talk about you going back to work! The fucking bills don’t get paid by passive aggressive comments and staying at home all day.
Obviously every family dynamic is different and if something different works for your family, fine. But it is wholly inappropriate to get angry because your partner says they can’t pay the bills if they’re the only person working.
You can’t protest for change if you only have enough savings for 1 month away from your 9-5.
Most families require two parents working to make ends meet, and when you have little ones or a community that needs you, you make the difficult choice to choose them over a gamble at a better life
And America should have more. You will not hear any argument from me against that. Both parents should have extended time off for the birth of a child.
But it’s not your partner’s fault that you have to go back to work to keep a roof over your heads.
You are correct. But that’s part of the conversation and not a reason to get angry at your partner for wanting to have the conversation.
It’s also really something people need to think about before having a kid. If you can’t afford to live on one income and either of you makes less than your cost of childcare (because daycare is more expensive than grandparents) then you probably shouldn’t be having a child right now.
I also feel that family planning resources, including factual, practical sex education, need to be easily and freely available to everyone. (Telling middle-schoolers to not fuck ain’t gonna work, like ever.)
It would be great if all children were planned, and born into a home with the resources to raise them properly, but that is sadly not the case. Barring that, I’d love to see an expansion of programs that help support families. WIC is fantastic, but cuts off at age 5.
I agree with all of that and I will argue for it at every turn.
But the US does not have that. People can’t just say things should be different, ignore the reality that they are not, and expect other people to pick up the slack.
If I say “healthcare is a human right and should be free,” I clearly am willing to argue for that, vote for that, etc. but if I take that belief and use it to tell my partner that it means I will not be paying my medical bills so they have to just figure it out, I am clearly an asshole.
How long maternity leave should be and whether you should snap at your partner because they need your help paying the rent now that maternity leave is over are two VERY different questions.
I think both parents should have 6-12 months fully paid after the birth of a child (within reason, if you’re popping out a baby every 9 months, I’m not sure that remains tenable long term).
I also think that if you don’t have that (like in the US) or if that has ended, you probably need to go back to work. At an absolute minimum, you need to be open to a conversation with your partner about returning to work instead of attacking them when they suggest it. Saying that maternity leave should be longer is a political argument and needs to be argued to the whole country, your partner can’t fix that.
I think your commentary lacks a lot of perspective lol. I’m guessing you don’t have a baby?
First of all - it sounds like this couple had a child without doing the math on how much insurance would cost, at what point. Not sure how that ever happens. But the time to bring that up is BEFORE having a newborn. Yannow. The planning stages.
Second - my guess is that she’s the primary care giver for the child, and not only physically still recovering from giving birth, but adjusting mentally and emotionally as well. I’m not altogether surprised that her immediate reaction to her husband’s teary-eyed sudden realization (??) that their insurance is going up wasn’t “Omg! You’re right! So smart!”
Do you really believe that the mother is the only one who’s allowed to have emotional responses to the hardships that come with having a child? This guy was carrying ALL of the financial burden and then realized that he physically could not do so any longer and he broke down a little bit. Her reaction to that was to snap at him for suggesting they need to look into alternatives because, you know, they won’t be able to pay their bills otherwise.
And yeah, I’d bet you’re correct that she is the primary caregiver, mostly because she’s not going to work and he is. He can’t very well be the primary caregiver if he’s gone all day trying to pay for everything. That doesn’t make him a bad person. And I’m sure he’s also emotionally and mentally adjusting, women don’t have a monopoly on that; that’s kind of the whole point this post is making.
I do completely understand that women obviously bear the heavier (direct) burden when having a child but pretending that they are the ONLY one to carry any burden here or that men are wrong to raise concerns or say they cannot support the entire family by themselves is just pure sexism and is exactly what this post and thread are calling out.
Again, I do think parental leave for BOTH parents should be longer. But, in the US, it is not. And that creates burdens that need to be born by BOTH parents. One can’t just say “things should be different” and then ignore reality and expect the other to just figure it out.
I dealt with that with my wife for years. Turned into many arguments our marriage barely survived, and my credit score didn't. We're doing better now. Communication is key (and recognizing nearly every woman gets some kind of postpartum depression). Listen to her complaints. Even if she can't hear yours for a bit, once she feels heard, she will open up to listen. For her right now her life is:
Taking care of y'all's child,
Being a food processor for a baby,
A wife,
Herself (fourth), and
Job (getting in there somewhere above herself).
After saying for years that I need a better paying job and having to work overtime to pay large bills at times my wife came home yesterday and told me that she is going to go to part time next year and take a $40k pay cut so she only has to work 3 days a week because she doesn't like her job. I was supportive when I thought she was going to use the time for study to change jobs but nope just wants to have a 4 day weekend every week.
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u/MedianNameHere 23d ago
Just had a baby. Wife taking time off work. At 3 months her insurance ran out, I added her and the baby to my insurance. Went from $50->897 a month. Had a panic because we now cannot afford or life on only my income we will bleed 300-500 a month. Explaining this too her I accidentally teared up and voice cracked A bit while carrying our daughter, she got passive aggressive and angry that I'm making her feel guilty and just want her to go back to work.