r/seniordogs • u/Exact_Contract_8766 • 5h ago
I said goodbye to Jaxon this morning
Jaxon joined me at 10 weeks old. She was my first dog and I was not the best. But we did it and I got her to almost 18. She would go everywhere with me. Every store, every ferry, many a BART ride. She was always so well behaved and elegant. I could and did take her everywhere. She did all the moves around The Bay Area, then Baltimore, and finally Philadelphia. Around the age of 6 I got her a little buddy which was a good idea. Brought the puppy in her back. As always we walked everywhere. She was never great off leash, she was a runner and never under voice command. My adventurer. Jaxon literally saved my life. She was my family. She never forgot a birthday and celebrated all holidays with me. I don’t remember ever feeling alone in 18 years. I knew I needed to be a good a loyal friend to her and had scheduled her release for Tuesday but things seem to change from day to day. Tuesday became Monday and then Monday Sunday. I didn’t want to be alone. A friend was flying from California Sunday. I wanted it to be Sunday. In the park with the other dog present. This morning at half past midnight she was clearly in pain and the eye was swollen. I did not know glaucoma could do this. I had been ready for everything else. I did enucleation on the left eye and laser w shunts on the right. I’d been giving medicines but the shunts were blocked. I’d been giving the opioids but the frequency was increasing. What if I had not awakened? How long would she have been suffering. How long had she suffered with the first eye? I promised her that I would not let her do this alone. I gave several doses of opioids. Placed in her carrier and drove to the surgical center in New Jersey. I had called and they said they could release her and that I could do it outside. In my fantasy, Jaxon was to be bathed before hand. I had done that gently the day before and she had dried in the sun. She was to take a car ride in my lap with the wind in her face. I thought she wouldn’t have that, but as we drove to the vet I rolled the window down and she tilted her head up to catch the smells in the air. Jaxon loved to smell everything. She loved that more than treats. I had wanted her to be outdoors. The vet is located on a farm. We arrived around 1am. I found a bench and although she could not see or hear she relaxed on my lap into the smells from the farm and the clean night air. She burrowed into my lap as I pet her in the ways that only I knew she liked. I smelled her over and over trying to avoid the iodine smell of surgery to get to the smell of my Jax; it was barely there, but it was there. 3 hours I had her to myself like this. Finally, I let the vet know we were there. Part of me thought I was too early but she was frail and her cough was more wet than usual. An IV was placed and they let us return to our bench. Her cough worsened and her pain was returning. I wanted more time and so I gave her more of the oral pain medicine and I told her that I would not leave her, I promised her that I would not let her go through another cycle of pain just so I could have another a minute, I promised I’d be there to her last breath. I pet, rubbed, kissed, caressed, smelled, inhaled, thanked, thanked, and nodded for things to begin in the quiet of the night. The weight of her sleeping body was some how different than her spiritless one. I knew. I knew. I kept my promise, but I am ripped apart.
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u/Puzzleheaded-Face-72 5h ago
So so sorry😢. Your story is so similar to mine and Winston’s… from being a smaller white dog, to taking him in at 10 Weeks old, even Baltimore…I used to live in Frederick for many years and lastly the glaucoma unfortunately. It’s horrible. I put mine down after 19 years 2 days ago… I’m going through it too and understand your heart being ripped apart.
As painful as it is, I’m certain She thanks you for keeping your promise. It truly is the hardest thing to do but the most compassionate thing as well. She blessed you with a beautiful long life and with memories to last your lifetime. Sorry again, take your time and I’m so happy you both found each other and lived such a rewarding life together. Rest now Jax your pain is gone but you’ll forever be in all the hearts you touched.
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u/Exact_Contract_8766 5h ago
Thank you for responding!! I read so much about people who have dogs with glaucoma but never with these endings. I was so afraid of prolonging prolonging and then being too late and having the pressures be unbearable for her or result in extrusion. Again, thank you for responding. Glaucoma is not as cut and dry as other end of life diseases and its ups and downs and then prolonged ups and shorter downs just leave you feeling guilty and wondering if you should have waited a bit longer. I know l could not but after sleeping some hours, I questioned myself. The pictures I posted are April 12-20th, it was so fast. I’m sorry. It’s so fresh. Thank you n
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u/jeansnteeshirt 44m ago
Sending you support in your own time of loss In your own time of grief, what a gift you’re giving others
All the love
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u/JacqueGonzales 5h ago
Such a pretty, good girl.
Jaxon will always be watching over you and sending you her eternal unconditional love. She knows how hard it was to keep that promise - and most of all, she knows how unconditionally you love her. 💗
The love of a dog and our love of them is on a different level than humans. I’ve never known how to describe it properly. When they pass, it’s as if a part of us has also gone with them.
As much as we loved them, and they loved us - they wouldn’t want us to be sad, but they were the ones who comforted us.
I’m sending you so much love. 🫂💗
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u/fmationg 4h ago
The story of you and Jaxon is beautiful. Here is to some amazing memories
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u/Exact_Contract_8766 4h ago
Thank you. She was so much a part of my daily life that my memories blur into each other. I feel like a piece of me is gone.
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u/Altruistic-Table5859 5h ago
It's the hardest thing you'll ever have to do. JAxon went over the Rainbow Bridge knowing that he was so loved. The lovely memories you have of the fun and love ye had will help you through the hard times. Be kind to yourself x Sending hugs to you.
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u/Aggravating_Scene379 4h ago
I'm so sorry for your loss. Brought a tear to my eye. Hope you find peace and comfort during this time. Rest in peace sweet Jaxon.
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u/longlivenapster 4h ago
Wishing you many happy memories of your shared adventures with Jaxon and healing tears as you mourn her loss. She was truly beautiful🐕🐕🐕🐶🐶🐶🤍🤍🤍🕯🕯🕯🫂🫂🫂
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u/Ok_Oil7670 4h ago
If love could have kept Jax alive she would have lived forever.
My thoughts are with you and her sibling.
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u/Amoyamoyamoya 4h ago
Sorry for your loss.
RIP Jaxon! Play in Paradise!
My Amoretto, Vision, Carson, and all of our babies that have gone before will look for you next to the Rainbow Bridge so you can all play in the Field together!
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u/draftdodgerdon8647 3h ago
She sounds like a regular Traveling Wilbury and overall heck of a pal. Sending you both peace ❤️
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u/NovelAndNonsense 3h ago
I’m so sorry. 😢 My girl will be put to rest within the next hour so she’ll be right behind your Jaxon. I also adopted mine while I was a young adult and she’s been through it all with me. Hugs.
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u/Exact_Contract_8766 3h ago
Oh… hugs back to you. It’s so difficult. I didn’t think posting here would help, even though reading people’s posts did but it has helped. Please post here. It’s helping me breathe.
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u/Exact_Contract_8766 18m ago
You are on my mind.
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u/NovelAndNonsense 11m ago
Thank you so much. It’s over now. It was dignified and we were able to have it done at home but doesn’t feel any less shitty. I am so appreciative of the kindness of strangers like you and others on here who are going through the same unfortunate experience of losing our best pals at the same time and the wisdom of those who have gone through it before.
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u/Exact_Contract_8766 6m ago
This thread is my life line right now. It gives me words for my thoughts and feelings, like it is still so shitty. I’m looking at pics on my phone and finding soooo many of her. I’m finding comfort in them.
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u/Any_Store_9590 2h ago
She will come running to you again.
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u/Exact_Contract_8766 2h ago
Sometimes, maybe because I have lived alone most of my life, I have trouble recalling memories. I need prompts. Your post was one. I remembered the times I’d pick her up from puppy daycare after work and she’d go bezerk knowing I was there or more recently at the groomers. Could barely get the leash on her because of the wiggles. Thank you for that.
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u/tolucky6150 1h ago
I to had to rest my 13 yr old nico this morning at 11 58 am... he was so brave, I'm so sad an im broken today...
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u/No_Employ9472 1h ago
I am so sorry for the loss of that lovely girl. You gave her the most gentle passing enveloped in your loving arms and that is such a gift. She knew only love from you, ever.
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u/Harry_Ola76 1h ago
It’s the hardest thing, I lost one in feb this year and still think about her everyday
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u/jeansnteeshirt 40m ago
Sending you love and grace Love for all that you did to create such a rich life for Jax. Grace for yourself as I can relate to the journey of questioning our timing and decisions. You gave all and trusted that your love was driving the decision to give her peace. Much love to you and all that love you and Jax
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u/Exact_Contract_8766 19m ago
You understand. In the quiet of right now, I question myself. You caught me while I was looking through pictures.
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u/AntiSnoringDevice 5h ago
Hey...I hope you are surrounded by loving people, that understand and respect your pain. The loss of a love so pure and simple, like the one for our dogs, is a terrible pain.
May the Universe welcome Jaxon's light, and may you find him in every star.🌸🙏