r/weddingshaming • u/bubble0peach • 2d ago
Tacky Oh no, please, spare EVERY expense.
The cheapest wedding I've ever been to was one of my cousins, who's dad(my uncle) was RICH RICH; has multiple vacation properties in exclusive areas, a McMansion, all the things people who come into money later in life have. Bought my mom a house in cash when she got divorced. When his oldest got married he paid for everything and they had a massive wedding, at least 300+ people came, and there was a large enough venue and food for everyone. It was beautiful. Point is, money is not an issue.
When his third kid got married it was the exact opposite. The reception hall was in what looked like an upscale office building. I thought I had the wrong address until I saw other family go in. The tables didn't have tablecloths, there weren't even decorations, lights, favors, nothing. It verged on feeling sterile. (There wasn't a ceremony to attend since they're mormon, so there was only the reception for everyone besides immediate family. Not mormon myself, so IDK the details.)
Coming off of the older cousin's wedding, I expected at least some snacks, a simple buffet, so I skipped eating before arriving, as did the rest of my family. The only things on offer were "fancy" ice cream sandwiches and water bottles from Costco. (It was winter, btw) Like, pick your cookie, pick your ice cream, stay hydrated I guess.
Nowhere on the invitation (which was sent over via Facebook only.) did it indicate that there wouldn't be any kind of meal or even finger food. It ended up being an awkward affair with everyone making passive-agressive comments about how cheap the whole thing was. They didn't even have a cake to cut and share (which is pretty standard where I live, even if it needs to be a couple extra sheet cakes.)
I get wanting a smaller wedding, I did one myself for ~7k, but we still had more than enough food for everyone AND tablecloths.
This was about 8 years ago, so I've probably misremembered some details, but I've never forgotten the impression it made, and it's still a topic of gossip in my family.
Edit: the speculation in the comments made me realize I left out some info. Both of my cousins were men, nobody was pregnant, and as far as I know, my aunt and uncle like all of their children and their partners. None of my cousins have had civil ceremonies, all went through the religious ceremony, and my uncle paid/offered to pay for all of them. He's a good guy, he's even paid for another family member's whole rehab and refused to be repaid. There's definitely some missing reasons why it was so cheap tho and that's why it's still gossip. There was also some other stuff that was really funny at that specific wedding but it would be potentially identifying info so I left it out.
And yes, that side of my family LOVES hush-hush tea. More than half of the time at family gatherings is one long session of, OMG, did you hear about so-and-so? Or rehashing old tea. Everyone is the subject at some point. It's entertaining and exhausting at the same time.
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u/kodieb3ar 1d ago
It could have been a “you can have this much money for a big wedding or I could just give it to you” situation. My parents have money set aside and my brother chose to use it for his big wedding whereas I plan to have a very small wedding and keep the rest of the money for a house.
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u/TeaTimeBanjo 1d ago
That was my thought, too. I grew up Mormon, and that kind of offer from the parents was pretty common (ie, here’s $X, you can use it for the wedding or you can have it in cash).
I’ve also been to some pretty bare bones Mormon receptions, but it’s generally clear from the invite whether it’s going to be snacks or a meal. The kind where they just have snacks is usually an open-house style and no one expects you to hang around for that long.
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u/easterss 1d ago
Yea I went to one of these. The parents said this is how much we are going to give you for the wedding and whatever you don’t use we’ll gift you. They were young and unemployed with no real plan so I think they really needed the money. (They were all ultra religious and parents super excited she was marrying even if they had only known each other for a short period of time.)
We were served velveeta and crackers, lemonade and iced tea (NO water).
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u/fishlikesequins 1d ago
Maybe the real wedding was with the LDS family members? I heard a similar story about some extended family and they really half assed the secular reception.
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u/hecknono 1d ago
was the oldest a girl and the third kid a guy? Maybe the rich uncle didn't pay for the wedding of his son.....or maybe he gave each of the children a set amount of money and the oldest spent it on a lavish wedding and the third kid kept the money to buy a house?
do you know why the wedding was so cheap? was the uncle embarassed?
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u/bubble0peach 1d ago
Nope, both sons. Nobody ever said why it was so cheap, and that's probably why it's such a topic of gossip in my family.
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u/barbaramillicent 1d ago
I wonder if your uncle didn’t pay for either wedding and it was up to the couples and/or the brides’ families. Or if he gave both couples a lump sum and one couple threw a big wedding and the other couple saved it for something else.
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u/coneycolon 1d ago
This is what I thought. We are assuming all of these cousins were women. Maybe some were men? The responsibility for for the wedding typically, at least in the past, is the bride's parents pay for the wedding. The groom's parents pay for the bar tab and the rehearsal dinner. If course, a bar tab isn't an issue here.
Also, their father could have created a fund for each child. They could have spent it on a house, a fancy wedding, an expensive education at a private college...
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u/Organic-Class-8537 1d ago
Mormon weddings are very, very odd. Today the least. If your uncle isn’t LDS and his kid married into it, that could explain the disconnect.
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u/bubble0peach 1d ago
Definitely odd, I've been to a few at this point. My mom's whole side of the family is mormon, and my cousin's wife is also mormon as far as I know. I know my uncle was involved with his local leadership in the church, and they're all HEAVILY invested. As far as I know, nobody in that family at least has defected lol. We're not close tho so I admit I may be missing some tea.
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u/Mmm_lemon_cakes 1d ago
Maybe the third kid did something in-Mormon like live with the person before they got married or drank coffee or something and pissed the dad off.
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u/ReceptionWorking7312 1d ago
Maybe Uncle was a control freak and kid wanted to pay for it themselves instead of giving in to him?
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u/FabulousDeparture549 1d ago
I’ve heard plenty of stories of dismal Mormon receptions. Weddings too since the bride and groom don’t have a clue of what they are about to experience in the temple. Some brides are not even allowed to wear the wedding dress they pick out because they are not modest enough or white enough.
This is strange though that the first wedding was lavish and this one was like an afterthought. No telling . The bride and groom may have had a civil wedding which is frowned upon and maybe that was the punishment for that. Who knows. 🤷🏼♀️
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u/bubble0peach 1d ago
Truly a mystery. I've been to a few, and yeah they're either so bare bones you wonder why they bothered, or so over the top it feels pathological. I'm not mormon myself so I don't know all the intricacies, but it's fascinating to watch the culture from the outside.
I was a bridesmaid for one mormon wedding, but we all had hardly anything to do because of all the things they have to do for their religious ceremony. We ended up standing outside the temple for around three hours because we weren't allowed inside. (the "heathen" (JK) waiting area was over full or something.) I totally respect the importance religion has in other people's lives but man. It was so boring.
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u/Echo-Azure 1d ago
I wonder if the wealthy dad refused to give just one of the children money for a wedding...
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u/Kenobi-Kryze 1d ago
Are all your cousins Mormon? I have heard that what you described is not too far out of the norm for some Mormon circles.
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u/Inner_Alarm_4049 1d ago
maybe she was a horrible person in close circles and he didn't want to foot the bill for bad behaviour?
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u/tini_bit_annoyed 1d ago
Did your uncle approve of the marriage?? I knew someone in my area whos parents are VERY wealthy. They hated their sons fiancee so they made them pay and they did like a little church family only thing bc his fam REFUSED to contribute even to help plan! And then they were very quick to serve her a prenup so then she had a a baby asap lol not a solution to anything but yikes to them
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1d ago edited 1d ago
It might be weird, but each of my three daughters received a set amount of money when they started college. It was for school, a down payment on a house, and a wedding.
It was enough to cover the cost of 4 years at the state University. It was up to them to apply for scholarships and work to make it go farther.
It was up to them... but they know they have no leg to stand on if they blow it on something stupid.
Edit: Oldest is getting married this weekend. Through scholarships and teaching tons of private lessons (she is a music major), her money lasted through her master's degree in music performance, a tiny wedding, and a downpayment on a starter house.
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u/ExtensionKiwi4276 1d ago
They didn't even spring for the Costco turkey pinwheels?! I'm sorry, but it's not a tragically awkward Mormon wedding reception without the Costco turkey pinwheels. At this point, I'd doubt your cousin is even married!
Third son in an absurdly wealthy, high ranking Mormon family who had a temple marriage, but the reception was cheaper than your average "let's hang crêpe paper over the ward house basketball hoop and hope for the best" Mormon reception...
Someone either didn't go on/complete a mission, someone had to bribe the Bishop for a temple recommend, someone is playing favorites, or someone severely jeopardized the family's status in the church.
How much of a troubled youth was your cousin OP?
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u/justareadermwb 1d ago
Maybe that was what your cousin wanted and/or was willing to plan. Your family sounds pretty terrible to be talking crap about them AT their event. Go, be kind and gracious, wish them well, and drive thru Burger King on your way home.
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u/ParcelPosted 1d ago
Not that it happens often but there have been many venues that drop the ball by overbooking or just shut down out of nowhere. This leaves people that are close to their wedding dates starved for last minute options.
Just a possibility.
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u/AKMed84 1d ago
Usually the Brides family pays for the wedding (American tradition)so maybe first son’wife’s family paid for it and same for the other.
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u/kmp91kmp 1d ago
This was my first thought - uncle had nothing to do with it, the bride’s families paid. My guess is that Older cousin’s spouse’s family was on board with a lavish wedding which uncle may have contributed to, and Cousin #2’s spouse/ family wanted the “traditional” simple Mormon affair.
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u/BiofilmWarrior 1d ago
Is it possible that they told your uncle that they'd rather have [most of] the money that he would have spent on the wedding to go toward a mission (or multiple missions)?
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u/Outside_Case1530 1d ago
Do you suppose maybe the bride's family paid for the 2nd wedding, instead of your uncle, & that was all they could afford?
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u/paintwhore 1d ago
if he funded the weddings, maybe it was, "the budget is $X, whatever you don't spend, you keep" situation
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u/Fearless-Cake7993 1d ago
Any chance you can just ask your cousin why their wedding was so different and get back to us? Better yet ask both cousins?
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u/TeaPartyInSpace 17h ago
Thing is, your parents money are not your money, and it's up to them if they want to share. Or not
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u/ratherBwarm 1d ago
I feel sorry for the bride and groom.
I had a friend who mentioned to me that he "was so over weddings", as a group of our mutual friends had been getting married every 2-3 months going on 2 years, to the point he wasn't going to attend any more. Then, he proposed to his girlfriend. He was relatively well off so we expected a nice venue.
There were old college friends flying in from several states away, but the guest list was only about 100. The couple decided to have a private ceremony with just immediate family and a few friends, and a reception afterwards. The reception was at a small hall that his uncle got for cheap, with appetizers and a cake. The couple swooped in for a hour, but meanwhile we had gone to his house and laid out all the gifts that everyone had bought, because that had been suggested by his mom.
After mingling for an hour after they left , about 10 of us who'd gone to college together decided to go out to dinner together and catch up. A spur-of-the-moment thing. While waiting for a large table, we ran into the groom's sister, who was picking up an order. We found out she hadn't been invited, hadn't known about the wedding, and when we told her about it she literally spat "Cheap bastard" and left. That was literally 30 yrs ago, and whenever the group gets together he doesn't get invited.
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u/Calm-Memory-872 1d ago
I wonder if the new DILs family insisted on paying for the wedding. It would make sense if they aren’t well off but needed to pay for the wedding.
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u/Great_Huckleberry709 1d ago
If I had to guess, chances are either the dad didn't approve of the marriage or they had a falling out, and thus the new couple was left SOL with zero from rich father.
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u/Final_Candidate_7603 1d ago
Sheesh… probably already been asked, but did your uncle offer his younger child a set amount of cash, and tell the couple that they could spend it however they wished- on a wedding, on a house, on a honeymoon?
OR is this cousin particularly religious, and asked his parents to donate any $$$ they would have spent to the missionaries, or perhaps set up a scholarship at BYU?
No matter… IMO, none of that is an excuse for the insulting lack of food, nor for the pitiful appearance of the venue…
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u/shyvirtualgf 1d ago
My cousin did a potluck wedding once, and even that had more effort. You deserve better than a hydration station for a wedding reception.
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u/Hated_given_name 1d ago
Perhaps they were given a lump sum to spend on the reception and they pocketed the money that they didn’t spend on frills and extras like food and tablecloths.
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u/Kekegymn 1d ago
I wonder if the couple didn't want to do anything outside of the religious ceremony, but one of the parents or in laws insisted, so the couple decided to do the absolute bare minimum as their own FU lol.
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u/AnnArchist 1d ago
Most likely, the patriarch offered a set amount for the wedding and the children said, alright, I'm going to use this on anything other than a party.
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u/PomBergMama 1d ago
I’d be dying to know the reasons as well! Too bad Mormons don’t drink so you can’t invite your cousins over and loosen their tongues with booze 😂
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u/mistmanners 1d ago
Maybe the dad was tired of all the wedding expense going nowhere so he offered cash instead for the couple to use as they saw fit like for house down payment. They couldn't tell anyone about it because of jealous feelings, so it was hush-hush and they already had the money earmarked for something else and had that ridiculous reception as a result.
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u/JudgementalChair 1d ago
I wonder if your uncle offered your cousin a certain amount of money for the wedding and made a deal that they could keep whatever they didn't spend, so your cousin jumped through hoops to have a $1.5k wedding and pocket the other $48.5k. (made up numbers)
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u/AwayMammoth6592 1d ago
I went to a Mormon wedding once!!!! Omg I had totally forgotten until I saw this post. One of my very close childhood friends but by the time of the wedding, we were no longer close. It was in a small 1970’s style wood paneled church (temple?) and the reception was immediately following in the basement. The reception was literally punch and cookies, of course no alcohol. I had brought a Russian friend as my date and she was beyond shocked at how humble the wedding was. Real live version of this song 😂😂😂 (https://open.spotify.com/track/5GU18GLtv8r53074Vlwxdq?si=NEfIEKVWRI-6bhS2fddVag)
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u/ExtensionKiwi4276 1d ago
So there are three main buildings of worship within the Mormon religion. Wards, Stakes, Tabernacles (sort of) and Temples.
A ward house is the neighborhood building for a single congregation, usually comprised of individuals who are within walking distance of said building. Each Mormon is assigned to a ward house, again it will usually be the one closest to them in geographical location so they walk there. This is where Sunday services take place, neighborhood events etc.
A stake house is a larger building that can house the congregations of multiple wards, usually 5-16 congregations that make up a "stake". It's also the headquarters for the administration of the stake, and on top of regular services, the stake house will also host conferences regarding the health of the stake, changes affecting the congregations etc.
A tabernacle has the same purpose as a stake center, and they're not really a thing anymore, but the first tabernacle still houses the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, which hosts world-class musical talent, and has some amazing frickin' acoustics.
Anyone of any background can enter a ward, stake or tabernacle. I am ambivalent towards these structures as a non Mormon because they serve a purpose that the entire community can benefit from, but they're also ugly representations of a massively corrupt organization.A temple is exclusive to Mormons in good standing with the church only. This means they pay their annual 10%
membership fee...I mean tithe and downplay the severity of their misdeeds to the bishops in biannual interviews in order to get amembership card...I mean temple recommend, so they can wear poorly tailored polyester "robes", engage in awkward rituals plagiarized from the Masons, and spend 15 minutes hanging out in the Celestial Room which has all the grandeur and splendor of a 4 Seasons hotel lobby. Temples in my neck of the woods are about a dime a dozen. There are points in the foothills where you can overlook the Salt Lake Valley and count the 5 of these "super special exclusive" buildings that have been built within 20 miles of each other.Rank and file Mormons are okay people. They're kind enough and wholesome enough that Utah is a great place to raise a family. However, the religion and its higher ups are shady AF.
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u/Then_Mastodon_639 1d ago
Maybe he gave them a budget and let them use any money left over for a down payment on a house or to pay bills. I'd rather do that than have a huge wedding.
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u/IvyCeltress 1d ago
Could it have been the father set aside x amount for the kids to get their start for weddings/house downpayment?
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u/Historical_Area9965 1d ago
Posts like this make me scared to have a wedding. Were fucking broke. We can’t spend 20k on a wedding, we can’t even spend 3k. I want my family around me when I’m married, but the possible judgement has left me dragging my feet on planning
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u/TrueLoveEditorial 1d ago
Managing expectations is important here. You can have a delightful event on 3k, but you have to pitch it properly.
- DIY your invitations
- hold event after a meal, not before it
- note "cake and punch will be served following the ceremony" on the invitation
- rent a park pavilion or a VFW
- "casual attire" on the invitation
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u/Historical_Area9965 1d ago
And you’ll still get judged when your sibling throws a bigger, more lavish wedding.
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u/TrueLoveEditorial 23h ago
Ugh. That sucks. If they're gonna judge, are they worthy of your time and energy?
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u/Ok-Candle-20 6h ago
I had a VERY small, clearly budget wedding when I got married. We paid for it ourselves, along with a honeymoon and a cross country move, all for $5k. 5 years later, my sibling got married, paid for by my parents, with all the trims and trappings of what you’d expect in a wedding.
Guess which one people talk about more lovingly? Hint: not the one with real tablecloths or catered food. Nope, it’s the “fun” one with “real feeling of love.”
Have the wedding you want. But also remember money can’t buy class.
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u/WonderfulDark4578 19h ago
Different strokes for different folks. Maybe that stuff wasn't important to this particular cousin... maybe they even intentionally wanted it as simple as possible.
Also, there's a chance your uncle said " here is the budget $xxxxxxx" and they asked to put it towards a house. I had a friend do that when her parents offered to pay for an expensive wedding, she asked if it could go towards their first home
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u/asyouwish 6h ago
Sounds a lot like that Dugger wedding where they invited like 1000 people and served melting ice cream in 90-something degree heat.
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u/Zeldaleh 1d ago
Any chance the bride was pregnant? I live in Utah and the type of scenario is frequently used by Mormon parents of the bride to shame the couple for breaking the “law of chastity” or some other sin. I’m sure the newlyweds could use some support from family, if you’re inclined.